Hi to MIP, recently I have been reading the sharings on the board, also in Hope For Today, it was talking about a lot of issues, like learned behaviour, responsibility, care taking. So I decided to put them all together and share of how I feel about all of them.

How did I become a Caretaker, being so responsible, Res curer for so many,? Earlier in my childhood, one day, my 2 younger brothers and myself were playing together out the front room, our Mother{ who wasn't and Alcoholic}, came out and stood in front of us, and said that she was going to bash us to see if we were  going to cry. Which she did to both of my younger brothers, but when she came to me, I stood there and let her bash and hit me, as much as she could. I just looked into her eyes, and kept saying to myself over and over again,"I am not going to cry, I am not going to cry," and I didn't. So after that, whenever she felt like it, if she ever looked like touching my brothers, I would step up, and block her. She was never ever able to hurt them again. When she came at me, my thoughts to myself had changed to "I hate you, I hate You'. Needless to say, I wasn't very old at that time either. No matter how much she hurt me, I never never cried.

So that was the start of my Journey to becoming, a Care taker to my brothers, a res-curer and felt I had the courage  strength,and will power to be responsible for them.That became normal. There was so many other things going on in our Family, but I always knew and felt that it wasn't normal. I started to learn of what to do and what not to do, by the example of the adults that were there. I didn't understand a lot of it, or why, but knowing it wasn't a normal way to live.

With the physical violence, that was given to me, I had no one to turn to, there was no one to help me, but I always felt that there was presence in my life, surrounding me. I called it God, but I always felt that I was being tested, by the Adults, life and God, to see if they could break my Will. BY that time I had built a Concrete wall around my feelings, and heart. Nothing got in, I never showed any pain, but when things got really bad, I would go somewhere private and ask this God to help me die. My thinking was that if I was dead, then they couldn't hurt me anymore. A few times, I took matters into my own hand and tried to help that along, but I knew I was being told that that wasn't going to happen. I can remember my mother getting so angry at me when she would bash me, not giving her anything, she would throw up her hands, and walk away.

But here was more to come, thankfully I had the grounding for it. I progressed for my first relationship, aged 17.  I knew that he was a drinker, and I knew I didn't like what I saw, he became violent towards me. I knew that the drinking was a problem, not about Alcoholism, so I wanted to break it off, but when I went in to tell him of my decision, he was lying on his bed, he never said anything, only pulled the blanket down, and showed me that he had a gun there.That was was enough to tell me, that if I did this, then he would do that'. Once more, I couldn't go to anyone, as no one would help or listen to me. So I became the responsible one, I became responsible for his life. I wasn't game to finish it.

I later went on to marry him, knowing that I didn't love him, and felt trapped, and that I would be in for a journey and a half. We had 3 beloved Children, the drinking became worse, and with that the Violence towards them. So Wendy, who had had a grounding in life's skills before, the Care Taker, Res curer the responsible one became alive once more.That went on for a long time, I was good at my job, I protected them and a lot of other people, it was just natural for me. If anyone was in danger, pain, I would be there, but where was I no where, the body was there but not the feelings. I had them all blocked up and away from anyone. I did manage to get out of that Marriage, even though I was scared of what he would do to himself, it was through the violence, and because I could see what it was doing to my 3. I took courage in my hand, and made him leave.

What made the difference to me and my life, it was finding Al-Anon, and finding another God, who showed me that He cared and loved me. Not the one who I believed was testing me.Between the 3 of us, God, Al-Anon and myself, and others in both Fellowships, I have found Wendy. The one who I want to be, and always was under all that pain. When I  say that Al-Anon has saved my life, I mean it with all of my heart, with the help of my Higher Power. I learnt all of those skills, Caretaking, res curer because I had to, for not only my survival, but to help others, who could not help themselves. I use to think that they were Shortcomings of mine, but they were strengths that were given to me when I needed them.I think that because I knew what it felt like, when I saw others in trouble, I wanted to be there for them, when I knew that they had no one else.

Am I still a Care Taker, Protector,  Res Curer, I can say yes, because I care about people, but the difference it is today, with the help of my God, Al-Anon, and the many friends that I have found in both Fellowships, and others outside of it, I am learning to take care of myself  first, and then others, and I can say that it has all helped me take the concrete wall down, and has unfrozen my feelings. Why did I share so much of my story with you, it was to show others out there that things can change, and that there is help for others who are going through things like I did. There Is Hope. Al-Anon gave me the understanding, and knowledge of why I became who I did, and who I could become,

Thank You for listening.

Love WendyP.