The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The role of intent in the in/action we take toward the alcoholic is considered in today's page.
It is an attempt to control if we hope/expect to have an outcome on another's drinking, ensuring continued lack of serenity regardless of outcome.
If we follow Alanon's suggestion that we attempt to make changes for ourselves alone, we find serenity in not trying to control others. It is possible that, while doing so, our actions may contribute to change in those around us. That would be a positive byproduct, not an intended outcome or guaranteed.
Reminder: Though it's not easy to break our patterns of the past, it is possible with Alanon's help to choose what I feel is right for myself.
"You have to count on living every single day in a way you believe will make you feel good about your life..." Jane Seymour --------------- Alanon helps remind me of ways I may be trying to control others without realizing it, in this case, doing the 'right' thing but thinking/hoping it will have an impact on other's behavior, puzzled or disappointed when it does not. That is an indicator to me that I am attempting to control.
There is no escaping Steps 1, 2 and 3 when it comes to my peace and serenity: whether I work with or against them, the outcome is guaranteed.
Grateful for the wisdom of Alanon
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Thank you Paul for your service and the daily. I've golfed today (cold) and yesterday (lovely) and am buckled in for the snowmageddan we are to get - *sigh*!!
What I have learned by practicing this program is I truly must examine my motives often. I may have the absolute best of intentions (in my opinion/mind) yet unintentionally encroach on others' processing, experience, day, etc. May moons ago, in family counseling, the professional suggested open-ended questions in stirring conversations with my guys. Needless to say, it didn't go well because asking open-ended questions of another who is not wanting/willing/able to have a dialogue is intrusive and controlling.
It's taken a lot of pausing and praying to realize how often I 'think' I need to speak yet am much better off when I don't. It's taken a lot of pausing and praying to realize how often I 'think' I need to 'do' and again, am better off when I instead focus on me and instead do the next right thing 'for me' instead of another person, event, etc.
I see now in my home/family that more than not, disagreements and arguments originate(d) with me - my desire to please, to discuss, to resolve, etc. When I can truly stay on my side of the street and let others be who they are/need to be, there is peace. I have had to let go of a 'perfect family', a 'perfect marriage', a 'perfect husband', etc. Instead, I truly try to find gratitude for what I have and all that is vs. how I thought or wanted things to be.
My 'good intentions' are a huge part of how my insanity flourished as the disease progressed. I am super far from perfect, and am great with that - yet do know I am willing to do what's necessary for me to hold tight to my serenity & joy. Happy Tuesday all - make it a great day!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks Paul for your service and for all the above great ESH. I try to choose behaviors that bring me self-respect and self-esteem. When I am able to do that I am working in harmony with program and my HP. If I look at it in this way, it's a simple reminder what my priorities are. And that no longer includes trying for force solutions upon anyone. Grateful member always.
Thanks Paul, and everyone.
I think I'm in quite a lucky position at the moment in that I'm not living with the active alcoholic in my life but instead really working at this program for me, because I recognise how much I was obsessing over my family situation. But I don't see those people every day so I am free to really delve into my program without expecting results from other people, and that's new- I certainly remember how intrigued I was when I first realised that detachment and refusing to take on someone else's problems or to react to drama actually brought about changes in their behaviour and for a long time I was focused on that. Maybe that's a natural part of learning to disengage but I can certainly recognise that it became manipulative at times and my intentions could get unhealthy. At times I think I can be "too detached" when having family drama and it's probably me attempting to influence others instead of keeping the focus on myself.
Good reminder.
