The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am struggling emotionally. My AH and I separated two months ago and I am now living on my own with my four wonderful children.
The challenge is that I know 'logically' we are in the right place and I have made the right decision, but I am not feeling it. I still feel profoundly sad at what has been lost (although the reality is that what has been lost is someone who could barely function for themselves let alone be there for me and the children) but also the lost of what might have been.
I am allowing myself to be seduced into what ifs..... what if he finds recovery, what if we can then have the life we planned once upon a time before alcohol came into his life.
I know that by doing this I am slipping back into denial and also allowing my own recovery to be dependent on someone else.
Maybe deep down the real work which has been exposed is just how low my self esteem is still dipping and I wonder whether I am worth it and will even be of value and loved by someone else again. I guess that is the crux of the point. When I no longer worry about someone else, it gives me the time and space to really look at where I am.
This is different from my Step 4 work. This is the visceral feeling deep inside my core. Maybe feeling it and acknowledging it is the next step on my recovery.
{{{BT}}} I have found that grieving the marriage I thought I had, took a number of years. I'm still married--in fact, we just celebrated 30 years. But it is a changed and different relationship. My A says alanon ruined me. I say alanon is the only reason I was able to stay. A bond with a person and having 4 kids with, is not going to go away in a couple months. But the tools of our program can help you through this process--ODAT, let go and let God, keep it simple--and hopefully you have a sponsor. Meetings even if on zoom, will have others who know what you are experiencing. Keep coming back, ok? Time takes time.....
{{{BT}}} I just wanted to say that you are not alone in your feelings.
Even today, 3 years from the divorce, and 4 since split, I grieve the marriage I wished I had... the one that I tried so hard to maintain... the one visible to only outsiders. I truly miss my best friend... but he stopped being my best friend long, long ago. The chemicals he ingested (especially alcohol) essentially changed his brain. He is not the person I fell in love with and married. It wasn't until my 3rd Step 4 and working in the Blueprint book -with my sponsor- did I realize that I deserved better and that I couldn't live with the current reality. That took a long time for me to process and accept about myself. Laser focus on everyday things - sometimes with lists - helped keep me focused, as I had to be the Rock for my kid. Just like you are now. It's OK to grieve what "once was."
Today would've been my 33 year anniversary. It is always a tough day for me. This thread has actually helped me.
Wishing you peace of mind, always
-- Edited by PosiesandPuppies on Friday 15th of October 2021 09:40:58 AM
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thank you all for your replies and support. It truly helps knowing others have / have had similar feelings to me.
After writing my post I decided to take a total day dedicated to self care - sleeping, walking, healthy but comforting food, time with friends and a bit more sleeping, reading and relaxation. It has helped me.
I know I have a choice to make about where I put my energy - grieving for the past and what's ifs of fantasy - or keeping the focus firmly on me and making myself the best version of me I can be.
((Bettertomorrow)). I am happy to hear you indulged in self care and surrounded yourself with caring friends. When I read your post this morning, I was deeply saddened knowing you were in such pain. I was moved by the responses. My first marriage ended badly (25 yrs ago). The only pain I recall that deep was the loss of my father shortly before I became engaged. I finally had to accept that things would never be the same, and had to let go of everything ...good and bad. Life did go on...Fast forward to now...your share highlights the value of reaching out and self care. Prayers for you and your family. Thanks everyone for your shares and ((PNP)).
((BT)) You received amazing supportive posts by others and "ditto". For me, feelings tend to lag way behind actions. Knowing that something is the right direction doesn't mean that it will feel good. When I was separated, a friend told me that it's not supposed to feel good... that she would be worried about me if I didn't have all of those sad feelings. Fast forward several years and I can say my life became much richer in ways that otherwise would not have likely happened. One step, one day at a time.
