The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Todays reading is about comparing ourselves to others, in a competitive way, as a motivation to do better. The writer describes doing this in order to seek praise. The writer was judging others and him/herself harshly enough that ultimately no one measures up. Going to alanon brought a new perspective: members shared acceptance of character defects and ways to make amends, and the possibility of balance became available. The writer began to see that the competitiveness really came out of fear of not being good enough, not being liked, of making mistakes. Rather than focus on winning and competition, the writer began to seek opportunities for relationships and acceptance instead.
This reading makes me think of my family of siblings. Im the youngest of six, and theres always some type of competition if we are together. Who can be funniest, get in the last word, whoever is loudest wins, who gets the biggest laugh, etc. When I step back and look it makes some sense that six individuals would be clamoring for attention, but I can see that another way to achieve it is to just give attention to one another. It isnt necessary to win all verbal exchanges, but we can share in them instead. I used to joke about how I didnt know that people took turns talking to one another rather than just interrupting until I was an adult and had moved away from home but the truth is- thats no joke! I remember being at a meal where the people present would speak a sentence, stop and let someone else speak, and there was no overlapping of voices. It seemed very strange to me at first, and then I realized everyone present could actually hear one another.
I definitely have the tendency to try and get the laugh, last word, be competitive, etc. I keep working at being more at ease and not needing that win so much. The quotation at the end of todays page is from Courage to Change sums it up succinctly: If I compare, I lose.
Happy Sunday all. Thank you Mary for your service and the daily. Thank you both for your shares & ESH. I grew up with 3 brothers, and I was the youngest. However, we spent most of our youth competing & comparing. It does carry over today and contributed to my own insanity in that I constantly competed/compared in 'all things' - life, job, income, home, etc.
Needless to say, I did not view the beauty in celebrating our differences, and always felt outside looking in. In my own mind, time and time again, I was either better than or unworthy; not a good place to visit, let alone set up camp.
Recovery has helped me see that we are all unique in design yet compatible when we are open. When we celebrate our strengths and those in others, it's a much better way to be a part of vs. a part from. I am able to be an observer when my brothers gather and 'begin' the game. I love each of them unconditionally, and accept them the same. We are all vastly different in who we are, what we value, etc. in spite of growing up in the same home, same parents, etc.
For me, competing & comparing is of no value. It robs me of the present, my serenity and often my sanity too. I'm grateful to have a program that helps me understand who I am, who I want to be and how to get there from here. Happy Super Bowl to any watching! I've got my gear on and am ready for the game! Of course, I do have a pre-game nap scheduled because ... why not? It's brutally cold here this morning....grateful to be hibernating inside with no place I need to be! Make it a great day...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Until recently just about everything and anything was a competition with AH. Well, actually it still is with him the only difference is I have stopped competing. I realized how silly and pointless it is to always try to out do him and him to try and out do me. This is supposed to be a marriage,a partnership, not some kind of game.
Does it hurt to let him think he's outdone me? Of course not,and I have been allowing him to have at it if that's what he needs to feel better about himself. I don't need to do that anymore to prove my worth and value.
I am trying so hard to not compete here. I read all the shares and everyone sounds so together most of the time,like they really work this program to the fullest and are peaceful and serene most times. It makes me work doubly hard to try and get to that point too. But, I need to just focus on the progress that I have made instead of where I want to be and be grateful for that. I have to learn to crawl before I can walk.
The qualifier definitely competed with me
He had to be popular
In some ways he was a bigger people pleaser than me .
One insight I have had on boundarylessness
That is that besides having people take advantage of you
I also did not know when to stop
