Hi Debb~I relate to being part of a family with alcoholism. It is a complicated and confusing mess. I constantly try to practice something Betty taught me--have no expectations. That way, no hurt is coming my way.

As far as my A's family is concerned, they don't bother with her. So even though I sent them holiday and birthday cards for years, they don't bother with me as well. And I stopped sending the cards. There was no appreciation ever expressed, and certainly no reciprocity, so now I save the cards and postage for those who enjoy those simple joys in life. ODAT, live and let live.

Debb - these things truly used to bother me and it was all about my own expectations. There is this part of me that just expected others to do as I do, care as I care, love as I love, etc. It's taken me a ton of time in recovery to realize every person and every family truly has different value sets, different upbringing, different ways to care, love, etc. And, it's so, so true that this disease brings about a whole new level of chaos, dysfunction, etc.

I no longer do cards for adults for birthdays, Christmas, etc. If I value the person, I will either call them or text them. I focus on being grateful for what is vs. what is not. My parents, brothers, friends recognize me on special days; my AH rarely remembers and my sons learned from him. I'm OK with this now because it doesn't mean they love, care, whatever less - it just means their focused on other things (self, disease, kids, work - who knows).

I continue to treat others as I want to be treated as an example of a kind person in recovery. I do not expect that in return and that has helped me greatly. Mine no longer resent me for recovery, I believe they are actually grateful that I'm no longer a crazy woman, with a controlling style who had volatile emotions - crying or raging was often my reaction.

It did bother me and hurt until I came to a middle ground of truly embracing that I had to love myself, treat myself as my own best friend and unconditionally accept what all others are/are not doing. (((Hugs)))

Hi Debb, on reading the many sharings here, I can so relate to nearly all of them, or the thyme. Since I have been given Alanon, I have found myself working through the pain of accepting the fact that I have to want to want to have recovery, no matter what others think/feel about me. I have lost so many people/ family members because of it. It has had to be my choice. From early days, before and after Alanon, I wanted to have a relationship with my brothers and sisters. I was the one who chose to ring them on their birthdays, Christmas, etc, I got nothing back, ever. I kept it up for so long and then I decided to let go, as I was so tired of being rejected. I could see for a long time, where I sat in our Family and that was always on the outside, never being allowed to fit in.

I can remember to this day of how they all got together and treated me, when my mother died so suddenly, Excluded. I didn't have Alanon then, and it was only because I was as strong as I was and my Faith that got me through it all. It hurt and affected me greatly, still does to this day. But since working the Alanon program, I have learnt about the Disease of Alcoholism and it's effects. I know that my Family has the ISM"S inside them. So I choose if I want to have any connection with my only surviving brother, it is on my terms, and when I feel I can. As he can still try to put me down, reject me, try to make me feel stupid. Sure It hurts, a great deal, all I have ever wanted was to be accepted, as a person in my own right, I never got it from my Family. Do I get resentful about they way they want to treat me, not know as I have the understanding.

Family was important to me, even my own 3 Adult Children, have problems with me. Simply because I live a different life to them, they realize they don't have my power. One of mine even asked me not to continue to go to Alanon, because I knew, she could see me changing, and couldn't handle it. I have walked away from people, and others have walked away from me which is their choice. Simply because, I mean something to me, and if I am not special to anyone else, I am special to me. I believe that there is a price to pay for everything in life. I have chosen Recovery., even though sometimes the price is high, it is still worth it, for me.

I do relate to you Debb and others, as I can relate to so much to your journey, I hope you can find peace and serenity with all of it.

Love Wendy P.