The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have just joined and want to first say how comforting this group is. Thank you all.
I married my husband in 2009 after being a single mom for 18 years. He had two children from a previous marriage (which broke up because of his drinking) and his 13-year old son lived with him. He was very upfront about being a recovering alcoholic and had been sober for 8 years, and faithfully attended weekly meetings. We lost my step-son to suicide in 2013, and soon after, he stopped going to meetings because he didn't want the sympathy attention. He is basically a hermit at heart. We are both retired now, and while the grief is everpresent, we have learned that we can still enjoy life on our little mini-farm. A few months ago, he began to show signs of drinking, unsteady gait, altered speech, etc. He denied drinking so many times that I was ready to call the doctor, then he finally admitted it. He was receptive to talking about his disease, and we came to an agreement. He promised me he would drink only on our property, not drive or operate machinery. Last week he broke that promise, and my heart along with it.
My first inclination was to run, but I meant those marriage vows and am determined to learn to live with this.
I have done a lot of online research, have some books on the way, read many of these wonderful posts, but could still use some words of wisdom to get me started in learning to live with this. Thanks for listening!
Welcome to MIP Nancy - glad you found us and glad that you shared. MIP is an awesome place to land, esp. with this pandemic and more/most meetings happening remotely right now. I am so sorry for the loss of your step-son to suicide. I am quite certain that's rocked the boat for both of you. I met and married my AH in AA - I stayed sober and he did not. It's been a long, wild ride for sure - we'll be married 30 years in April.
What I do know is that this disease is very cunning, baffling & powerful. It lays in wait for those of us with addictive tendencies and always tells us it's OK to drink. Those of us chasing sobriety, like Al-Anon, do best One Day at a Time. In my home-life situation, the more I tried to 'help', the more chaos, insanity and drama happened. I too felt like running many, many times and that did not feel like the right choice for me. I have been one who runs every time life/relationships get hard and that habit in me allowed me to spend many years in denial over my own 'baggage' I bring to the party.
He definitely knows where to go should he decide he wants help. What Al-Anon has helped me do is just be me, a stand-alone person, with interests, hobbies, friends, recovery, etc. in a marriage. I've been able to grow and thrive in spite of what mine is/is not doing. The more independent I became and willing to just work on me, the more peace that has happened in my marriage. Trust me when I say he can still do the dumbest things ever, and annoy me to no end yet, I find comfort and peace in knowing and embracing that I always have a choice in how I allow him or others to affect my joy/peace.
Before Recovery (BR), I truly had all bad days because I gave my power away to the disease and the diseased. I allowed their words and actions to dictate my days, my thoughts, my emotions. I've since gained tools that help me keep my power, detach from the disease and diseased and literally embrace whatever life hands me. Whether you stay or you go, you can find peace as there's always hope and help in recovery! Keep coming back - you are worth it!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi & welcome you're in the right place and received great support from others.
You're not alone and I can relate.
Diving in to Alanon, finding a sponsor, and attending virtual meetings in addition to MIP have all helped me greatly along my journey. I also have learned what I need to take good care of myself ... a process that I strive to experience daily.
