Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

PosiesandPuppies · ~*Service Worker*~

COURAGE TO CHANGE - SATURDAY

Bettertomorrow · Senior Member

Thank you PnP.

This is a useful reminder of a tool which may help to keep serenity for me and my AH.

Before Alanon I would scream hurtful things at my AH, as a way of trying to rid myself of my own pain.

Later even during moments of relative calm, I would pick at him wanting him to acknowledge what he had done and to take responsibility and start to make amends. I felt jealous that others had started this journey and angry and confused why he couldn't do the same.

Now I have let go completely and whilst I am still sad that he may not seek recovery, I can leave him to his own journey and will definitely use 'THINK' a bit more in my communications with him and focus more on pausing to think whether what I am about to say is helpful and kind or necessary. I am not sure anything I say to him is very inspiring but maybe that is something for me to work on.

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you PnP from me as well for your service, reading and ESH today.

BT, I agree that THINK is an Al-Anon tool that really works when you work it.

I, have to choose carefully what I ask or bring up with AH, he is borders on paranoia and takes everything

the wrong way, especially when he is drinking.

I am truly grateful for you all and Al-Anon.

Lyne · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks PnP for your service and for all great ESH above. I use this slogan probably daily. My anger and resentment will not totally go away even though I ask HP to remove my character defects daily. I guess what' s progress is that I'm not blaming my A. It's my reaction to the A that's important, in light of my decision to stay married. One of my biggest challenges is to decide which battles to take on, and which to let go of. Concerning our dog, those I choose to fight. Now for the most part I am able to stay calm and respectful. But my A feels picked on, disliked, that I'm always mad, etc. I use Think to choose my words, my battles, and an attempt to detach with love and show compassion. This is no easy task! Lately it feels harder than other times. I am looking at myself and admit I feel edgy due to the political climate and increase in covid problems. I'm grateful that my A goes to work and I stay in my other home half the week. Life feels like a challenge. ODAT.

DavidG · ~*Service Worker*~

aww I think there are 16 CAL slogans in Alanon. I used to be very cautious not to mention one that was not on the list.

This was not about Alanon really- this was more a refection on my past- having to walk on eggshells at the best of times.

and at the worst of times- having to walk on broken glass.

Having said that I have known of people who have been banned from a f2f meeting for saying the wrong thing. And also an online meeting.

I put grandkids down to sleep late last night. Grandma had filled them with chocolate about 9.30- which was NOT helpful. Young Paddy was struggling with the zip on his sleeping bag. {we are caravanning this weekend}. I bent over and point out where is was catching- and how to backtrack and get the zip working again.

These days I am able to think- and not to react badly. My old parental messages: what are you doing that for! Get your backside in to gear!

My last meetings in the USA were in Rapid City, SD. Large well attended meetings.

Went to a meeting in our provincial capital on Friday. That city has two meeting a week. The chair was there, one newcomer, and myself.

I planned to do Tradition 5 this year....after completing Step 12 last year.

At least at this meeting we got given sharing time. I have seen meetings in this jurisdiction where the whole meeting is filled with rigmarole!

Why travel hours to a meeting to get material I could read by myself at home!

I hinted. in our mountain area I was at a meeting where there was only myself and a newcomer.

At the hour we had a very brief conscience meting and decided to go on to 90 mins. biggrin

But here in the city the meeting stopped abruptly on the hour.

Maybe somewhere along the line peoples had been to therapy where the session ends abruptly- on the hour! confuse ...

At our assembly we learned that a town of 20,000 had started up a group- after a hiatus of about 15 years.

But no... ...it was decided... they had not gotten their meetings sorted out yet!

Despite reading the Steps, Traditions and Concepts at each and every meeting- had they not learned what tradition 4 was all about?

Group autonomy. Letting members and groups sort out- for themselves what worked best for them!

I don't think we should pander to every whim and wish of incoming members. No.

But our groups ought to be flexible and functional. And run by the members themselves. aww ...

smile P and y'all... did not want to start a new thread on my bugbear.

I am always wishing the best for Alanon in the places I go to.

What I said at my city meeting was that i just want to take my seat at a meeting.

Play my part.

Thanks.

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

I really do understand the whole premise for the slogan THINK, but I will give you an example where sometimes

the "Helpful and Kind" parts just are not appropriate under any circumstances:

AH had to have an oral implant removed yesterday because it failed (he has issues, 3 implants and they all failed).

I saw him this morning over coffee and he mentioned he did not feel good. I did not dare ask first, "How do you

feel this morning"? nor did I say that I was sorry he did not feel good nor did I offer or ask if he needed to take

maybe a headache med to ease the discomfort, because I would have been faced with a number of different

"in your face" comments that would have lead to it is "all my fault" that he is going through this. I just nodded.

I THINK that "minding my own business" is more important with this AH. {{SMILES}}

PosiesandPuppies · ~*Service Worker*~

Debb - I have been in a very similar circumstance. Didn't dare offer up the question of "How ya feeling this morning?" or anything like that...but still got the endless woes of the addicted one.
This is where "Kind" can come in... I can be "kind" to myself by using the "Grey Rock" technique to acknowledge my spouse's words (b/c if I don't, then a huge day-long diatribe of how I don't care would ensue)... "Oh, I am so sorry to hear that." and then get up and go do something else.
The key is in the tone (very flat and unemotional) and the relocation of your personage.
That way, what you said was indeed considered "kind," and you were paying yourself the utmost kindness in not engaging.

I loved everyone's shares today!! Thank you all for contributing to my forward progress!

Stay healthy & safe!
&

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

The best way, been using the "gray rock method" (This strategy involves becoming the most boring and uninteresting person you can be when interacting with a manipulative person, Biros says)

is to not say to much about myself or what I am doing or feeling. AH, when he is not feeling well or drinking becomes extremely narcissistic and turn everything I say into a monumental issue.

Takes anything he knows about me or my family and tries to demean me. I have excepted this about him and limit what I say. My actions let him know I care because I make sure he has what

he needs and I always remember him on his birthday and holidays. Treat his family with respect, provide food and a clean home, etc. That, for now, is the best I can do.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Happy Saturday MIP - thank you PnP for your service and the daily. Thank you all for your shares & ESH. This reading summarizes perfectly many defects in me before recovery. I was a huge gossip, without malice and would tell anyone my business at the drop of a dime. I now feel truly sorry for those kind earth people who, conversationally, asked how I was because I told them unfiltered.

Much of my answers were not at all about me, but rather all the chaos, drama and poor behavior/choices of my A(s). I truly did not exist in lieu of the disease & the diseased. Over time, working this program, I could better see the insanity in me caused by this disease. And yes, I found it absolutely insane that asking a general question of my A(s) would set them off, yet it did. Part of that is because they viewed me as nosy, probing, mothering, controlling, etc. I thought it was insane, yet in hindsight - they were right.

Most of my questions fell into one of those categories. I had anointed and appointed myself the 'in charge' person of the home, and nobody asked me to. Trust me when I say I could not just 'detach with love' and allow our home to become 'their way'!! But I could use this slogan to truly consider what truly mattered to me & my needs and learn to let go of tons that was not important in the grand scheme of life.

What I admire about recovery is we each get to try tools, evaluate if they work and how well and then continue to use them or keep trying other tools. I have jokingly told my circle for years that I feel I am allowed one question per A per day, and beyond that, I run the risk of causing mayhem. Over time, I've said the same to my A(s) and we've both laughed. I just don't ask many questions and instead try to just say what I mean, mean what I say and not say it mean. I am pleasantly surprised that we, AH & I, have made it through almost 11 months of staying home & social distancing with only one fight. That's a miracle in itself and I owe it all to using the tools of this program. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I truly would rather be happy than be right - all day, every day!

PnP - I envy your sunshine! We had blizzard conditions yesterday and cloudy today. The winds were wicked yet blew away most of the snow - grateful for that. I made chili for dinner - love warm, comfort food when it's cold outside, but would gladly take your dose of sunshine instead. Hope everyone has a great Saturday! (((Hugs)))

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene