The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When I was going to face to face meetings I did not see the benefit of using each month to work on the steps and of course the traditions. Of course my focus was on how to chsnge others not myself because I wad desperately looking for co regulation rather than self regulation. I could not conceive of getting to self regulation
Indeed I often felt helpless about making changes in my life because changes were so incomprehensible to me. Indeed I had far more than my share of catastrophe
What's more last year when I was faced with the task of moving I felt incredibly triggered and was confounded by it why be so triggered now. Life moves in mysterious ways.
After all, of course I have moved many times in my life. Moving is not an unknown process for me. Why was up?
So as usual the focus became completely other driven. The focus being on my circumstances. That is not to say that the circumstances around me were not dysfunctional they were. Very very dusfunctional and extremely challenging
However as usual my response was to have my inner critic come out and berate me about what was wrong with me.
Then still more unfortunately I was subject to the roommate berating me regularly about how dysfunctional I was. That was another low.
Nevertheless all this stress and dysfunction and chaos let me to a place where I was willing to dive deep into the nature of chronic post traumatic stress disorder and of course depression. Meanwhile of course I was resolute about being resourceful and efective in my life and I had many challenges there
Eventually I got to this new paradigm of beng able to absorb how much my ptsd and depression were related. On top of that was how much my codependence was related to my ptsd and boundarylessness. Complete total boundarylessness which means extraordinary vulnerability The result of this understanding was a complete obliteration of my inner critic because now I knew why I have struggled so much with so many issues. So the inner critic who was always resolute about how dysfunctional I was could no longer be as forceful.
What a tremendous relief and how freeing that is!! No wonder I did not feel that much better when I left the qualifier
So therefore I am at a new stage in looking at the steps. In particular the issue of being at step one. Of course I am natirally powerless over other people's issues. I have struggled tremendously to understand my own issues. Indeed pain was a great motivator for me. The pain of not bejmg able to make sense of my predicament is so key. Without the pain I would still be on the same track focusing on issues outside of me
What a fantastic way to start the new year having a fresh understanding of where I am. How I got to this place. But most of all being able to feel effective in moving to another more resilient place
To do that in the middle of s pandemic is of course even sweeter because of course feeling effective is a great energetic place to be. This past year has felt like a rollercoaster which I had no control over. Now I am in a place where I will be unaffected by the pandemic, the chaos around it, and the dysfunction of people around me.
It's good to read all your positivity and progress. It gives me hope.
I struggle with the word "powerless" in step one. I absolutely know my life has become unmanageable but I don't like saying I am powerless. I know I am but it's such a negative word to me.
I like a quote by Jacob M. Braude. "Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others".
Of course none of us want to be powerless. And most certainly when I came into al anon I railed at the idea I was powerless over anything. However I found the entire program almost incomprehensible. A couple of years later and we are now recognizing that codependence is an issue that is with us from childhood. Therefore while it is associated with alcoholism the issue was there long before the alcoholic showed uo in our lives.
However when I am in certain states of ptsd I have limited functioning because I am in survival mode.
I most certainly am very glad I survived. I am glad you survived too because your passion for recovery is contagious. How great for there to be good things that are contagious in these chsllenging times.
Indeed it certainly seems that certain states of codeoendence are biologically based so it is very hard to find a way to be tangible about them. However that is the same issue with imolicit and exolicit memory
For those of us who have survived comolex ptsd there is certainly immeasurable grit and determination in surviving
I felt the word powerless did not honor that tremendous force of nature. Nevertheless the fact is that has taken immeasurable effort to get to here for me. My qualifier did not have that same passion. Neither did many of the other qualifiers. I cannot force someone into recovery. However I can certainly acknowledge that you and I survived and will eventually # thrive# despite all the odds
I know absolutely you will because you are relentless about improving your life and taking 100% respinsibility for it. Ansolutely relentless to survive.
Shedding the victim role is indeed incredibly challenging. There is a tremendous force of determonation involved. I am very grateful to be equally in touch with the determination as well as my issues with complex ptsd.
What an extraordinary post of growth and positivity! Thank you for sharing!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
These are great and interesting posts. For me, Step 1 never gets old. It is with acceptance that I must revisit Step 1 over and over again, regarding my A. I am powerless about my As drinking, but program has given me enormous power over myself. I can heal and grow and change no matter what anyone else is doing. So being powerless over alcohol does not define me any longer. I see and act upon the power I do have.
Thanks for the topic Marasie and thanks to those who shared ESH. I recall vividly the first time I read these steps - I thought they were absolute rubbish. I had been running on full speed, self-will/ego for so, so long, I was in denial - complete denial - that there might be another way, a better way to approach life. I can promise you that I was so stubborn and pig-headed that each slogan I heard upon arrival, I thought absolutely ridiculous and certainly eye-roll worthy.
My biggest issue was fear. I was afraid that I was wrong, I had been doing 'it' wrong and certainly feared failing worse as well as change. I despised the word powerless because I had a deep desire to control all things that I felt affected my life. Needless to say, this was a huge part of my denial and my insanity. I have no right to control another person and I certainly can't control how life unfolds around me, yet, through practice, I can learn how to control myself, how I absorb 'life', how I respond to 'life' and where I place my power.
I had to embrace just being open to begin my step journey. I truly had a closed mind and a closed heart for countless reasons - childhood drama/trauma, adult drama/trauma, etc. It doesn't suggest we are completely powerless; it suggests that we admit we are powerless over alcohol. In my case, my life was a bit unmanageable and only part of it was related to this disease.
It was easier for me to work this one in reverse. I too found it easier to admit my life was unmanageable and got hung up on the powerlessness of the step. In time, as I really began to look at all that attributed to the insanity/unmanageable parts, it became clear to me that I needed help and perhaps some changes. The realization that there was hope and help available from others who understood helped me better accept what I am powerless over vs. where my power resides.
Today, I find great courage and power in owning what I am unable to control. This simple change in me has propelled me to prefer, enjoy and strive to keep changing me, that which I can control. It's been a slow, steady, journey and I am grateful I wasn't expected to perfect any step or tool before advancing. I'd still be stuck on Step one because I can still wake up, and by some circumstance of self-will try to control other people, places and things! It's the many tools we learn here that help me restart my day or redirect my will to better align with the God of my understanding's will.
Step One is truly about letting go of the idea that we have power or control over others, this disease, the cure, the future, the past, etc. That's the way I view it and work it! Thanks for letting me share...(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Ah jus' loves ~co-regulation~ Maresie 
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