The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In today's reading from Courage to Change, the author shares that they attended their first Al-Anon meeting to support a friend. The author was surprised that they identified with almost every share that was made that day, because the author didn't think that they knew any alcoholics. For weeks, the author kept remembering what they heard in that first meeting, and so eventually, they returned and kept going back. The third tradition says that the only requirement for membership in Al-Anon is that there a problem of Alcoholism in a relative or friend, and every time the author heard this, they felt like an imposter. Despite their guilt, the author kept going back and slowly began to feel better. Over a year later, the author realized that their parents were both alcoholics. Thanks to the support of the Al-Anon group, the author was given the time to come to this awareness as they were ready.
Today's Reminder: One of the signs that I have been affected by alcoholism is that I think I know what everyone else should do. As Al-Anons Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions explains, Tradition Three speaks directly to those of us who mistakenly feel a newcomer should be rejected when, actually, he or she does meet the condition for membership. I must decide for myself whether I fit the requirement for Al-Anon membership. I will extend the same courtesy to others.
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I have to chuckle when I read "One of the signs that I have been affected by alcoholism is that I think I know what everyone else should do." That's certainly a tendency I've fought against for years. I'm so glad to have the program to show me that I do not have to worry about what others are doing, or even what they ought to be doing. It is really a relief to know that I do not have to have all the answers for everyone! Of course, I do really struggle with this, especially as my work involves training and supervising the work of others. But I've noticed that I have better boundaries in this area as well, thanks to Al-Anon!
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Skorpi, thank you for service and today's C2C. Hello David and thank you as well for your ESH.
So appreciate everyone's time and care!
I have never experienced for myself or anyone else, the signs that one did not belong to a membership meeting or discussion.
So I've got no ESH when it comes to that particular circumstance. I'm pretty sure that if it did happen I would probably be
upset.
I have to say that choosing my dialogue very carefully is important when having a discussion with someone who needs to
vent. Telling them what to do is most certainly, an approach that I clearly would shy from. It is not my business to tell someone
how to deal with their personal lives, because I do not walk in their shoes. Even suggesting what I would do in their circumstances
is yet another behavior to be avoided by me.
Excellent topic of discussion!!
{{HUGS}}
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart" ~ Unknown
Happy Wednesday MIP! Thank you Skorpi for your service and the daily. Thanks to all for your shares. I knew I was qualified when I arrived, yet had no interest in changing me! My MO had been to try and control, change, manage, mother and many other 'verbs' to my A(s) and others for a long, long while. What I know now that I didn't know then is that both of my parents had alcoholic fathers. Neither of my parents ever attended/participated in any recovery and yet, we are still affected by the disease.
This disease reaches out in ways that I believe are still 'unknown' to me. I would never suggest someone did not belong at any 12 Step group/meeting. I have been 'scolded' in Al-Anon for mention of AA and did not return to that/those groups. I fully respect the traditions and the program as suggested, yet find it really, really hard at times to share my story without a mention of AA. I am very cautious about it and have made it work as needed for me and the meetings I attend.
I have seen 'some' who have suggested another should go to a different meeting - Nar-Anon, ACoA, etc. It makes me cringe at every level of my being. I've seen it also in the other side. It does not compute in my brain to reject anyone who needs help at anytime for any reason. My experience has been those who want/expect/demand 'pure' delineation in recovery can be stuck in Denial about their want/need to control.
I have always loved, "Take what you like and leave the rest." I also embrace, "Let it Begin With Me." I'm still now and will always be a Miracle in Progress, but today I am way better at unconditional love and acceptance of others. It helps me to believe and trust that nobody enters my life by mistake and nothing happens in my life by mistake. When I stay open, humble and honest, I always am learning, changing and growing...
Winter has arrived finally - cold today, windy and a perfect day to stay inside and hibernate. So grateful for the mild days we've had so far and hopeful for more! Make it a great day family - (((Hugs))).
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you for the daily and the service Skorpi. I'm so happy to have released this tendency in the main thanks mostly to this programme. Though this program has been key and door to all healing and recovery modalities that have worked for me and so I'm always in gratitude to every person I've met both randomly and intentionally who happened to be working a 12th step when I met them and their message. Interestingly, what today's reading is underlining for me right now, is the gentle reminder of how we all begin with this sign before recovery. I must practice my appreciation for my recovery by being tolerant instead of irritated by people who don't yet and possibly never will meet a recovery program of their own. Thank you for this lovely share and happy Christmas. Edited to add: I personally don't differentiate between any of the 12 step programmes I've availed myself of. For me (and yep, I'm in that stage of my journey where it's all about me lol; it will pass) AA, Alanon and AcOA are all spiritual programs of the same persuasion. When I thank "this program" I'm really thanking all of them.
-- Edited by a4l on Thursday 24th of December 2020 02:28:07 AM
Personally wanting to tell others.what they should do is a hard boundary to negotiate. After all we.have to negotiate those who go to baby showers, butthday partiies and all manner of things in a pandemic. That is not to mention being adamant about not using a mask.
It takes a.great deal of grace and grit to deal with that daily belligerance and obtuseness.
I am grateful to have al.anon to help me.manage those issues.
Without al anon I wouls be lost in feelings of helplessness.
I would also of course be chronically angry
Indeed without al anon I would be lost in wondering when or.if things will return to where they were.
How blessed I am to have a program that helps me live with what is rather than what it sbould be.
Skorpi. Thank you for your great share and oh yeah I can relate to the thinking what other people should do and I was so inconsiderate in the beginning in that I voiced it. I would tell these people what they had to do and all of that and its a little wonder why I was not very popular in the rooms or on sites like this. But I just really didnt know and I thought I was helping. Oh I cant believe it. It was 2004 February so Im coming up on oh my goodness 17 years in recovery? I hope Ive learned some thing LOL
And yeah even though it saddens me to see others suffer and be especially the ones who are being abused, I know theres nothing I can do but love them and support them and listen to them or read their shares and give my experience and my strength and my hope and send them love light and peace prayers because we all have to sort our own stuff out. If I were in control of somebody elses life, I would rob them of the lessons that I need to grow. It took me a long time to reconcile with this
I certainly went to aa meetings to.help.a friend. After all helping others was far more important than helping me
I dont know that I felt I knew what otgers should do. I know I felt compelled to share all I had with them. That is I would have to put others before myself at all times
I certainly have been around people who have tremendous entitlement issues. Indeed one sure factor in knowing a narcissist is to see what their reaction is to a boundary. Set one with them and the claws come out. In fact the rage erupts
So for me it is not so much as believing I can help people as knowing where to set limits. I certainly know many narcissists have their victim story to pull you in
The qualifier had all these stories of victimization, hard luck a and bad breaks. I did not see them as a red flag
Now when I look at certain persons I see a very different picture than what they portray.
For me it was not so much about mind your own business it was mind who you are talking to because certain people are to be avoided at all costs.
