The material presented
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I need a little help understanding the "dry drunk" and the alcoholic behavior that is symptomatic of it. My AH did quit drinking once for 8 months. Now his defense is that I still wasn't happy with him during that time, so why bother quitting again? I think this may be the dry drunk in action. I am not looking to defend the way I acted during that time, but I would like to understand maybe why this didn't work out so well for either of us. Also, I think this would help me better understand my own illness. Any help from anyone with more experience, or even similar questions would be really helpful! Thank you so much for being here.
A dry drunk is when someone stops drinking but doesn't seek recovery or a recovery program. Without recovery, the same "isms" and behaviors can remain and the reasons for drinking are still there unattended.
Hope that helps Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Thank you! This does help as a definition, but what are the behaviors, isms and reasons that remain? Alcoholic behavior to me is drinking and a dependance on drinking. Maybe even the lack of resposibility that comes from that. What else is involved?
i think some of the other isms are selfishness, self centeredness, lying, manipulating, justifying, dis contentment, blaming others, miserable-ness, isolating, always having to be right, abuse-physical,mental ,depression ,anxeity, fear, co-dependency in general.i'm sure that there are others but these are some traits i've seen in those around me who abstain but have no spirituality, no growth. and some of these isms i have myself from growing up in alcoholism and being married to one. hope this helps. take care of you!
A dry drunk as I'm sure others have explained have stopped drinking but are not in program. All the behaviors are still the same. They have not had a "spiritual awakening" to turn over their will and their addiction to their HP. So if your husband stopped for 8 months great, but if he's still unhappy with his life, you, and you are unhappy with the old patterns of behavior it will be difficult for him to commit to sobriety. My "a" seems to point out how unhappy I am and how unhappy I make him. Problem is he's so far from the truth. He can't see my growth and happiness right now he's still miserable going back and forth right now with do I get sober or just keep using. He's finding all the wrong people to keep him attached to drugs and alcohol. He is slowly becoming aware of his behaviors, it is slow, but progress none the less. The more you change and become a happier person the chances of your A using you as an excuse to drink because he's so unhappy. I believe recovery starts with us, our own recovery first. HP does have a chance to work some miracles during those periods of sobriety. Keep working on you, your A will continue to do what he's doing until he's decided to give sobriety and the program a chance. Stay strong.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
OK, this has realy helped. I have seen so much of the behavior you all listed. Some in him and some in me. I am trying to work the steps, and I'm really still on 1, but I have started to realize that this is not all his fault, and that my sickness has contributed. I acknowledged this to him, as one I have wronged, and he has admitted to me, if to no one else, that he has been drunk and mean altogether to often for his own comfort. I still feel very lost, but coming here has helped me feel I'm on the right track, and at least not so totally alone.
You have all of us. And we all know the pain of loving an alcoholic. I am glad that you have found answers to your question. I have not had alot of experience in dealing with a dry drunk, so I don't feel to comfortable saying more than what I have been able to pick up on from hearing what others have shared.
Just keep coming back. The ESH here is so great.
Much Love,
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
I too had trouble understanding what a "dry drunk" was...until I lived with one.
I used to dream about the time that my husband stopped drinking, how WONDERFUL it would be. We could talk together, do things together...be happy...be loving...
Things were worse than ever before.
I too was incredulous...what had happened?
Things were so bad that I saw a therapist. He explained to me the meaning of a "dry drunk". He told me that when people start drinking heavily from a young age, especially the teen years like my husband did, they have stunted their emotional growth. When other people are getting their hard knocks in life, and learning to roll with the punches and get back up and dust themsleves off and try again, alcoholics are comatose with their alcohol. They numb the pain, rather than learn to deal with it. That is their method of dealing with life, "checking out" with alcohol.
They don't learn to compromise, put the other person's needs first, consider other people's needs and wants, as when they were supposed to be learning those skills they were not.
So, my therapist said that when my husband was no longer dealing with life semi-comotose and drugged...that all of the feelings he had surpressed for years were coming out BESIDES the fact that his emotional growth stopped in the early teen years, when he became an alcoholic. So, I was dealing with a rebellious surly adolescent emotionally. They are not known for their loving and compassionate ways...
BESIDES this is the fact that my therapist told me that many alcoholics "self medicate" a mental illness. He told me something surprising...that alcohol is actually a very effective treatment for dealing with mental illness as it is a central nervous system depressent, just like many of the prescription drugs are that are used to treat mental illness. Of course alcohol has horrible side effects, and long term use CAUSES mental illness as the brain is damaged by repeated drunken bouts, but it still has the effect of depressing the central nervous system, so, in essence it does work...and quite effectively too.
So, when my husband stopped drinking and did not seek safe and medically prescribed treatment for his mental illness (this therapist had seen my husband for brief marriage counseling and felt he suffered from mental illness) and was no longer "medicated" by the alcohol, he began experiencing his symptoms full force and could not deal with it well.
My therapist told me that mental illness goes hand in hand with alcoholism. That people who are driven to drink every single day or most days usually are self medicating.
So, that is why a "dry drunk" is often worse when not drinking.
If an alcoholic wants to recover, they need to first see a doctor to see if they have any untreated mental illness that can be treated with medication so they no longer are plagued with horrible symptoms, depression, anxiety, etc. that they were surpressing with alcohol. Once they get that treatment, a recovery program like AA can really assist them in dealing with all of the emotional problems they will have developed by using alcohol to deal with the ups and down in life. They may likely need additional professional help to deal with their phsycological problems, but a twelve step program is proven to be an important part of that help. Most phsycologists treating alcoholics use a twelve step program (AA) as part of the treatment.
Alcoholism is a very complex disorder with many causes, but long term alcoholism does severe damage to most people mentally and phsycologically and they often need professional help ALONG WITH AA.
