The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Todays reading is about the concept of detaching with love. The writer describes struggling with this because of resentment toward an alcohol parent. When the feelings of resentment and bitterness became too much, the writer found solace in Alanon. Rather than holding on to resentment, an opportunity to find serenity through acceptance afforded itself. The writer began to see that his/her parent had been incapable of meeting certain expectations, but in the best of his/her ability, had provided love and support. The writer realized that it was possible in this way to love with detachment from the disease.
I remember the first time I began hearing about detachment and thought it sounded terrible! On one hand, how could I feel more detached than I already did? On the other, how would it be possible to feel detached and loving simultaneously? One of the things that helped me at first was a suggestion that my sponsor made about finding the love for myself that included forgiveness, understanding and acceptance. Being able to grapple with my own character defects helped me to be more understanding and compassionate toward others, even the qualifiers in my life!
The question in todays Thought for the Day is something I have been considering a lot lately: What role do my expectations as a child play in my difficulties as am adult? I have realized that there are many areas in my life that I have acted or reacted in as direct response to events from childhood. I have joked with friends about how could it be possibke that I am 52 years old and dont know what Im doing yet? But I think recognizing the ties to childhood expectations answers some of that for me.
What I continue to work on in terms of detaching with love is trying to see the person, the positives, the gifts and also recognize that its possible to have and offer all of those things even if the disease of alcoholism is present.
Happy, happy Sunday MIP family! Thank you Mary for your service and the daily. Thank you both for your ESH & shares. Detachment as a concept was foreign to me when I got to Al-Anon. I certainly had no idea how to do it, let alone adding any love. I truly did not understand how someone who 'loves' me could be so unloving and selfish and .........................................................
Needless to say, it is through this program that I determined my own disease. I spent way more time inventorying others than myself. I perpetually tried to impose my definition of love, honor, respect, etc. onto others never realizing we are all unique and we all have the right to define 'these' and more individually. Detaching with indifference came first, as I learned that I was responsible for taking care of me, my emotions, my joy, my sadness, etc. Nobody was doing 'this' to me - I was allowing their words/actions to negatively affect me. Al-Anon gave me choices I truly did not realize I had.
As I worked on me in this program, and discovered my needs vs. my wants and aligned my expectations with reality vs. my own desires/dream state, unconditional love for myself came to be. Once I was able to accept that I was designed to be human, perfectly imperfect and mistakes are part of the human experience, I was better able to practice unconditional love and acceptance of others.
I recall vividly how I used to have to depart to detach - the room, the call or the house even. Today, I can be where I am, present and detach with love simply by pausing to pray before I proceed. When I allow another to just be who they need/want to be in that moment, and choose to not soak it up, my day goes way, way better. I'm grateful for the program that told me my life would improve if I could/would just focus on me, my needs, my recovery and my serenity. I'm grateful that those who came before me showed me by example how they progressed forward. I'm grateful for the God of my understanding who leads my journey, detours and all. Enjoy your Sunday - I am off to golf shortly, followed by some football! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Grateful to all of those who replied... I learn from you everyday!
I tried to detach with love... I found that to be very, very hard... I mean, I still had love in my heart, but MY soul was constantly bombarded and I was perpetually unhappy. So I tried detaching with indifference, focusing on me. That got me through the last year of my marriage... but I found that for me, it was no way to live. So I chose a different path... b/c I could not continue on the path my SO chose - no matter how much I loved.
I am grateful for what is Today, b/c I can now see my Ex as someone with serious mental and physical health issues, and not just an addict, hellbent on ruining my life. I can have compassion, if not understanding. I also have found compassion for myself... I no longer blame myself for choosing a path that was different than my spouse.
Sunday, Funday!! What are y'all doing? I am delivering gifts (masks, homemade toffee, and my own compounded hand sanitizers) and then I will watch my favorite NFL team bring home the "W!"
Spread some JOY!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I so try to detach with love. It's not always possible so as of right now I am detaching with anger and resentment. Maybe tomorrow the love part will come into play again.
I was right where you are now. At some point (and it is different for each person), you will find that all that anger and resentment only hurts you. Keep working your program, keep coming back!
Stay safe & healthy, and I wish you peaceful holidays!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
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