The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had so many Christmases with the qualifier where he went out of his way to make me unhappy. This year I was looking forwsed to smooth sailing. I had a schedule set. I had my plans of how much I could save. I had long term plans .
Then I started to get a series of really big bills. I killed myself to keep up with them. I had a therapist who was not being supportive. I stopped seeing him. Eventually I wrote him a note stating he had let me down
That was a first for me. Normally I put myself in a place where I gst so upset that people can reject me
They can label my behavior as unacceptable
Of course for some people having a simple boundary is inacceotable. Then you are dysfunctional and they call you all kinds of names. Who needs someone like that
Then I had another medical emergency. That involves paying more money out.
I have to deal with it immediately
Meantime I am just tired
The city that I live in has a homeless issue. Some of the homeless have been setting fires where I live they have been doing it for months.
That behavior is a big risk to others
Do you think they will take this person to the hospital and keep him away from setting fires. No.
I have been sending notes for weeks. Then I went to a committee meeting and found out how much the federal government gave the city for this emergency.
So then I.wrote them a note stating that they are saying they have no resources when they have been given unlrecedented funds
So in effect when I come home in the morning I do not know what I am coming home to. More chaos
I am deeply resentful of people who take money and then let everyone down. Every turn is we cannot help you because ok f COVID.
Then it comes up how much money they got because of covid
So the double bind is they got all this money and they do not want to honor their commitments.
So there we are lots of double binds. Lots of resentments and lots of more steep uphill curves.
Good Christmas present
Last night I had another big hurdle. I spent all day today taking care of that. Luckily I was able to deal with it
Now I am onto another hurdle The next one will take weeks to deal with.
That will take some ingenuity to deal with
So for me Christmas is about not getting another hurdle.
I simply cannot deal with anymore
I have a support group to go to in the new year.
I hope I will find some good support there
I will get another therapist as well.
The new year is full of possibility
The present is full of really big obstacles.
That is really hard going. More hard going in a really really hard year
Maresie888, I fretted about the huge bill for all the trees that were uprooted from the hurricane in August, it devastated what we had set aside to pay property taxes.
I am on SS, since I retired last December, and fortunately AH is 6 years younger than me and still working. I also had, at the same time, a large medical bill and was trying
to take care of Christmas presents too. I sold all my jewelry and antiques, buckled down on the food expenses and was able to come up with Christmas money and a partial
amount for the the medical deductible, the rest I had to put on my credit card. Had to call the Health Department, which in turn had to call the State Health Department because
neighbors had so much garbage in their yard that it was attracting mice and they were getting in our house. So, I guess what I am getting at is, you are not alone.
Nothing, including our problems, last forever. When we view our issues as finite, then they seem larger and harder to overcome. When we live in the moment, and not in a
cumulative .... past, present and future, it makes it easier to survive the present.
-- Edited by Debb on Friday 18th of December 2020 10:33:32 PM
-- Edited by Debb on Friday 18th of December 2020 10:34:10 PM
-- Edited by Debb on Friday 18th of December 2020 10:38:36 PM
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart" ~ Unknown
I have to set aside what I wanted to do for Christmas
When I moved back into the building I am in during May I gave up cable. I have not switched it back on
That is a hard thjng to go without
I am at this point just exhausted. It has been such a hard ling gruelling year. Just one thing after another.
Being around certain people is toxic really really toxic
It is almost like a reprieve to be away from them. I know one thing I cannot be around the former roommate over the holidays. He is so vicious and nasty. I have been around him for 20 years. Now I am dealing with the issue of how nasty and vindictive he is. Nothing brings out the nastiness for a narcissist alcoholic than the holidays. The qualifier went all out over the holidays he excelled at it.
I am finally getting to a place of self preservation. This morning I was at the point of being totally fried
I have to regroup from there
Totally fried is where I was for years around the qualifier. Being in that place is really terrible for ne on many many levels.
I have compassion for all who are in pain. I know it all too well. Program is helping me to change my attitude for the things I cannot change, and certainly change (at least try) the things I can. I lost a beloved dog about 5 weeks ago. My A is drinking and not interested in help. My son and his family have not spoken to my A in four years. I live in two different places and try to split time in half for holidays. I have a huge hole in my condo ceiling, waiting for the plumber to come and fix it. I could go on and on, but if I focus on all this stuff I will feel miserable. I'm trying to look for a silver lining, make lemonade from lemons, keep my head over my feet, and see what's good about today. Sometimes I feel almost engulfed in pain, and then comes a better day, like today. The sun is out even though it's 24 degrees outside. People are sick with covid and lying in stretchers in hallways of hospitals. That would be so much worse than what I'm going through. I can't help but feel grateful.....
Good morning Maresie and all....I too have compassion for all OF US who have pain. Our program suggests we do all that we can (take action) to change our attitude and outlook as what we focus on grows. I don't know anyone who's hunky dory with life and life events this year. Beyond great personal loss, I am in a perpetual state of grief for all the lives lost to this pandemic. I am reminded each day that no matter how bad I think it is for me, there are others who are in a worse place or gone now.
I struggle each year during the holiday season. I could list a million reasons why but the real truth is I am not getting my way. My way and my will would have no pain, no estrangement from kids/grand-kids, no loss of life, no illness, no financial strain, a large holiday gathering, peace on earth, etc. For me to 'go there' is not a good place to visit. Instead, I try really hard to focus on what is good - I am healthy, I am able, I am open for change, I am willing to change, my dinner is in the oven and I had peanut brittle for breakfast...Small efforts of action help me change up what I am focused on - our tools are so, so very helpful. I too am grateful...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Yes. There are no truer words. They ring loudest for some, and not so much for others. The key is to know which side of the fence you fall.
You know.
You are taking the steps.
At the same time, you still have Hope in your heart for your future come 2021!
Keep on truckin' Maresie!!
Wishing you &
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
This has been a really tough week in a really tough year
Last year st this time I was getting ready to have to move out of ny apartment temporarily
Who would believe this while year would be so incredibly difficult.
The move out was a series kf disastwrs. On top of thaf I was ill with Covid
The good news is that is hooefully the last tine I have to deal with putting myself into the lions den
That is putting myself around peope who want to undermine me.
But on the scale of things what a long saga of stresses, moving changing jobs, illness that is a series of illnesses, lack of resources, take in a few catastrophe's, having to shift my plans. I was supposed to be moved out for 2 months. Instead it was 4 months. During my move out I was laid off from my job.which was a time I had additional expenses.
Talk about a roller coaster. On top of that I.was staying with an alcoholic who is wholy self absorbed. That is never gives anyone else a moments thought
I mean talk about set myself up for hardship.
Talk about a time when you need a program more than ever
Even in this past month. I took a job my.scheduke was set through the end of the year. Suddenly.that schedule gets pulled. I have to scramble to get something else.
Then I have another series of challenges especially this week.
I mean talk about being in the middle of a storm
So in the next ten days I am just glad to say goodbye to this year. Next year will be challenging too.
However I am not looking at the same series of challenge.
So really detachment got me through but now I have to regroup
Regroup, beef up my program and start over
Most of all I have to review my expectations of what Incam do and when.
& 