Saturday's Daily - The Language of Letting Go - Al-Anon Family Group

PosiesandPuppies · ~*Service Worker*~

Saturday's Daily - The Language of Letting Go

sunmustshine · Senior Member

Hi P and P. Thank you for your service and share. I feel like the universe/HP is sending a message today after reading it. I woke up today after having two dreams. One was me having an argument with a stranger and the other was being fired from a job (type of job I haven't actually held for over 20 years) by a stranger who acted snotty and entitled leaving me relieved to be fired. The idea of letting go of difficult people is the theme in all if it. I am still married to my AH but we live apart. He acted in a way I found unacceptable recently on a phone call and I reinforced a boundary and havent spoken to him since. I keep having this feeling of now what? Todays reading had meaning for me but I almost went down the wrong road. I felt I should go back and acknowledge good intentions even though the behavior was unacceptable but I stopped and thought about the letting it go. Letting it go isnt going back and potentially making a bigger mess or a mess for days to come. I have the habit like when you make a mistake writing in pencil and you try to erase but the eraser doesnt work and you end up with a big grey smudge uglier than the mistake. Im learning letting go doesnt necessarily mean telling anyone else youve let go of something, or trying to change how anyone else feels (control) but actually just means letting go of it myself. Ill admit the idea of just letting it go still allows for the now what? I guess more will be revealed when it is time...one day at a time. Hugs Have a happy, safe and restful Saturday.

Overcome · Senior Member

PosiesandPuppies wrote:
She goes on to describe the immense feeling of relief that comes when we stop denying reality and begin accepting. It doesn't mean we can't love that person anymore. Through our work in Program, we learn to love and care differently in a way that takes reality into account. We take responsibility for our lives. We may get angry, hurt, but we land in a place of forgiveness. Sometimes we learn that we can only love from afar.

Thank Posies and Puppies for the reading today. I love Melody Beatie! I had to Let Go of my first two alcoholic marriages completely and move on with no connections to that past life. With my third marriage to an ACOA, I have chosen to love them from afar, not interacting with them as much as I did in the past, or in a different way. I can attest to the deep sense of relief that came when I stopped denying the reality and started accepting my situation in this marriage and let God guide my decision to let go of them by going through a divorce. With that boundary in place I was able to interact with them as friends, but could never be in a physical relationship with them again. My fourth marriage to a dry drunk has been the most complicated and hardest to break free from. I still talk to him daily, but from 1000 miles away. It seemed that as long as we were close to each other we were unable to physically break apart. I guess in many ways we are still in a dysfunctional relationship which may hinder me from growing in the al-anon program. I need to look at what I am getting out of this relationship and why I am still in it, by doing another 4th step. Just for Today I feel I need this relationship (although it is strictly a phone relationship) due to not having other close friends. I have recently moved to a new area and this is the major reason for not having friends right now. I can probably change this by getting into an al-anon group in my area.

Bettertomorrow · Senior Member

Thank you PnP.

A very pertinent reading for me. I can see that two of my character traits - idealising my marriage and then my denial when things went wrong have kept me holding onto the last threads of my relationship, always hoping that this time it will be better. So letting go not just of that unrealistic expectation but also letting go of the knot of anxiety in my stomach when the phone rings and I can see his number - wondering whether this time it will be a 'normal' conversation or another drunken ramble. It's also about me recognising that I am still hypervigilant even though we don't live in the same house and gently letting go of that aswell.

These days I give myself tiny, baby goals which keep me generally moving forwards. I accept that I can't let go all at once. It is too scary for me because at the moment letting go feels like I am losing part of my identity. But I know that one day, even if I take the tiniest steps possible every day, that I will come out the other side a better and more serene person.

Thank you (())

Overcome · Senior Member

sunmustshine wrote:
I felt I should go back and acknowledge good intentions even though the behavior was unacceptable but I stopped and thought about the letting it go. Letting it go isnt going back and potentially making a bigger mess or a mess for days to come. I have the habit like when you make a mistake writing in pencil and you try to erase but the eraser doesnt work and you end up with a big grey smudge uglier than the mistake.

Sunmustshine I love this analogy of the pencil smudge! I feel like so many times in my life I have done just this. This resonates with me in dealing with alcoholics and non-alcoholics alike. I set a well intention-ed boundary only to go back on it later and make more of a mess than the situation was in the first place. If I could just stick to the boundary and not give in I would be so much better off. I guess the best thing to do now is to acknowledge that I knew to set a boundary at all, before al-anon I didn't even know what boundaries were. Now I can recognize when I need to set a boundary all I need to do now is enforce it.

sunmustshine · Senior Member

I hear you. Boundaries are the best. I too didnt realize the right to implement them for most years of my marriage. Its one of the things that changed that caused things to finally begin to change for me. I had friends who thought boundaries in a relationship sounded obsurd when I began in Alanon. These were of course not Alanon people. I have a theory people in healthy relationships have boundaries they dont think about because nobody is constantly trying to cross them, ambush style as it can be with an A. There are also people who are codependent and havent found peace, understanding and acknowledgment in Alanon. Im grateful every day for my awareness. Im still a work in progress but so thankful for all of the progress I made. Im grateful for the ability to see I deserve this. We all do.

Lyne · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks PnP for your service and for all above shares. Im reminded of our slogans, Let go and let God, and live and let live. To try to force solutions never works, and to forget temporarily that I can only change myself, brings me stress and frustration. Just for today Im going to focus on positive things I need to do and peaceful things that bring me joy like walking outside with my dog. Grateful member.

PosiesandPuppies · ~*Service Worker*~

Here is a good lesson for me regarding Letting Go....

I can see that I misspelled Melody Beattie's name. I have tried to correct/edit it 5 times now. Each time, the program will not allow for the edit! Beyond frustrating for me!!!

So, I am practicing what I preached. With my aplogies to Ms. Melody Beattie, I am letting this go!!!

Stay safe y'all!
& &

-- Edited by PosiesandPuppies on Sunday 6th of December 2020 01:07:57 PM

PosiesandPuppies · ~*Service Worker*~

I just wanted to add that there is some excellent ESH happening on this thread!! Thank you all for your candor and willingness to share! I love being able to take-away what I need from someone's share! I move forward with my healthy development in part, due to your contributions.
Beyond Grateful,

&

Maresie888 · ~*Service Worker*~

Overcome

I.have many relationships that are not that great. Some of my criteria is these days not being in crisis al the time.

I no longer have relationships with people who are creating catastrophe's in their life .

Do I have problems : yes

Do I have catastropohe : no

I can be unbelievably hard on myself

Really really hard

Do I have a really long to do list

For me making new friends is tricky.

Beyond tricky. With boundaries I no longer rush in. With boundaries I.hold back. With boundaries I set limits

Some people do not do well with limits they lash out.

There are indeed wonderful engaged supportive people in this group

The time of the instant support group has left.

Sometimes there are serious gaps in our lives. Very very serious gaps.

I most certainly do still relate to some people who have been immensely hurtful to me. The way I relate to them has changed.

I no longer shoulda coulda myself

Un raveling what kept me in certain relationships is difficult work. Physically leaving was just one part of it

I am far far far nicer to myself these days about my many limitations.

Maresie

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

Have to admit learning to detach was a big game changer.

Once I understood that those three C's I was off and running.

"Didn't Cause It, Can't Control It, Can't Cure It"

Still a work in process, but feeling much better about me and my future.

-- Edited by Debb on Friday 11th of December 2020 02:14:26 PM

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.