The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am so confused. I thought I posted a message but I do not see it. I saw it again last nite but now it is no where to be found. Today is Monday, I made it to my 5th f2f meeting today.
I asked her to go get gas in the truck while I fed the dogs. I have me an escape bag packed. In case I come home & she is setting me up as her captive audience once again. I can leave and go some where else. I can sleep in peace for a change. I can not sleep with her snoring.
I was thinking to my to hp if I am not meant to go to this meeting today I will know by 11:14 at the latest. She finally returned. She says she found some wildflowers & stopped to dig them up. We live in the country. She knew I had a tight schedule. Meeting was noon to 1pm & I had to be at work at 2pm. I told her to have a nice day before I left and she said for me to have a nice day too.
I really thought me and my A were doing good today. She asked me to stop and buy a bunch of stuff, She wanted me to pick up some dirt from home depot, while in town. I said thursday looked like a better day to do that shopping. It is a 30 min to 1 hour ride to town. I had planned on stopping at Walmart as the rearview mirror had fallen off & we needed the glue to fix it. Well she was ok , lol I just remembered something she asked me to get and I forgot & could not find the list. I ended up 5 min late for work but it was ok.
Now I asked her to finish feeding two of the dogs, the food was ready. I got home around 8:30pm. All the dogs are in their pens & barking. The two dogs outside were not fed. I finished feeding them. I got inside & let the dogs indoors and outdoors. Still doing that. The A/c is on a first for us this year & it is not that hot outside. She is in bed & staying there. drunk again. I assume. I will not go look and confirm that.
I have checked the phone & seen several important calls have come in today. I was waiting for one to return a call. I have no clue what was said. I do need to know. it is business. The phone messages have been erased , even a dr appt in june in which i have not written down the date. I can call & get the time & date tommorrow.
I've lived with her 14 years now. I hate coming home & spending the night alone. We had all day saturday & sunday sober. I hear over and over how I do nothing & she does everything. I think she is jeaous of the job I have. She is the one who suggested me for it. I sit with an elderly man part time. The past two days have been strained but ok in a good way. I am not getting this alanon. I am to build up her confidence while she tears mine down. I am to build mine up alone. & with my alanon friends. I have nothing to say to her. I don't know what to say? If I try to say anything she percieves it as an arguement. I hate to argue.
She has not been an A for the entire 14 years. I have been sober for a year give or take. I have no desire to go back. I jsut do not know what to say or how to go on like this. I have had a very emotional day today. Not really sure where to go from here. She lied to me on Friday & Saturday I know this is the norm for an A but for her, this is the first time I have caught her at it.
Hello hmr - confused is a good word when l iving with an alcoholic. I understand that your confused but the only person who's confidence u can restore is your own . when we treat people with respect we feel better about our selves. An alcoholic is not capable of returning the favor while drinking . and you will never "do enough or do it right " nature of the disease.
Having expectations when involved in a a relationship is a killer for us , a mistake I often made expecting myhusb to act normal . as long as they are drinking no matter how little normal is not a option. I don't know if your going to meetings for yourself but I hope u consider it there u will learn about the disease of alcoholism and understand why u do the things u do . Only she knows why she does what she does . I am going to leave my email here I have a piece of literature that may help u get started in this prog til u find ameeting please feel free to use it .
I remember when I first found alanon...I was at my wits end and it was very difficult to take everything in when in so much pain and misery. But I kept reading and listening and talking and letting it out, hearing other people let it all out, hear myself in their stories, and see how they dealt with things with dignity and compassion.
Slowly, and I mean SLOWLY things started to sink in and make sense.
As far as who did what and who fed the dogs and such let it go...it will never be "fair" with an alcoholic. They drink to check out of life and not be responsible. Chores, grocery shopping, dishes, floor mopping are 'boring" drinking is FUN FUN FUN. So they do what they want...and it is seldom going to be what they should do. That is for us...the sober to do. SIGH!
Of course this is INFURIATING for those of us who like to live life "by the rules" and try to make everything fair for everyone, as that is the only way we can live. We feel taken advantage of, walked all over, abused...
OK, so if husband does not do it and I don't do it, it does not get done. Who suffers in this tug of war? Well...daughter for one, kitty for another and most of all ME who has to live in this house and with this family sober...feeling all of the pain.
So...I forget what is fair...and I do what I need to do while making sure I retain my dignity and I am not a doormat. While I do ALL of the housework, and ALL of the child raising and ALL of the cooking and MOST of the home improvement chores I tell myself "Well, if we divorced I would be doing this stuff by myself ANYWAY, so why not do it now? I don't want to live in chaos. At least he contributes money."
This is only OK for now as he DOES work and contribute money, he is not a burden on me. He eats whatever I cook and seems grateful for the work I do. So, it is not beneath my dignity to do 99% of the work in our home and family, espeically now that I am not working outside of the home. But even when I did work full time and he was off work for months, I still did everything.
Should he stop contributing money or stop cleaning up his own personal messes, then I will have to re-evaluate.
At least he cleans up the tub after he is done, and puts the toilet seat back down. Even if he will not wash a single dish or sweep a square inch of floor or caulk the tub.
So, don't expect her to feed the dogs...or take your messages. I bought an answering machine that had a remote checker and would check it frequently from work or from pay phones when out shopping. When he would turn off my alarm clock when I had to get up for work/school I bought another one and slept on the couch and plugged it in UNDER the couch so he could not see it. I learned to adapt so that MY life WORKED no matter what he did.
I had to make sacrifices too. To afford extra stuff like this, extra alarm clocks, fancy answering machines. I gave up and scrimped and saved wherever I had to to afford what I needed to manage my life.
I just expect him to be useless around the house and to drink and drink and drink until he is no good for anything. If he does anything it is a pleasant surprise and I thank him.
Expecting our raging alcoholics to be responsible "fair" people is only a lesson in frustration.
The more I let go and let him be "him"...a useless drunk the more he started to do actually...alanon REALLY DOES WORK if you work it.
Letting him have quiet time to reflect on how he was living his life, rather than concentrating on fighting me back to defend himself, let him see how he really was...and he did not seem to like it.
He is much better lately. He is actually going to forego a lecture he really wanted to go to tomorrow to take daughter to the doctor with me. She wants him to go. I was really shocked he was actually going to not only go...but make a scarifice to go! Yes, that is a very big deal for us, and a welcome change.
Just keep on reading, listening, thinking, and soon it will sink in. Small changes...such as making a list of all that needs to be done around the house, such as feeding the dogs etc. and leaving it on the fridge with a magnet for all to see. Don't say a work about it. If she sees it and WANTS to help she can, but don't ask her or nag her. Then YOU just check off things as you do them. Start saving for a fancy answering machine with a remote checker if your finances are limited. I am surprised she even answers the phone at all! My husband will not answer the phone if his life depends on it most of the time...to drunk or knocked out.
Hope things get better for you...
Oh, one other thing...
Since I have to do everything in this house I try to simplify my life as much as possible. As in few pets, few obligations, etc. when one of my two cats died I refused to get another one, even though I had intense heat from daughter. One daughter and one kitty are enough work for my by myself to take care of properly. Since you will likely be doing all household chores try to make them as manageable as possible. Simplify as much as you can. Get rid of as much clutter as you can, and cut down on the amount of animals if you can. Animals are a LOT of work to take care of responsibly. I got rid of one of my fish tanks too (don't worry, I gave my fish to a friend with a HUGE tank)...too much work alone.
Don't give up, your life can get better once you start living it for YOU.
My thoughts are with You. I can not urge you enough to make the meetings. We have them here (online) as well! The meeting schedules here are: 9 AM EST Mon-Fri & 9 PM EST Mon-Sat 10 AM EST Sat & Sun & 7 PM EST Sunday. *ALANON Group Meeting/Chat Room See top of this page on the left. Come in and chat too.... Listen....Share. You will find that you are not alone. We Love You!
I prayed and prayed for HP to "show me" ... "talk to me".. help me to understand those things I can not control, those things I can not cure and those things I did not cause... and with the meetings and the wonderful people at Alanon, I DO (through them too) learn each day ways to help me be strong.. to keep my head up and keep the peace. To love me. To maintain my "Peace of mind" for My Self.
By focusing on my own serenity, doing those "little" things that bring me peace, I was (you will be too) reassured at how I really could achieve., that I have achieved in following / going through the steps of meditation... by working the 12 step program of Alanon. WE never stop learning our entire lives..... The breathing techniques of meditation can be done most anywhere too., they will help you to relax from the inside - out. Can help at the most intense instances to help you step back from reacting or responding in ways that arent healthy. THE SLOGANS & THE SERENITY PRAYER ARE ** GREAT POSITIVE "TRAIN OF THOUGHTS" STUFF.
((((HM)))) You CAN learn to Detach *with Love* from the confusion... the chaos... the frustrations of living with an A... You can find and possess other ways to some peace of mind.
Prayers are with You~ (((BIGHUG))) Keep Looking UP & KEEP COMING BACK!!
WORK IT CAUSE YOUR WORTH IT!! WORKITWORKITWORKIT *LOL
I agree with what has already been said. I especially agree that in many instances you do have to go on as though you were on your own - and - that there is a gremlin living in your house that will do things that can turn everything up side down. If my AW is drinking heavy, she has a tendency to leave things on the stove and will then crash - you can guess the possible consequences. I try to check everything to make sure things are safe and secure, just as though she was not there. That include making sure all the animals are confined where they are supposed to be, that they have food and water, and that nothing bad will happen to them. None of dealing with an active A is fun, but what choice is therer but to go on as best as possible and to try to detach from the situation. I know it is hard, difficult and confusing. I wish the you the best and hope you will keep coming back so that others more well versed in this can hopefully provide you with good ESH. Best Wishes,
Thanks to you all for your kind words & support. today has been good. she has beaten herself up today. Without alcohol I might add. well , I guess I will not confirm it. I was thinking today. I will let her face her own consequences.
this morning she told me she did talk to one friend who called & had her feeling hurt. Seems our friend does not think we are doing enough to help with the animals at her house. We have 39 at our own. 20 are for adoption. Anyway, I was kinda embarrassed that she did talk to anyone while drinking most people do not notice. But it is not my fault anything she does or says while drunk. No one should judge me for her behavior. I almost thought about telling that person she has a drinking problem or even telling my boss who is best friends with that person & may hear things. But it is not my problem. If asked I will just say I am going to alanon & what she does is up to her.
She talked to another person & hmmmm maybe it healed her some. The person deserved what she did say to her. This person is running after men expecting them to support her & her kids. She was willing to uproot the only child she still has custody of and moving to Alaska to be with a man she met on the internet. this persons daughter is 14 and has been living with a well to do family for 2 years and going to a great school. so this person is sponging off this family for now. My A was abandoned by her own mother at about that age. Her mom was busy being with any man & would leave her kids behind. Today if she tries to talk to her own mom about the past that is a taboo subject, her mom does not want to talk about it. She still is looking for someone to take care of her. She had 5 kids before she was 26. this person finally hung up on her but that is normal for that person. Hopefully that did some good for both of them.
So I came home & my Active A is working outside in the yard on a project. She did feed the outdoor dogs tonite. She fixed me a salad & dinner. She is a great cook when she is in the mood.She got a bunch of new reciepes & is expermenting. Well anyway, I just listened to her & did not say anything negative when she put herself down. I did not comment. I did thank her for the good stuff she did do. So I am not going to bed with a migraine for a change.
I am so confused. I thought I posted a message but I do not see it. I saw it again last nite but now it is no where to be found. Today is Monday, I made it to my 5th f2f meeting today. 
, I was (you will be too) reassured at how I really could achieve., that I have achieved in following / going through the steps of meditation... by working the 12 step program of Alanon. WE never stop learning our entire lives..... The breathing techniques of meditation can be done most anywhere too., they will help you to relax from the inside - out. Can help at the most intense instances to help you step back from reacting or responding in ways that arent healthy. THE SLOGANS & THE SERENITY PRAYER ARE ** GREAT POSITIVE "TRAIN OF THOUGHTS" STUFF.
HUG))) Keep Looking UP 
& 
KEEP COMING BACK!!