The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Was talking to daughter about kindness today. We somehow got to discussing hypothetical half sandwiches to consider when it's kind to give and when it's inappropriate. With her hypothetical half a sand which and imagining not having any food at home for the rest of the day or the next day, she if faced with a hungry person would half her half sandwich. But what if someone had their own and just didn't like it and wanted yours? Are you obliged to give? No.
The whole point to the hypothetical sand which was to illustrate the oxygen mask analogy we use in alanon. It opened out into other things she wanted to weigh out and I enjoyed our chat. Have I mentioned a million times how much I love having daughters? I really do. After three sons who were and are the most amazing heartbreakingly sweet souls, my girls and their energy were and are like a bolt from the blue. Different ways of being is my observation of sons and daughters. Neither more nor less than the other, just different. Obviously I feel like I have more insight into being a girl in the world and so maybe thats the joy.
I've been faced with my own trajectory around compassion lately. A funny thing can happen when you start to prosper in life or step up and out from your hardship beginnings. You can develop a really shitty attitude to those who are where you were. Its amazing to me when I think about it which I have been thinking of for a while because it defies sense.
But I knew those seeds were sprouting mostly around a parent figure and I developed that protective hostility of scorn. We've actually discussed that too where I've bluntly said choices precede consequences and if you don't improve your own life then don't moan about how it's turned out. Take responsibility. But yet. I also know I have my gifts. Life's had it's hardships but I also have my angels of that I'm a thousand percent certain.
In conclusion I think I've started to realise that to judge others meanly based on my own life is actually a big slap in the face to every bit of love, luck and help I've received in my life. I don't want to go to my creator and see I didn't give back when I had it to give, even if it was just kindness. I can be kind. I do take care of myself and I am in zero danger of not looking out for number one.
Bettie's written mantra from the Talmud, kindness is the highest form of wisdom. Kindness isn't codependence because the first place kindness starts is to self. Well I'm sure happy to have identified my next self growth learning.
a4l, thanks for your interesting share. I have but one grown son, and now I have a 10 year old granddaughter. It's been fun to have a granddaughter since I raised a son. Yes both are great, but different.
One of my biggest challenges is being kind, compassionate, and supportive, to my A who does not want treatment. I think I'm doing a fairly good job under the circumstances. Can I do it 100% of the time. NO. But I'm close to 95% of the time. Now living half time apart is what helps me accomplish this goal. I'm not sure I could live with my A full time again. I have half the week an hour away near my son and his family. There is certainly stress and insanity some of the time, but not like it is with an alcoholic. Being with the kids is a breath of fresh air each week. I love fresh air!
Oh to a large extent for me as I am today all bets are off when it comes to alcoholics in my life. The smell, the sound, the everything just triggers emotions that are wasted given they probably won't even remember what they were doing. I'm still trying too. I had to pick up and shower a relative in an almost comatose state just yesterday and I tried hard not to let my disgust show. I was disgusted but managed to detach, get it done, put it down to civic humanitarian duty. It's the best I can do for a loved one, it's easier to love strangers.
I had lost love generally as a result of being surrounded by A's and not detaching...... I don't even beleive it's possible to entirely 100% detach from someone you love. 95% yes but there's always at least that 5%. How it gets frustrating you know from watching the insanity repeat over and over again and I just got stuck in logic: "Make better choices! Your life is crap because of your choices!!". I lost tolerance for people in general alcoholic or not and appointed myself as morally superior or something. Yuck. I never want to lose the love I have for my fellow human and become a tool. I kinda did become one secretly out of exasperation. That's a weed I'm pulling out.
A4L - great topic and what a lovely conversation with your daughter. I was raised with brothers only, and had 2 sons. I've not had the pleasure to be around any little girls for too much time so don't have that experience. My son has 2 sons with a third on the way - arriving very soon - another boy.
What I know about compassion is not much yet I do believe, like most other traits, it begins with me. It's been a life-long pattern to pick apart most things about me going back to childhood - my grades, my looks, my size, my weight, my clothes, etc. Not exactly certain where it started but being judgmental has been a part of my being and my FOO for as long as I can recall. It's not as common in my extended family, and both my parents are untreated ACoA, so perhaps that's a source - can't say for sure and try to not dwell much in the past.
What I do know is I am less likely to judge another when I remember who I am, where I am today vs. where I was and how generous others were to me, for me without judgement. There are countless people who were patient and graceful towards me at various points in my life when I felt so, so undeserving. It was not a flash-cut change but rather a process, much as other growth in life. I do know that spending an entire year focused deeply on the phrase 'Seek to Understand' really, really helped me. Today, when faced with discomfort or uncertainty with others, I pause and truly try to put myself into their skin/situation. If I don't know much, I guess and fill in some blanks, with the intent of arriving at compassion. I do believe that the God of my understanding doesn't want me to be judging others, but rather to be of service if possible.
We live and we learn. Each experience we have is an opportunity to learn/grow. For me, the minute I shut down and view myself or the other party as 'unworthy' or 'less than', I am closing myself off to growth. I just don't want to do that any more as it slows my own forward progress. I am now, and will always be grateful for the tool of progress, not perfection.
Enjoy your day all!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I agree with you Maresie about over giving. Because my island is still really backwards as a result of colonization, a lot of traditional attitudes towards women and girls still persists where it's expected that females will caretake males in their own family network. And then there's religion of which I myself love many of the doctrines but often feel the wisdom within exceeds too frequently the intelligence of the interpreter, generally and globally. Add those factors up along with alcoholism and mommy the recovering codependent, well it's entirely possible the wrong message about giving gets taken in.
TT partnerships are hard and I congratulate you on the exciting new opportunities coming in! Im genuinely pleased for you. nd sometimes I hated coming home after work to the gloom and resentment vibe, so I'd lie about what time I finished and sneak in 20 minutes for a coffee and a sushi before rejoining my life with other people not in the zone ie: my mother and my kids.
And hi IAH! The non judging thing is such a simple concept that gets forgotten alot. It was a debate on poverty that sparked me off on attitude adjustments. When we get given opportunities that others don't then turn around and act like it was all because of our own terminal uniqueness that life's stable. I guess seeing it entrenched as a belief in someone else made me realise I need to stop comforting myself by judging those in my life who I do judge. I didn't receive my many blessings from being a miser lol! Have a great day.
There is a lot of wisdom here. I love what Mareise mentioned about self compassion. What a gift that is! I find a daily practice of gratitude also helps me with compassion.
