The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
oh man have i been "projecting" i mean it hasn't happened yet and iam projecting it.....like a movie, i am writing and reading the END b4 i even read the NOW part......this daily i read today, was meant for me to read...it talked about staying in the present....i sooo need to stay in the NOW.....TODAY i am working....TODAY my dog did not have a seizure....TODAY my busted drain pipe under the house did not cause the washer drain to back up..........
it is so much easier if i just look at my WHOLE life as to it being for THIS day.......and sometimes i have to when i am "riding out yet another bad patch".....i have to stay HOUR to hour......and why do i keep getting bad patches, long lasting and close together...like hardly any breather in between????? am i to DETACH??? is this telling me to RELEASE me .....is this telling me to LET IT GO to a stronger force than i am???? sounds like it doesn't it??? maybe i **think** i am releasing it, but am i still holding on out of fear the whole thing will fall to pieces if i don't hang on with clenched hands?????
cuz everthing that has happened to me, is ALL stuff i cannot do anything about......the old "needing to be in control" crap rearing its ugly head and that is from fear and that fear is of the helplessness i was taught......i was a butterfly in a trap b4...with NO hope NO defense NO help NO safe place to go NO allies NO NOTHING to help me....
so back than i WAS helpless, i even ran away only to be dragged back into the spider's web, so i learned to be helpless i develooped a "hopeless" mentality........i learned that i am a feather buffeted by any storm who wants to come my way, do what it wants to do to me and i have NO say in what happens to me.......
so i fought and resisted--did my best to "hold my own---hold the fort" only to be beaten down and RE-confirmed that i am helpless.....add to that the fact i had NO god relationship in those days, and yeah, i projected gloom and doom and still do when iam triggered majorally
so i must work the steps, i know WHY i do this, now i must practice to BREAK this habit, self talk??? tons!!! telling me that i am NOT helpless NOT hopeless i DO have choices i DO have healthier habits nnow.....i have a BETTER CHANCE now .....its hard.....GOD its hard!!!! giving up old habits...the fighting and resisting and projecting and needing to control made me feel like i had some control, when i really did not......so the only thing i CAN do is RELEASE ME from this hell, by DETACHMENT......
i visualize myself literally "throwing it up to the sky" and letting it go (what i am powerless over) so i don't feed the negative forces and than i dwell on them and being under attack and than the darkness becomes my higher power, becuz like i said......."what i dwell on becomes my higher power"......so TODAY, i will practice and work the steps on NON resistance-----letting GO------whether i think any diety is going to "take it up or not" just the ACT of detachment/ release will stop the negative energy and quiet me down enough MAYBE to discover some options i have OR let the damned thing disolve cuz i gave it NO power.........
Wow, Rosie! I hope that helped in the release department. I think it helps me, the mantra that I am powerless over alcohol. This means it is NOT my fault that he drinks, and NOT my fault that he is choosing the alcohol over me, and NOT my fault that all the things I tried to do for him only made things worse. It makes me feel more calm; however, I do need to realize that the way I tried to help, and the way I let it get to me ARE my fault, and that is what I DO have power over.... I can make myself better. It is one day at a time, and you're doing what you can. That's all any of us can do! I hope some of this makes you feel better. It makes me feel better to talk to you. Thank you for sharing, and I'm with you!
