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To the best of my knowledge my son has been clean for six years, since he suffered an overdose at the age of 21. After the OD he moved to another state, has worked at the same job continuously, has a stable living environment, and has had a couple of nice girlfriends. He has been weight lifting and hiking and looks incredible, he has told me he is living a clean lifestyle, no drinking, no smoking, no drugs, and I have believed him do to what I see.....until now. I'm not sure he is still aware of this but his bank accounts are still linked to mine so I can see his savings and spending since he always uses his debit card, he has saved a lot of money and I never see suspicious spending.
He just told me he has been off work for three weeks do to severe hemorrhoids, which he says he is going to the doctor for but the treatment isn't working. So I went and checked his banking info, and what I see is a string of steady transfers of $150 or $300, not spending at stores but transfers from his account to where I don't know, the info doesn't specify, but around $1500 in the last four weeks. It's suspicious because suddenly he's not working I have never saw these kind of transfers before, I know for sure they're not his rent.
I don't know what to do! I know he will deny using no matter what, I have seen it before, and truthfully I want to be wrong and give him the benefit of doubt, but I am very afraid. On an encouraging note he always answers when I call or calls me right back, which he never did when he was using, and I can't detect anything in his speech that would indicate he is using.
I hate this, absolutely hate this. Do I just let things play out for awhile? Hop a plane for a surprise visit? Can someone give me guidance? Please.
(((Cooper))) - my Al-Anon program suggests I stay on my side of the street. I have 2 sons, both addicts, both young (28 & 26), many relapses and some intervals of sobriety. I fully hear you and can relate to the fear, anxiety, etc. What my sponsor has suggested in moments like this is I am entitled to say what I mean, mean what I say and not say it mean....So, I never confront on relapse, using, etc. but rather get right to the heart of the matter - I love you son and I am really worried about you. I only want you happy, healthy and whole. That's pretty much it...
When mine have relapsed, each time, they have gone lower. Unfortunately, there's not been a moment where they've been able to 'wake up, realize what's up and change it up'. Rather, they've lost jobs, lost homes, lost items, gone broke, and at times ended up in jail. What I've had to accept (do not like it at all) is when I intervene, interfere, manipulate, etc. I am standing between then and the bottom that needs to happen for them to have the best chance at recovery and being truly happy, healthy & whole.
My youngest is active with the disease. I suspected for a while, and talked it out with trusted program friends and my sponsor. It was confirmed when he crashed his car and called for help. We helped him get his stuff from the car, get the car to the repair shop and offered to help with rides to/from work. He declined the rides and opted for an Uber. He paid for all of the above.
Shortly after helping him get his car back from the shop, he got fired from his job. As of end of October, he's moved to another city for cheaper rent and found another job. I only know what I know because he uses our address for his license, and he's lost that 3 times in the last 6-8 months. I removed myself from his bank accounts, car insurance, etc. a long time ago as we did not want to have any liability if/when he made poor choices while the disease is active.
This is a cunning, baffling and powerful disease. He may or may not be using and mine too would never admit if confronted. I usually find out when they're turned down/out on the streets. I no longer chase mine down, seek them out, etc....I truly work on letting go and letting God. I have learned 2 things about this disease, me and my sons - I can not help them or any other who don't want my help and I am obsessing when I move from worry and concern for today to worrying and being more concerned about their future, health and lives than they are. I just can't afford to loose myself again in the working and insanity of this disease. As hard as it is, I do my absolute best to stay on my side of the street and love them from afar.
My best suggestion is be gentle with you, talk to your sponsor, attend some meetings, and just focus on one day at a time. Try not to let the past affect today and certainly try to not let it control your projections of tomorrow and beyond. We really never know what God has planned for ourselves or another so getting away from today is not helpful. Keep coming back and know that I hear you and you are not alone.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi Cooper and welcome back. Thanks for trusting MIP and sharing and listening. What I learned from my past now deceased sponsor regarding things I could or should do if a relapse occurred mainly centered around the phrase "Duplicate". That meant for me to inventory my program and review what I did before that worked and duplicate it again. That has worked for me in the past and I am currently considering it again. In my present situation I have attempted to duplicate former reactions which didn't work in the past which show me again that "if it doesn't work it doesn't work" empathize it with some pain and I get more involved in the inventory of what does. I have reviewed again my habit of ignoring, sitting and waiting and acting as if I have a cache of miracles I cannot find where I left. Ummmm not real.
You have had some success in the past? Inventory and trying duplicating and see how that comes out for Cooper. Let us see what works for you as we might want to duplicate also. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
I.most definitely have done the rushing in on a white horse and obsessing lots of onsessimg
I try these days to stay out of the way when I can see the walls come crumblimg down
If you had a sponsor you could play out how would the visit go. What would you do if you did find catastrophe. What are your limits
These days I.have a lot of limits. In fact this COVID epidemic is forcing limits on me.
I live in an apartment complex which has bern under rennovation for a year. Now we have been informed a neighbor had COVID. In fact it is a little difficult to quantify whether he has tested negative
As some one who.is other focused my tendemcy is to over react feel i have to.do.something but most of all get uoset about another person's shortcomomgs. Infortunately the person who got COVID is indeed an alcoholic. Alcoholics take a lot of casualties with them
I have done the rush in and save for decades in my life. Initially it feels real good. I can totally justify doing that.
I was pretty impulsive about the notion I had to fix it
The aftermarh of rushing in was not necessarily positive for e. Infact eventiually I got to have a great deal of resentment.
While ny whole self wirth was tied up in others I did not have much left for myself
These bv days being an advocate for myself is the priority
Thank you everyone for responding. I have not been active in al-anon for a few years and truthfully hoped I would never return, but reaching out here is more beneficial than talking with friends who have never dealt with addiction. Last time I was active in al-anon it gave me the insight to admit I was powerless to stop my sons drug use, but as we all know letting go is emotionally devastating, and yet liberating. It's just so difficult to leave someone you love on their own when you know they are fighting a monster.
Even though my gut feeling is this is going bad I am still not positive, for now I will keep him communicating with me and watch his bank account for the next couple of weeks, I really have no other option. Presently I am so wrapped up in my own head I'm not even sure what to say, but even without the words I know those that are reading this can relate to my thoughts and emotions. For now I will take comfort knowing help is here, as things progress good or bad I will keep you posted.
I totally agree with you - letting go is both emotionally devastating and yet liberating. Learning how to practice detaching from one I gave birth to has been the biggest challenge of my life! It is also the hardest thing in the world to watch another self-destruct with this disease...My experience is talking with loving friends who have no experience with this disease isn't super helpful - I am always better served with those who do understand.
Your plan sounds solid. Please know we are here as best we can be. As the pandemic drones on, know also that there are tons of Zoom meetings available all over the world, 24 hours a day. If you are uncomfortable with the video aspect, the Zoom app. does allow you to bypass the video portion. Keep coming back - you're not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I spoke with my son last night, I didn't ask directly if he is using but did tell him I was very worried about him and I am here to help if he needs it. He told me "not to worry he is good", exactly what I expected him to say. I haven't checked his bank account the last few days because frankly I'm afraid what I will see knowing I am powerless to help. I am still not positive he is using again but many of the signs are there, and I have a lifetime of experience seeing those signs.
I have always carried a great deal of guilt over his addiction issues. Though I never drank during my kids lifetime I had drinking/drug issues as a young man, and I come from a long line of people with addiction problems that have always had a negative issue on my life. I know there is some genetics involved but thought I could out parent biology, turns out I thought wrong.
I have tried to find a local meeting but everything appears to be suspended because of Covid. I know there are virtual meetings so may look into that. For now I am just very very sad.
For me, simple is easier - and for me simple has less wiggle room for me to find a way to do it my way - in this situation, id simply disconnect myself from his bank accounts. Sometimes, maybe most of the times, its best to NOT know all the details!
I was just reading your share. My heart breaks for you and every parent of a child struggling with alcoholism. I found it tremendously difficult years ago to get to a good place where my AH is concerned. I cant imagine the anguish you feel. I truly hope your son is in a good place and not relapsing. I found the notion, more will be revealed when HP feels it is time, so helpful. It changes things from being blind, to waiting for the right time to come. Turning it over to HP helps me too. Since I cant change things and remain powerless over another, it helps to have HP to turn it over to. HP loves your son and loves you too. Hopefully youll find peace in HPs care. Prayers for you and your son. (((Hugs)))
I can see that you have been given some excellent ESH from other members.
When I was reading your post, I was wondering what would change if you knew for sure if your son was using? You can't control what he does or does not do. Would knowing be comforting? When I am worried about my kiddos, I lean on my HP. I lift them up in prayer. That is all I can do. I can't do anything else. I live close to my older two children who do not live at home. I still can't stop them from doing what they want to do.
All I can do for my kiddos is to pray for them, be here for them when they need me, and love them. I can reach out to them, but I have to accept what they give me. If they don't want my help and don't ask for my help, then there is nothing I can do.
I wish there was a magic wand I could wave for them and make all their troubles go away. Then again, I am who I am because my parents didn't have that wand for me.
Yours in recovery,
Salome
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
