The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i went to a hell of a meet last night and we talked about LOVE----being open to it and it brought these feelings/ thoughts/ esh to mind, and thought i would share.....
i think love is like watering a plant, however when i love now, i keep some of my heart in reserve.....like don't love too much, becuz for sure, it never lasts till "death do us part" rarely does it........i used to block myself from receiving love at all....now i am open to it, with reservations.....i receive someone in my heart, i always hold back "retainage" so when they leave, i can get over it........it has nothing to do with control or power or anyting, it just makes good sense to love them with limitations AND acceptance that "this could go away tomorow"...than what do u do if you have given too much of your precious heart.......
i need love, i will always make myself available for it, but i'll do it SENSIBLY.......case in point.....i had a wonderful sponser.....i thought we would be together till "death do us part" ..and i got into a hell of a bad patch......facing job loss---triggering majorally (was homeless twice over job losses) and so the ptsd symptoms were SKY high.....
well maybe i was too needy this particular time....life has been hammering me down on a regular basis, like the dark forces are pulling out the stops to derail my recovery and here i am tryin to "let go....let go....let go" and with my "impaired" trust/ faith in any God, i thought i was doing ok, considering.......but i WAS , i admit, getting frustrated with God....i now see that i have been looking outside of me for my diety, not WITHIN....the old coda crap....not looking WITHIN, but withOUT......
i dont' know what happened, but instead of just telling me "hey i have a bad day too, and lets do this comfort thing later" she just writes me and tells me essentially that i have been too needy...closed minded...and she needs to back off cuz i am not reachable.................END of case!!!! she worked my inventory ...only i work my inventory.....
well i loved this person, but recovery has shown me that if someone wants to leave U......LET THEM GO!!!! and so i did.....i grieved it last night.....gave thanks for the stuff i learned.....and than moved into "ok, what do i do now to take care of me????"....
i am getting over it better than i had thought and the reason IS...... i "love with the understanding that most likely this person isn't in my life for life, so love em while i have them.....WITH the acceptance that i am going to say goodbye one day"........so i am ok today.........got into a HELL of an AA meet last night, and heard stuff i needed to hear, and i think i am going to really pursue the fac2fac meets and reach out and TAKE CARE OF ME...
to get too close doesn't work for me......people come and go.....its not like it was 25 years ago when friends STAYED together, were more loyal, etc.......now its a paper society it seems to me........the computer is wonderful but i think it is over taking the HUMAN touch.....i am taking this sponser loss as a sign to reach out and FACE 2 FACE with people......but even so, relationships look to me like paper plates....beautiful while u got em, but not lasting......so sad......another thing i gotta work the steps on and accept...
thank goodness i don't put my eggs in one basket......thank goodness i am not going to let this hearden my heart.....its like "ok, move on--- feel the loss----than move on to the next one"..........i will NEVER give up on love......i will not turn cold over a loss, or several losses.....just hang onto the ones i got...but also if i need to let them go...be ready!!! i can take care of me, i learned that...i can accept what i cannot change.....change what i can....let go the rest......i am slow to love, and i am glad of that...it takes me a while to trust, but i AM "reachable" if they are safe......... i can get angry and set boundaries, or leave, with love and peace if what they did isn't too bad.........my sponser left me with a lot of good knowledge....i KNOW i am loveable/ worthy/ deserving......people come and go....like revolving doors, they come in, they go out.....each one has something to teach me.......i look at it as i am a teacher and i am a student.....if love enters the picture, great, but realize that nothing here on earth is permanent......so i give my love with that in mind....the ability to LET GO when it arises.....
i am surrendering to love........but i think the "love of the old days" i think is gone....we dont' use our fine china anymore, we use paper plates.....sad, but i accept it.....i am open to the love i can give/get...... but the REAL love comes within me/ whatever HP i understand which is WITHIN me....i don't belive that any outside diety is going to interfer, but we have that part of the SOURCE is within us, and thats the part i pray to....that part of the SOURCE that is INSIDE of me....., i accept this....i have come to love me, well comming to love me and the few family members i know i have.......boy these "temps" make me appreciate the "perms" a LOT more.....
wow (((rosie)))) awesome share. just what i needed to hear. you sound healthy. i agree and can relate to what you are saying about people coming in and out of our lives. we have to let them go if they want to, holding on will only hurt us more. it's good that alanon teaches us that it's ok to let them go. i know for me, i have so easily given my heart away. i'm taking a good look at this now, and i want to be healthier. i want to be slower in doing this, creating boundaries and not just jumping into things and holding on to others with this supposed love. my hp is revealing all these new awarenesses to me, and as hard as it is to change, i know it's the only way to be true to myself and continue to recover.
