The material presented
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level.
I've noticed over the past few days that I've really been keeping myself held hostage by my insecurities. Today is just a little more intense. It's kind of normal for me around this time of year, I suppose, as my birthday approaches and I just have kind of a lot of negative memories of the day. It's not always horrible or anything, and I usually end up (as a recovering adult now) having a decent time in spite of myself.
But here's the thing. Growing up I was an average sized little girl, not too heavy, not too thin. I remember over and over as I'd go to have seconds on anything - dinner, a cookie, etc... my A dad would start singing his little jingle, "Fatty, fatty 2 x 4, can't fit through the kitchen door." I don't think he meant to be cruel. I think he thought it was kind of funny in a way. (He is notoriously fat phobic, though). As I got older, it was almost as though it was a prophecy, though. I did get overweight, learning to stuff my feelings instead of express them - we weren't allowed to cry, lest we receive something to cry about. We weren't allowed to be angry because nice girls didn't get angry. I'd hide in my room and read a book and eat candy and other junk I'd hidden there earlier.
Anyhow, as an adult, I met a man and got married, pretty much figuring I was such a loser I'd better take what I could get as fast as I could get it. Sure enough, he was an A as well. (btw, I am also a recovering A). I had some pregnancy issues that meant I needed to be on bed rest, to which his response was more or less that I was clearly "defective". (I DO remember that word specifically). He wasn't always mean, it was just our fighting words. I fought ugly too.
After 3 kids and 4 years of marriage (I already had one son going into the marriage) he started having an affair (ironically, on my birthday). I didn't find out about it for a couple of months, but when I did, I asked if he planned to continue. He said yes, and I told him it would be best, then, if he moved out...right away.
Since that time, I got into recovery, did an extensive amount of therapy, and lost a great deal of weight - really worked hard at it. About 9 months ago, I moved to a new area, for the first time in my life being where I knew absolutely no one. And my insecurities began to blossom. I started stuffing (my feelings and my face) again. I've put on about 30 lbs since I moved here. Anyhow, I'm feeling very unattractive, very ugly in fact, going through the whole fat cow routine, etc... really beating myself up. Even though in the past few weeks I've been working out 3-5 times a week. And in reality, from what people tell me, I am nowhere near unattractive or unpleasant to be around. But I am really disgusted with myself right now and even more, I'm feeling absolutely miserable about being alone in a male/female relationship kind of way. It's been 11 years since I've been raising the kids on my own, 11 years since a date, 11 years since someone's even looked at me like I might be a woman....although I am heavy I'm not so heavy that it is the first thing person notice about me. But I'm starting to wonder what the heck is so wrong with me that in all 40 years of my life I've had one date! (My husband and I never dated - we hooked up at a bar and I took him home with me and we just kind of stayed that way). And the one date I did have was at age 38...after I said something about wouldn't it be nice to have a date - that I'd never had one, so it was really a pity date.
So, here I am, really letting the committee run the show in my head today and struggling like crazy to pretend it doesn't matter that something must be so completely wrong with me that I will always be unlovable. I know the truth, but these are the feelings that are totally overwhelming me today. I don't understand why it is that I'm so untouchable. The walls that I used to keep up are pretty much gone. I'm normally a very happy, social person, frequently included in a lot of stuff because people actually enjoy my company and I enjoy theirs. But I freak when I get in this mode, wondering what the heck is so wrong.
Well, that's what's going on in my head and heart today, and has been a bit lately.
I'm so sorry you're having a rough time. Your pain comes through loud and clear in your post. Think about all the positive things you've done for yourself. You value yourself enough not to put up with a bad situation, and you made a move on your own. That's very brave. My sister has weight issues and she tends to make jokes about it at her own expense. I finally asked her to say something positive about herself each time she felt the need to put herself down. By the way, she's her own worst enemy. No one judges us as hard as we judge ourselves. Find the positive!
Why not go for a walk or go to a meeting? Do something to get out of your head. I was feeling very down last night and went to the online meeting here last night. Got me right out of my funk.
Thinking of you! Wishing you peace and serenity...
((((Karen)))) sounds like you are way too far into your own head today. I go there as well, trying to see all the errors in my ways, what I would have done differently etc etc etc.
Time to live one day at a time again. Look at the blessings of today and not look back so much. Can't change it anyway.
I feel for you though. Glad to see you took the time to vent it here.
take care- Jeanne
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
now that you have that off your chest, let's move on to what we can do about it. You got rid of the fukth fillling your head. Now let's get to a meeting. Let's get moving, do something you enjoy, walking, biking, Spring has sprung a perfect time to get going. We take all negative words out of our vocabulary and stay positive!! A positive attitide cures a lot of things. It might be just what you need and only you can change it.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
I dunno your method of dating sounds pretty similar to every alcoholic I know's dating. Move in on the first date. That has pretty much summed up my life as far as relationships go that is move tremendously fast. I no longer idolize specific events because I tried dating and actually found dating very very difficult indeed because it meant sitting with my feelings rather than acting them out. There is a cognitive therapy technique that is called the dispute issue. You start with the black and white thinking like yours of I have never had a date. And then you dispute it. Plenty of fat people get married and have dates. Not everyone is out to meet someone who looks like a magazine cover. I don't think for me it is about labelling how I am. I could do to lose a number of pounds myself because I do use food as a way to manage my emotions. At the same time I know it isn't how i look that matters it is how I feel about me. When I did my inventory I actually found when I was thinnest that is size 6 I was at my worst and most depressed on many levels. There are many many books that can help you in this issue, Melody Beattie (Melody has issues in relationships even when she made tons of money), Pia Melody (Her stuff on love addiction) is great, Geneen Roth (who writes a lot about food being a drug of sorts).
I am so glad that you are here and sharing about this and taking steps to give yourself support and care and understanding. You do deserve it. You also deserve to nuture yourself in many ways besides being fit, being emotionally fit is another realm altogether. When I have been thin in my life I was not emotionally fit so I did not really enjoy being thin at all.
Hello, ks, I'm so glad you posted here. Since I've been in recovery, and have spent a lot of time "working" on my insecurities, I have come to see them as a part of myself. When an insecurity arises, I hate to admit it to myself, but I do. I then think about my HP, because if anything is going to happen to my insecurities at this point in life, it will have to be the work of my HP! I hope you are going to meetings, that you have found a good sponsor, and are working the Steps. That's what has made all the difference to me. Blessings, mebjk
Thanks to everyone who wrote. It was a good thing for me to "spew" that out earlier, even though it wasn't pretty. (Of course, I rarely hear about spewing something beautiful). Anyhow, it got it out of me again and allowed me to move on to the things I needed to do today.
Like I said, normally this is not the place I am in. I generally love my life as it is, it is SO much better than I ever could have imagined, thanks to the steps, this program (and my other one, too ) and the fellowship here.
I know from experience that if I keep it all bottled up, it comes out sideways and tends to fester a bit along the way...I was just a little slow in getting it out.
I use food to try and control my emotions. I am overweight. All of my siblings use food for emotional reasons. We are all ACOA. Some are still in denial that this has anything to do with our genes and the family we grew up in. Recently I have been searching for an answer on how to deal with the weight, overeating....etc. I believe this disease is threefold...physical, spiritual and emotional. I have been taking care of the spiritual and emotional parts through Alanon and beginning to get back to church. I do not seem to be able to do much yet with the physical part of my disease. It really bothers me and keeps me from doing alot of things that I would find pleasure in doing.
Someone recently gave me a book to read that she was in the middle of reading. She did so because she said she had this strong feeling that I needed it before she could finish reading it. She did not know why nor did I. I read something in there that I just cannot get off my mind. I am sure that it was my HP and hers working here. This is what I read that I just cannot let go of.
"I cannot fulfill God's plan for me until I am physically healthy". That hit me like a ton of bricks and I cannot stop thinking about it. Now I can do it for Him because he has given me so much in the way of "spiritual' and "emotional" recovery.
I have had this problem for so long and I have always heard that it will happen in God's time...not mine. Maybe His time for me has come.
) and the fellowship here.