debilyn    

How I feel your pain and what you are going thru. This is a really hard one to get past, I know. And I had to find many outlets for the rage that happened to me. And I found other people mostly don't/can't understand about this kind of thing. It was a heart, soul, and spirit breaker for me. I hope you have some good stronge support, as I know HP will be there for you, yet the human feelings of this kind can interfere with. Please , please try to resist revenge as you know who that belongs to. I thought it many a time in my situation and months b4 Hurricane Katrina when A-dau and A-dad(meeting for 1st time,drunk off a** for all 3 days) visited me in NO La and he fell with the baby in front of me and I went to rescue the baby, my A-dau said, "NO, don't interfere with us, we are the parents !" , It was all I could do to stand back and it felt like a heart attack as I had to witness this. He turned around the next day and told her a lie that I said something I didn't. I put him out and told him liars to my dau didn't come in my home. She left with him along with the kids.  I won't express it here, now.

I found there isn't alot of support even in the system to help, unless you are in a very functioning town and good services and experienced people. Please ask questions and search them out, the ones that know .  I will say many prayers to HP on you and yours .

I had to be careful , as this kind of hurt and anger is really hard to control and can easily turn inward and make for many a problem. You have a wonderful place out in nature with plenty of loving animals. I know you are already tired and in need of caring. Please use your resourses there to help you get thru this. Walks/runs, chopping wood is a good one if you can to help expel some of the negative energy. Just be careful as the numbness can cause us to hurt ourself physically and not feel it til later. 

Much Love and Prayers to you .   Blessings , Strength , Courage and ALL the rest that goes with those.

Your Sis in Recovery trying to send Guardian Angels , Too !!!!!

As much as I would want to kill him......my sponsor would make me pray for the SOB....and pray that he gets everything he deserves.  Big jerk my sponsor is.

(((((Debilyn, daughter, and baby))))),

I am so like you with the claws and the willingness to get right in there and protect.  But.... Ziggy and I must have the same sponsor LOL, because not only would mine tell me to pray for the schmuck, but, tell me that I needed to step back and take a look at ME! MY role in the whole thing.  Check my motives, look for old patterns of behaviour.  What would my involvement in the issue do to me.  Was it going to trigger old stuff, that whole FIXER mode of thinking.  UUUUGGGGHHHH! But, she is usually right once I take a minute to step back and take a look at the situation through Al-anon glasses, there are red flags all over the place.  Actions that I might take that could send  me right back into my own insanity, just as easily as the ways that I react to the A in my life can. 

Another thing that she said is that we Al-anoners thrive on crisis, but it usually ends up right back in the same old place.  When I have the urge to jump in there, she tells me to sit on my hands, let it play itself out a bit, offer love and support to the injured party but not to forget myself in it all.  To really use my AL-anon tools in the situation, which at this point for me means trusting her enough to be able to tell her where I am at and honestly accepting what she has to share with me about it.  To not enable, to not do for someone else what they can do for themselves, for each of these things can send me back, in the same way that that first little drink can send the alcoholic back.

I hope that you have not taken offense to anything that I have said.  I truly feel for you, your duaghter and your grandbaby.  Know that each of you has a Higher Power who will take care of you.  As far as my sharing, I did not like it one bit when my sponsor or others in the program said these things to me....actually kind of P*&^%$$ me off, BUT, in the end it really did save me a lot of grief and gave me a lot to think about.

My prayers are with you all,

Lynn

(((Debilyn, Daughter and Sweet Baby)))  How hard this must be for you, Deb.  I've kinda been on both sides of this fence before.  I have wanted to kill anyone who hurt my beloved daughter (only emotionally, that I know of).  But, I have also been hurt by my A, not intentionally, but physically hurt, nonetheless in a drunken blackout.

My daughter is still having a lot of problems dealing with my decision to stay, for today, in my marriage.  My daughter is married, and does not live at home, but she has been devestated by my decision.  I try to assure her that I am doing what I need to do. I am getting help in Alanon and counseling. I am learning so much.  I am dealing with a lot of guilt where my daughter is concerned, I feel so bad for "letting her down."  She has said she was disappointed with me.  That really hurt, she is my only daughter, my joy in life, and I love her so much.

But I know, I have to do what I need to do for me.  I know I am not ready to leave.  I am not in danger, and I love my husband very much.  I wish there was something I could do to make her feel better.  The only thing I can do is take care of myself, live with the Alanon principles.

I know HP will give you the strength to deal with your daughter's situation. I know it must be terribly hard, especially with a baby involved.

I am so glad your daughter has you for a mom.  Enjoy your time with your grandbaby. They have much to learn from you. 

I am so glad that you can be there for your daughter in her time of need. I am also glad that you have a place that is intimidating for an abuser to go to. That in itself is a gift. I hope she can get services she needs.  Maybe the list of what he has to do to be around the child is for the mother rather than for him.  I know as a codependent I take care of everyone but me and I go out of my way to take care of other's issues and not my own. Sometimes separating that all out is hard. 

Who knows maybe he will get into some kind of anger management. It is unlikely given that his mother is codependent with him and feels that his side is the only issue.  I am sorry she has had to move out of her home because that in itself is very very difficult. The people next door to me moved out of their unit very very suddenly and I think they got burgalarized which I would imagine freaked them out. I know having to move in a hurry/crisis is a very very difficult undertaking. I have been there and done that and hope to never have to do it again. I am very very sad that your daughter has to take on that kind of stress in her life.

Maresie.

(((((Debilyn)))))

Sorry when there is abuse all bets are off…….

I know we shouldn’t give advice here, however reading your post I would like to give my own .02 (for what it’s worth). I feel I must respond to you here rather then a pm or e-mail because this situation as a whole is so very important and warrants more attention then I feel is ever talked about.

I will start out that even though you planted the seed for your daughter w/ al-anon, I would like to add that if you look in How Al-Anon Works For Families & Friends Of Alcoholics, (one place I have found this) after the Preface on page ix is: A Special Word to Anyone Confronted with Violence. This was a very powerful read for me even years after I left the abuse, it served as an additional validation. So perhaps you could leave this out for her to read?
You sated that you will introduce her to CARDVA (a group to help women when involved w/ domestic violence) I am not familiar with this, I am sure it is great. In my state the Womans Services offers more than safe housing such as: counseling, education, career, and legal help to name a few. They are a wonderful outlet. I went back to college w/ their help yrs after the fact, they help women get back on track at any stage in life. Perhaps if she hasn’t done so already (or even if she has) maybe “you” would like to call the US Domestic Violence Hotline/ General Information 800-799-7233 ? They may be able to guide you with even more options not only for her but for “you” to cope with the situation as well. You won’t be any help to her if you find you are legally defending yourself for being involved in retaliation. She needs you, your grandbaby needs you and your critters need you (think in terms of how important your serenity is in this trying time). They may give you a few options for your safety as well once she is with you (other than your critters loose, I am pretty sure they would handle him. I am amazed how an animal can just “sense” a dangerous person)
Although, I’d also be one who kept a bat by the door (son and I live alone –you bet I have a bat handy) self defense goes w/o saying. Keys hidden in a safe place, impt numbers handy and/or a cell phone.
Physical abuse is horrible. I know all too well. I was young when it began with my ex the A and yes it did escalate. My mother who lived many states away I hadn’t told much to, I believe a friend of hers (that I confided in) told her. I recall her not saying a thing about it  –that was until the A and I went for a visit when son was a tot. Mom sat my A down and w/o raising her voice let him know that ‘if’ she found out that he so much as caused me harm again she would be the first to help the police hunt him down. *She meant it. Just as you say you are *pissed, you can be sure she felt the same. Well as you can imagine once mom left after that talk, he was umm, a bit angry –to say the least. I felt relieved to know that someone was looking out for me. Back then the police were not as aggressive w/ these situations. I’ve noticed thru the years I do believe things have changed with this. Back then the victim would need to say whether or not they wished to press charges and there we no records kept of a call. Now if the police are called to a domestic dispute one party must leave for 24 hrs if no one is arrested and they document all calls they go to. I am sorry the police appear unsympathetic, it’s not their child and/or this may have become a routine part of their job, just as long as they “do” their job correctly now is most impt.
My mom the only advocate I had passed shortly after so I had fewer options for son and me. I did leave when son was 3. Why am I mentioning this? Because I feel your daughter is very blessed to have you. Many women feel stuck and just as you mentioned you are the momma bear protecting her young.

I do know statistics show that a woman w/ a child is more likely to leave a violent relationship then those w/o children. As horrific the alcoholism, marihuana and verbal abuse was, I could not raise my son w/ the physical abuse too. Son needed me ‘alive’

I would also like to share what was helpful for me when I did need to go to court w/ the A. Because there were no police records I needed to show proof of the abuse. I then recalled a visit w/ the ob/gyn when she asked a routine question like: Was I abused or am I in an abusive situation? I was hesitant to answer her and I asked her why she would ask such a question? She then said that it was for medical reasons and that it would be kept confidential however a note would be made in my chart. I also told my regular Dr and then the records were allowed in court. So I would encourage your daughter if she hasn’t seen a Dr yet, to pls urge her to tell someone.
I apologize this got a bit long, hope it makes some sense. I am rather *pissed myself, hearing of abuse gets my blood boiling as a result my thoughts are running rampant at this moment. 
((((((Debilyn)))))), lots and lots of care and wishes sent to you and your family now. Pat yourself mom for doing a great job w/ what you have been handed. Rest up, you will need a clear head for decisions and extra strength to draw on.
tea2

PS, If anyone reading this is faced with a violent situation please do not underestimate how this not only robs your safety, it can get deep within your soul. Please reach out for help. If anyone wishes to talk about this subject please pm me here or in chat  ~know you are not alone.