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OK so the lastest in this drama that i call my life...
Last night hubby comes by after his meeting. He says to me... a couple of people are going bowling after the meeting do you want to go with? I hestitate and ask him what his motives are...He say he doesnt understand my question. So i ask him are you just asking me to go so it will look good in front of your AA friends. He says no I know you enjoy bowling and i thought you would like to go with. Besides none of the people going know anything about our situation/seperation.
So I went. I had a good time. I did enjoy myself not because i was there with him but i enjoyed myself. Then i got in my car and he went his way and I went mine. I cried.
So today is his oldest sons Prom. He had asked me last weekend and again last night if I wanted to go with him to see them all gussied up for the formal. Last night I told him i wasnt sure.. Tomorrow another pre-planned event we are suppose to go to. Taking my daughter and her BF to see Blue man Group. I mentioned it last night to him. What his plans for sunday were and he started telling me the morning meeting then helping someone move stuff. I said something like oh ok...must have been somehting in my tone because he asked why. I reminded him that was the day of the play and asked if he still wanted to go. he said he would talk to the guy about moving stuff and yes he did
So here is my dilemma.... I know i am holding tight onto hope that we can reconcile. I play out all the little scenerios in my head...He sees the error of his ways. Makes changes come back blah blah blah im sure you a lot of you can relate. I talked with both my daughters, they see it as everytime i see him I break my own heart a little more. Im holding onto to that hope. I have to be honest and told my youngest... right now i need to hold onto that hope. It hurts too much to think beyond that hope. My youngest (almost 21) says to me "mom, he is acting like you can be friends still. but you cant be his friend because you still want to be his wife. You need to stop letting him try to be your friend".
I know im taking crumbs he is giving me. He only communicates with me in any fashion when she is at work. watch come 2 ill hear from him today. that is when she leaves. But without these crumbs i feel all hope is lost and I drown in the sorrow.
oh what to do what to do... I was thinking i need to sit down and talk to him. To tell him just that. The hope friends thing. but i know if i do he will leave me alone completely. Im scared of losing the hope.
Am I keeping hiim from suffering the full consquence of his choice????
Snt - Sit back a reread your post. What would you say to someone else with the same questions? None of of deserve crumbs, we deserve the whole loaf of bread! I've been in a relationship before where all I got was crumbs, and it was so liberating when I broke free and said NO MORE. We are not door mats. IMO you will feel so much better about yourself that a new you will appear, free of unrealistic fantasties of the past. Good Luck. I pray for you to find the courage to stand up for your families future.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
Well, I don't know all the details of your separtation, but I am in a similar situation where my A husband is threatening separation. He swears this time he means it. He just can't imagine that all the problems we are having are related to his drinking.
I can feel your pain. I can only say that the stuff I have been hearing and reading about that you have to get well also is so true. Please focus on yourself! It will cause so many wonderful changes on you that will not go unnoticed by him and all those in your life.
I am just going to share my ES & H and what I did in a similar situation.
I loved my husband so much and so deeply that I turned into a crying basket case total mess when he separated from me. Even I was shocked. I cried for six months, seriously. I cried and cried and lost a ton of weight and cried some more. I barely ate or slept. I had a lot of trouble eating anything at all. That was what a mess I was.
Yes, my husband threw me crumbs and I eagerly at them up. I cringe at the memory. My friends and family begged and pleaded with me to have some dignity and stop running to him each time he called and accept the crumbs he threw me. They tried so hard to reason with me, they begged, pleaded, prayed, called me, talked to me, had me spend the night with them to try and get me to sleep, took me out to eat to try to get me to eat...all I did was embarass them by dissolving into heart wrenching sobs with my make-up running and my eyes all swollen. I also could not see as I wear glasses and kept having to take them off to wipe my tears, SIGH. It sounds like you are doing much better at this than I did.
OK, I am a college graduate and forty years old at the time! Definately old enough to have weathered this better. I don't know what happened to me. I had just loved my husband with all my heart and held nothing back from him. He blamed me for the breakup and I took the blame.
Even though I am totally embarassed and cringing at the memory I see now that I was grieving...and that was just my way of greiving my deep love for him and devotion to our marriage.
One day, six months later, I suddenly one day got over it and found my dignity back and stopped accepting the crumbs he threw me. I just had to go through the grieving process, and once that was over my head cleared and I could see clearly what was going on and I could EASILY refuse the crumbs he threw me.
I was just not ready before. I am glad that I was gentle with myself and let myself grieve IN MY OWN WAY and did not try to force myself to stop responding to him just because my friends and family urged me to.
Was my way the best way? Probably not... Was it the most dignified way? NO WAY! But in the end it was...
I allowed myself to greive and mourn the relationship, while he threw other women in my face, mocked my grief, pointed out what a loser mess I was etc. and then once I had gone through a greiving process I began to see him as the jerk that he was and no longer feel much love for him at all.
Everyone is different and deals with things in different ways.
It really just happened one day...maybe it was all my loved ones prayers...well whatever it was one day he was talking to me, the same old ugly abuse and I was sobbing...then my eyes dried up and it was like the sun came out. I saw for the first time that he was a total rotten jerk and I was in love with a man who no longer existed (don't think that my friends had not already pointed this out to me, I just needed time to see it). I saw him for what he really was and no longer felt that I loved someone like that. I began to feel relief that he wanted to leave me alone, good riddance to bad rubbish...
I still cringe at the memory of those days, and I lost a lot of friends who just could not stand by and watch me dissolve into such a mess over such a jerk and who were so dissapointed they have avoided me ever since, but I am still glad that I let myself greive. It let me really get over it with dignity in the end.
Believe it or not he DID come back to me...but only after I straighted my spine up...
Still this has taken its toll, I struggle to feel any love for him at all now...