The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
darn it anyway.I was doing so well.Feeling good,positive about Alanon this time.Not sure what happened.
Well, maybe it was this.Husband (A) went to another state to see his online girlfriend.They finally met.He showed me a picture that she gave him and I didn't think she was attractive at all.Then he had pictures developed that he had taken while there.As we were going in to get the film developed,he had a few left so I told him to take one of me.I am pretty sure my depression set in after we got the photos.I hated the way I look.When I look in the mirror I think I look ok and then I see a picture and it always shocks me.Then there was her.Him and her smiling,having a good time.In the picture I looked miserable.No smile.She looked better in those pictures than she did in the one he brought home.She has lightened her hair.She looked happy.I looked awful.She is not thin but not fat,maybe could lose a few pounds.I need to lose quite a bit.My clothes are ugly.God, I have just let myself go so badly!!Why did I do that?Where the heck have I been all these years!!
So I decided that was it.I was going on the South Beach diet.This is not to get him back.I don't want him back.But since I am focusing on me............well first it was the inside me I had to face.Been facing some things there I don't like and need to change.Now the outside too.The thing is I can't even stick one day to any diet.My mother says it's because of the stress of trying to sell the house,separating,a major life change.And having to see all that goes on with him.
It's Alanon again folks.Every time I look at me in any way I get depressed.I am working on my inner self,I have started the steps.I see that I have abandonned myself all these years and now I see that I have even destroyed my looks and my health.This is why I have always left the program.I just couldn't face all this.
Ok, so what are my options here.Leave Alanon as I always have.Don't focus on myself.Tell myself I'm ok,I'm not that bad.I don't steal,have never cheated on my husband.I'm honest,trustworthy.dependable.I'm not lazy.I care about people.Have a good sense of humor.Yeah, I need to lose some weight.But maybe I'll put that on the back burner until I get away from him and then it will be easier to take care of myself.
Or I could stay this time.Deal with these awful feelings.Ok.I hate the way I look.I hate my clothes.To get clothes I like I have to lose weight.To lose weight something has to change in my activity or eating.It's not easy.But anything worth having is worth working for.One day at a time.Ugly feeling comes up.I want to run from it.Instead I feel it.I say this is ugly I don't like it.What can I do to feel better? Whether it's my looks or my anger or my control issues or regrets,what ever it is,it's just feelings.
Two choices as I see it.Run.Stay in denial.Stay unhappy.Tell myself if I looked better he would not have left.Feel sorry for myself.Ok, I am already there. Or I can do something different this time and maybe I won't ever have to feel those things again.Maybe doing the 'next right thing' and starting to slowly take better care of myself physically and emotionally I can start to feel good about myself and I won't have these little depressions anymore.
How much of this is related to the affects of alcoholism on me and how much is just me?
Maybe someone has an answer? thanks for being here. d
Hello, drucilla, I am so glad you are here. I hope you will also find a caring, good face to face meeting. I can really relate to not liking/loving myself. Alanon helped me with that, doing just what you are talking about: working the Steps with a sponsor, and feeling the feelings. Sometimes it was so hard to feel the feelings, on second (or less) at a time. I had to learn to trust my HP. Remember, your HP loves you and has brought you this far. Like the rest of us, you are so loved. To me, your being here again and knowing that in the past you bolted for the door is a sign of your courage. Your being here helps me, too. I will pray for your recovery. The Program works if you work it, and you will find that one day you love yourself and accept yourself, warts and all. Keep coming back! Blessings, mebjk
I understand exactly what you are feeling right now. I don't mean to push or sound preachy but you may find something useful in my story.
My program started the opposite. Long before I found Alanon I looked at myself one day and realised by letting the worry and depression of living with my A take over my life I had gained 65 pounds, never smiled, dressed like a 15 year old boy in fact I shopped for jeans in the husky boy section for a few years and left makeup behind. Now I work in a hair salon and seeing happy pretty women all day did nothing but reinforce what a crappy life I had. I had a health scare, which is still going on and I decided there was no way I was going to let my body down after all it does for me. So I researched the diet fads and came to the conclusion that none of them were for me, denying more in my life was not an option. Then I started reading fitness magazines, and learned a few tricks to stay in control of my decision to eat what I wanted just in better ways. That led to research on food and true portion sizes .... OH MY that was a shock to me, as a teenager in the 80's everything was better supersized! This led me to finding the calorie count that would let me eat well and still lose weight, 5 days a week and weekends I had leeway to splurge on extras. I lost enough weight over the year that one spring I was able to start walking with no pain. I've now made it to 50 pounds lost and kept off for a couple years now with another 20 to go for my optimum health. My diet has changed but not in ways I feel deprived of anything I really want. It's just a different way of living and the best part is I like it. It's given me confidence to find Alanon and work on my insides, I've found when my body feels stronger I am stronger inside too. And girl clothes can be so fun, I had not thought myself worth heels in so long that I had to relearn how to walk
I'm grateful for Alanon now making my inside feel as good as my outside, I was more scared of this than anything I did to lose weight or in shopping. Looking inside has proved much harder. Both together has given me a new lease on life though. I think I needed to see life from not feeling good about myself physically in order to see how bad my spiritual side was too.
Don't get frustrated with yourself, you are doing the best you can! You are a beautiful person inside and out!
(((drucilla))) I think you could combine your options as you described them. Tell yourself you are ok; honest, dependable, trustworthy etc and stay with Al-Anon. Self-love and self-forgiveness take time. Why compare yourself to someone else if it only makes you feel worse? Ok, so you've recognised you've 'let yourself go' a little. In my experience something has to give when living with an alcoholic and in this case maybe it is your self-care. Recovery is a process and takes time. If you've got a lot of stress in your life, you can't change everything at once. Just take baby steps, it's little by little, one day at a time.
I certainly wasn't a smiling, happy person while living with alcoholism. I was a person in extreme pain. It affected my physical health (which was already poor), my mental health (I too suffered depression) and also my looks. In my case I lost weight but being an immobile hatstand wasn't attractive either. I personally didn't beat myself up about this. I had suffered enough already. Underneath it all I knew I was a loving, caring person and I deserved to be happy. I'd just lost myself in the quagmire of alcoholism. Recovery also means to regain what was lost and in my case that was my better self.
Al-Anon reminded me to be gentle and loving with myself. I gave myself permission to be extra-specially nice to me. I had to re-learn how to eat well, sleep properly, take my medicines regularly (and on time!), exercise appropriately etc. I made more effort to go to the doctors, dentists, opticians routinely. Then hey! before I knew it, it felt good and I started having manicures/pedicures and back massages etc. I looked into alternative health remedies as conventional ones hadn't worked. I was worth every second and every penny! I met with some success regards my health condition but even when I relapsed, that was ok because I knew I could get well again. I wasn't going to give up on me. My well-being and happiness are my responsibility, Al-Anon told me it was ok to make them my priority.
For me, working on my insides was more important than 'fixing' my outsides and as I became more confident and my self-esteem rose, self-care became easier. To this day, I struggle with balance and maintenance but that's perfectly alright; I'm an imperfect human-being. You may feel like a 'horrible' person but I assure you underneath it all you are a wonderful, glorious, beautiful being. IMHO you are a 'child of God' and 'God/HP' doesn't make mistakes.
Tell myself if I looked better he would not have left.
(((Drucilla)))
Okay, if you want to have a pity party go ahead and do it. We are all entitled to one every now and then. But don't accept the blame for him leaving because of how you look.
If you are unhappy with your appearance, then chance it for you. Change it because it makes you feel better about you. If someone is going to leave because you have some extra weight on you, or you have let yourself go, then they don't deserve you.
My weight is important to me, I don't go by the scale, I go by how I feel. When I put on extra weight I feel sluggish and tired. I judge by the way my clothes feel and how I feel. It isn't about appearance, it is about my quality of life.
Spring is here, if you want to lose weight, start walking, enjoy nature and the colors of spring. You will feel better physically and emotionally. Fruit will be coming into season, eat fresh fruit and drink lots of water. This will all make you physically feel better. I know myself when I feel better physically, I feel better in general. Life still can be hard, but I am better able to deal with it.
Drucilla you deserve it all! So let yourself grieve adn then let yourslf live.
Love Jeannie
PS> Stop looking at pictures of the girlfriend, you deserve better than that.
you wrote: Ok, so what are my options here.Leave Alanon as I always have.Don't focus on myself.Tell myself I'm ok,I'm not that bad.I don't steal,have never cheated on my husband.I'm honest,trustworthy.dependable.I'm not lazy.I care about people.Have a good sense of humor.Yeah, I need to lose some weight.But maybe I'll put that on the back burner until I get away from him and then it will be easier to take care of myself.
Leave al-anon? Run, Stay in denial, or stay unhappy? I sense that you already know what you really wish and need for. This willpass... Think you are overdue for some serenity? Guess what? You are so worth it!
