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I am an adult child of 2 alcoholics, and frankly, I've done all I can do for my father, but I'm just not willing to give up on my mom, who raised me alone from the age of 7 on. About 7 years ago, my mom got sober. It was wonderful! She was like a new person. But about 5 years ago my uncle died from heroin overdoes and my mom just lost it. She ended up being institutionalized and was given electro-shock therapy. She has little to no memory for a few months while she came home with me. To make a long story short, she moved in with my grandma and started drinking behind everyone's back until I caught her. That was 3 years ago. She's been telling me ever since that it's social drinking while I watch her drink beer all day long. It has now evolved into her stealing pain pills out of my grandma's p[urse. I've tried to talk to her about it, but she won't admit there's a problem. Please, please, if u have any suggestions, throw them out there. I'm at a loss as to what to do which is what drew me to this website.
First of all welcome to the message board. Glad you have found a place to come to.
It sounds like you have alot of love and gratitude for your mom. It is sad that her disease has such a hold on her. Sometimes the best we can do is accept our parents, flaws and all, always remembering that as far as their disease goes, we didn't cause it, we can't control it, and we certainly can't cure it. I have found that the best thing I can do for everybody in a dysfunctional household is take the best care of myself as I can. Know that I love them, but also know that they are permitted their choices too, healthy or not. Loving them doesn't mean that I have to buy alcohol for them or even like that they choose that. Loving them doesn't mean that I have to engage in arguments with them about what is right and what is wrong.... really who am I to say. Loving them means that yes, I can state my opinion but I cannot force another person to "obey" what I think is right. Loving them means that I set healthy boundaries for myself. If a situation gets out of control, I love best if I take a step back and ask myself.... "is there something I can do to make this situation reasonable".... sometimes that means I need to leave the room, house, etc.
I know that sometimes it sounds like how to love is a harsh thing, yet it is always the best thing. When you can, just simply enjoy the moments that you can with her. Life is short, but it can be a wonderful journey in the process.
Thanks so much for the encouraging words. The thing is, her whole family has been pressuring her to go to meetings, so now she does. She waits until 20 mins after it starts so she doesn't have to lie about being sober, then she leaves early. She goes to make the family happy and she's been doing this for about 2 months. I don't think it's getting through her thick skull. Should I hand it over toGod at this point? I don't know what to do. I love my mom so much I don't know that I can stand by and watch her kill herself. She has hepititis C, and every beer is hurting her liver a little more. Any more advice? Thanks so much
Hello , your mom is very lucky to have a daughter who cares so much, but the truth is that there is nothing u can do about her. She is obviously just not ready to give it up yet . You said your m om leaves her meeting so she dosent have to lie about not drinking , that says alot for your moms character. (hugs) She knows she is in trouble but is not yet prepared to do what she has to do. So as u said i believe it is time to Let go and Let God . she has a higher power too and he will take her where she needs to go,so she is not alone.
I hope u are attending meetings Al-Anon for yourself you will find some peace of mind in those rooms an dpeople who understand where your at , and will share thier own experiences with you. please for your sake give our program a try. Love her and accept who she is , and remember the more u try to open someones eyes - the more they close thier ears. acceptance works , lectures , tears begging threatning don't .
Hi ((((lilmissy)))), welcome to MIP. Your post touched me. My A had a schoolfriend who he re-met in AAmeetings. The schoolfriend suffered with brain aneurisms. After one particularly bad episode and the attempted surgery he 'forgot' he was alcoholic, all the misery it had brought him and all the recovery he had enjoyed. I'm wondering how the electro-shock treatment affected your Mums memory. You said she lost it for a few months after treatment. Do you know if it has been fully recovered? Does she remember the 'horror' of her drinking? Does she remember getting sober? Does she remember what it was like to be sober? I was wondering if she has a mental health team who can advise and assist on her particular case. Apparently, there are ways to help regain lost memories in some circumstances.
If she does have full recall and she is back in her disease then all I can suggest is that you attend Al-Anon face-to-face meetings and those here online. Read the literature, get a sponsor and work the steps of our program. Al-Anon will give you support and understanding. You will not be expected to give up on your Mum. It tells us 'we can be happy whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not'. We can't tell you how you can 'fix' your Mum but if you seek your own recovery it may encourage her to seek hers. In the meantime, you will learn how to deal with her alcoholism better and be happier within yourself. I hope something I've said may help. You are no longer alone.
I can understand the feelings you maybe going thru......This dease robs so much from our loved ones as well as some of us ,My heart has sunk from the feelings of helplessness.One thing this dease could not take from me was believeing in my HP I choose to call God.Today in my life I have 3 acctive adult children ,God gave me and I gave them back to God for he could help them far more than I.My suggestion hun give mom to your HP to take care of her.Take care of you...You are inportant.....My suggestion is try to get to meetings.The more meetings I went to the better I felt.I learned so many emotions that were locked up inside.I also learned ways to go on and heal from them.From this program I have grown.It is here for you the only thing you need is the williness.One Day At a Time sending prayers your way sweet missy
I found NO easy answers,which really, there aren't any. When people used to tell me you can lead a horse to water , but you can't make them drink, did I believe it, yea right. No way Hose' was I gonna let that happen to MY mom ! And, boy, what I didn't know then that I know now would't fit on this page. I heard the wods, yet No way to digest what that meant, so , I threw that one in the trash and did what I understood and thought would work. I am 52 now, and still, no outside source can change an inside job. None of the pressure worked in my situation, it only pushed them to find more ways to do what they do and hide it even better. I found it was alot easier to SEE the truth of the matter if I left it be and not put them in a situation to feel they had to hide to avoid the LECTURES, PREACHING, and so on as mine called it.When my A family and A relationship was put in a spot to hear it from me, there was always a consequence to me from them. They liked(maybe not liked) did payback, revenge,etc in any way to push back to defend their belief they could do whatever they da** well pleased with their life and to shut my face and keep my sh** to myself. WOOAH !!! I was told many a time about MY family this , that,.........I lived in shame and humiliation, powerless and helpless to do anything unless I pay the price for the interference. I mean I had to face up, and I'd ask myself questions when I wasn't in agony over it most of the time on down the road when I could manage to think about myself(or should I say rationalize with myself another plan for them, out of love of course) . So to myself I asked , "Could anybody make ME do someting I didn't want to do ?" Well.............Then I found the 12 step programs thinking I could get ideas how to FIX them(save them,love them, take care of them, and on that line of reasoning goes). The more I learned, the more I found out I had to look at ME, cause thats what they were doing too, for one thing. OMG , the pain of it all. I found I had to start the grieving process for the walking dead, as their spirit in my opinion, was gone and replaced by this numbing substance that drownded who they were underneat it all. Underneat it all they don't want to face their issues or don't know how to. And so I came to find out I had to pull the plug and let the cards fall where they may.(also called LET GO AND LET GOD). They played their hand and I had to learn to play mine. I cheated alot like he** to get what I wanted out of it , but I lost.
So, lilmissy707, it HURT and HURT like he**, and probably always will. As long as I can SEE them and FEEL them, I feel pain. Nothin' easy bout this. So the more I get with doin the program and learning about me and how to handle the only one I can, ME, it gets easier to do, still HURTS , but different. I have PTSD from living in the war zone I lived in. And other stuff. I found a good support system and the 12 steps way of life. No way does it come overnite. I'm still learning and their still doin' it. Some decide to go get themselves help and that great.For some I hear it works, cause they decided they wanted to work for it and did. I wasn't so lucky to experience mine to do that.
I went on to include things for me in my life instead of all my energy to them. I lost alot of self esteem in the process(if I ever had any, can't recall any) that I 'm working on to give myself a life and trying to accept the fact that it will never be with them. And thats more HURT, but it gets easier as I become more of myself.
I hope you stay in the program and find the promises. There are mtgs all over, if I couldn't find a comfortable(not meaning there is any comfort that there is this problem), but one to suit my needs. I tried another one as there are different people and different stages of growing. There is pain in growing to. I hope and pray you will find and stick with a 12 step support program and the road will be easier to steer. I hope I've helped you some. T ake care of yourself and maybe we shall chat someday.
BLESSINGS IN RECOVERY
__________________
I tell myself when times are rough, "this to shall pass!!!" Ask HP for guidance, if the door is open, and I know how to look, I will become aware! I also visit http://www.inspiringthots.net/ . Blessings , Your sister in Recovery
lilmissy707 
I found NO easy answers,which really, there aren't any. When people used to tell me you can lead a horse to water , but you can't make them drink, did I believe it, yea right. No way Hose' was I gonna let that happen to MY mom ! And, boy, what I didn't know then that I know now would't fit on this page. I heard the wods, yet No way to digest what that meant, so , I threw that one in the trash and did what I understood and thought would work. I am 52 now, and still, no outside source can change an inside job. None of the pressure worked in my situation, it only pushed them to find more ways to do what they do and hide it even better. I found it was alot easier to SEE the truth of the matter if I left it be and not put them in a situation to feel they had to hide to avoid the LECTURES, PREACHING, and so on as mine called it.When my A family and A relationship was put in a spot to hear it from me, there was always a consequence to me from them. They liked(maybe not liked) did payback, revenge,etc in any way to push back to defend their belief they could do whatever they da** well pleased with their life and to shut my face and keep my sh** to myself. WOOAH !!! I was told many a time about MY family this , that,.........I lived in shame and humiliation, powerless and helpless to do anything unless I pay the price for the interference. I mean I had to face up, and I'd ask myself questions when I wasn't in agony over it most of the time on down the road when I could manage to think about myself(or should I say rationalize with myself another plan for them, out of love of course) . So to myself I asked , "Could anybody make ME do someting I didn't want to do ?" Well.............Then I found the 12 step programs thinking I could get ideas how to FIX them(save them,love them, take care of them, and on that line of reasoning goes). The more I learned, the more I found out I had to look at ME, cause thats what they were doing too, for one thing. OMG , the pain of it all. I found I had to start the grieving process for the walking dead, as their spirit in my opinion, was gone and replaced by this numbing substance that drownded who they were underneat it all. Underneat it all they don't want to face their issues or don't know how to. And so I came to find out I had to pull the plug and let the cards fall where they may.(also called LET GO AND LET GOD). They played their hand and I had to learn to play mine. I cheated alot like he** to get what I wanted out of it , but I lost.
