The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I don't post a lot, but I sure do spend a lot of time reading other posts. This forum is about all the support I have for my disease and I so appreciate it.
When I first came here, I thought, oh poor me and what I have to put up with. Now I feel that I have a much better perspective and that my problems don't even come close to what some of you have and are going through.
It made me think about the good things about my AW. She brought up a wonderful daughter all on her own until we got married. Her daughter is a wonderful young lady with a great career and a good marriage. I am so proud of her for that. She is and always has been a very hard worker both at home and at work, and her coemployees and superiors have always respected her. We do everything together (when she is not really into her drinking) and she has always supported and loved me. We enjoy each other's company and have many interesting times just talking with each other. She is fully functional, and functional at a high level, (when she is not drinking).
Do I hate the disease and everything that goes with it? Absolutely. But I love all of the good things about my wife and all of you have helped me to appreciate those good things and to simply detach from the rest.
What about you? What are the good things about your A that keep you there and make you happy that you still have them?
Well, Juster, good post. Maybe we all need to think about it sometimes, we get so caught up in the negatives! My A husband has a great sense of humor, he makes me laugh. We spend time together fishing, camping, exploring. He can fix anything, and is very handy to have around the house. He is a loyal friend. He is a good grandpa to our little 2 year old granddaughter.
He is a hard worker, and has the respect of his fellow employees and his superiors also. He can do plumbing, electrical work, construction, work on computers, cars, anything mechanical. He completely rewired our little house, and we completely replaced all the drywall and plumbing. He brings me BIG rocks for the flower gardens that he finds in fields. I mean, so big, he can't lift them, he has to use a truck lift gate and pry bar, or chain! They are very cool! We both like rocks. (Hard, like our heads are!)
He is a wonderful, caring husband until the alcohol takes him away. Then, I don't know the man who comes in his place. I think if he ever saw a video of himself drinking, it would scare him. It does me. I just try to block out the words and the loud voice.
I love my husband very much, and I hate the alcoholism very much. I just keep working on myself and my program, and try to leave my husband to God. God knows him better than I do.
You are so right, there is so much negative about this disease that I think the positive can get buried.
My husband is a very loving man. He is extremely talented with his hands. When he sets his mind to it, there is nothing he can't build or fix. He is a wonderful cook, okay a very messy one, but the food he makes is deliciouse.
Before this disease got a full hold of him, he was affectionate and playful. He loved to tease, not in a mean way, but a fun way. He taught me how to crab, how to fish. He taught me about the stars. He taught our older kids how to make lanterns with fireflies and mayonaise jars.
He can still when he is sober find the most amazing places to take walks, (out of the way trails and parks).
After more than 20 years I still love watching his face while he sleeps and when he walks in the door my heart still skips. I often wish I didn't, but I stil love him with all my heart.
I too hate this disease and what it has done to him and our family, but I do love him, and pray every day for the return of the man I married.
Thank you for this post. There have been some really neat post lately, compassion for our A's and now appreciation. I liked the sentence in today's Courage to Change, "I see that I am not the only one with good ideas, valid criticisims, and noble motives." My A has all of those too
A few years ago I could have given you a mile long list of good qualities, many have faded, but the one that remains is he tries. He tries in so many ways to do what is right and I can honestly look at him today and know that it's not BS -- I can see his struggle. I appreciate that in him. (it doesn't mean I can count on anything, lol, I can still appreciate it)
He can still make me laugh, has great hugs, and when he's not drinking is great to do projects with. It's like we look at things two totally different ways and we talk in half sentences, then come up with something that works out better than either one of our ideas by themselves. I love that, it's nice. We remodeled our first house together, gutted the whole thing, we had such a good time and we did it together.
I'll have to keep thinking on this, I'm sure I'll find more. It's a good exercise for me . Keep my thoughts on the positives.
I struggled at first in the Alanon literature when it talks about being loving and respectful to the alcoholic. After all he has done to me? But I understand the value of compassion for someone who is sick. I do appreciate and love my A even more so because he left the marriage. He is so smart, he can fix anything, he use to be my companion in everything from fitness to travel to jobs, he is the best hugger, a great provider, and most of all a wonderful dad to our three sons. I love him so but the disease has come between us and I have to work very hard to set boundaries to protect myself.
This is a great post that provokes good thinking. With the A being my 21 year old daughter, it is not hard for me to see the good in her. My spouse is the one that is having the problem and he sees all doom and gloom in her now. He does listen to me when I point out the good in her and the fact that having hope for her is so important. She is still the same person inside that she use to be before her alcoholism progressed. We see more and more of that person all the time yet there are relapses of that too. When her alcoholism was at it's worst we didn't know who she was anymore. It was so heartbreaking to us! Now that she is clean and sober and working her program she seems more like the daughter we once knew. She still has alcoholic characteristics and her self esteem has suffered so much from the disease. If we can point out the good in them at times, I feel that will surely help their self esteem to increase too. Thanks again for this post. cdb xoxoxoxo
I know we all experience crises that prompt us to cry for help on this board, I have done it myself. Lately, however, I have had a hard time finding posts that relate the positive messages of personal growth that can be found in alanon. I want to thank you for your post and tell you how full I feel having found yet another tool to help me manage my feelings about my AH. For as much as he gets on my nerves when he is intoxicated (which is most of the time), I often get glimpses of the man I fell in love with and married. Those glimpses are what keeping me from giving up hope. He is funny, committed, a loving father, a great chef, and my best friend. He is trying to work himself out and is tired of being sick. Every day I pray to my hp that this will be the day. Some day it will.
Thank you all for your responses! Reading them reaffirms my feeling that I need to continue to remember all of the good things about my AW and to let her know how much I appreciate her. Yes, I will still have to deal with and detach from her during her drinking bouts, but will otherwise carry on as normal and enjoy all of the wonderful things she does bring to my life.
I try to say both possitives about my A and negatives about my A's Disease now. I have learned alot I know I have tons more to learn. Because truth is I even have my possitives and negatives. The latest possitive that I have about my A is that after several months of not showing any care for himself. He is starting to think about goals for himself and even called them that. That was a big step for him. He also asked me if his drinking bothered me, for the first time I told him YES. I was so scared to say how I really felt. But he and I have always been able to talk. It is just when the one of his diseases have him that it is impossible for me. My negative has been that I have been letting other people tell me how to feel and what to do. Instead of letting my hp help me see what is really important his will. My postitive is I am finding my serenity. I used to take somethings that people said the wrong way and get upset and even hurt by it. But now I know I was only hurting myself. That is why I love this place because it is helping me see both sides to this. So I am thankful when someone says does anyone have a possitive because everyone has them and when I vent so much I even have to think about all of it not just the disease portion.
Angeleyes
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I believe in my HP to show me the way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
. Keep my thoughts on the positives.