The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A received an accident settlement end of February. A decent sum but not a fortune. From the start we planned on holding aside a certain amount for a rainy day. Of course as time has gone by that amount has shrunk. We didn't "piss" the money away (something an A could literally do). We bought a pickup truck with a plow and an ATV to pull firewood out of the woods with (both used of course). A new computer, gas grill & TV. I was able to have some much needed dental work done (one more visit to go). And the biggie - we renovated the kitchen (we bought used cabinets, counters, etc.) A and a neighbor did the work. Mostly the neighbor as A started drinking again 3 weeks ago after a month and a half off.
There are a couple of things we still need to do like put up moldings to cover the shortcomings in the kitchen reno and ductwork for our heating system. Then the spending has to stop if we are to have anything left over. Not going to be easy as A's self esteem very much wrapped up in throwing money around and therefore looking successful and his drinking habit not cheap. I can see the depression setting in already.
Lebe - Does the molding really matter? You still have a kitchen to in right? Try and look at things a bit differently. That is what I have done with leaving my AH. I left a beautiful, custom decorated, victorian home. Was I happy there, no! We live in a house that needs a lot of work now, are we happy here, yes! My boys are so much happier here and easier to live with. My kitchen needs molding too, that is at the bottom of my list. Getting my kids back on track and all of us working together as a family is #1. I don't have kids hiding in some other part of the house, I have a family. I think we all spend to much time obsessing about money. It doesn't make us happier, we make us happier.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
I don't have any advise for you but I will share my experience.
I spent money for years to keep my AW happy. The more we spent the more things went on the list. No matter what we scratched off the list at some point I noticed she was still not happy.
Last year I mentioned to her that we will have to pace ourselves this coming year, and the thought of that put her into a full blown depression.
The disease in her case wanted anything and everything to distract her from the pain and guilt of what she is doing to herself, and I didn't look at it that way. I thought somehow I was letting her down by not being able to provide what she needed.
Every situation is different but the one truth you can fall back on is... you can't make another person happy if they don't want to be. You can't buy it, you can't beg it and you can't force it.
The disease can't allow them to be happy, "really happy" because then they have to own up to the fact that they have no excuse for drinking. The disease needs them to be miserable.
I was a willing participant in spending every nickle we had to try and make everyone happy, and it nearly ended us up in bankrupcy... and me in the nut house. The only part of that which upset her was the fact that we don't still do it. That was a shocker when I calmed down enough to see it.
Using the program to keep me calm enough, and level headed enough to make good decissions will keep that from happening. I have to say no to an extravegance that keeps us from paying bills. Nobody else will do it.
Just remember you have a choice... a choice to be secure for all of your sakes.
Take care of you, and keep sharing. I use this board daily in order to keep me from slipping back into bad habits that hurt me.
It works if you work it.
BTW - My grandparents had a sign in thier kitchen that my Gma painted and it said "Liebe hier gesprochen" It means "Love spoken here". I really miss them! Your board name brought back some fine memories for me. - Thanks!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
(((((((((lebe))))))))))) I am wishing you all the best. The thing I have learned is no matter where we go or what we do or spend, there we still are. Feelings, hurts, patterns, routines, behaviors etc. are still how they use to be. I hope all will work out for you and that the ease of having these things done and taken care of ( especially your teeth) help take stress off both of you. Have you thought of taking some money like $25.00 at a time and sticking it away in case you may need it to leave someday or for your protection? I don't like keeping secrets from our spouses but in some cases it is necessary to have some money put away secretly in case we do need to leave per past experiences. For now, enjoy what you have and keep working on your program. It never hurts to increase the value of your home either :) Your friend in recovery, cdb :) xoxoxoxoxo
