The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I feel like making a sign and wearing it around my neck that says... "I'm doing the best I can..."
My feelings towards my AW have wavered between irritation to sadness for her. She doesn't want me working a program, but she wants me fixed. Right now. (Or back to obeying her every thought/command)
She is upset, but she refuses to get any help for herself.
I took her to a doctor today because her stress over this has manifested itself in physical issues. Doctor told her word for word what I have been suggesting. My word, she was pissed. And this doctor is a friend of hers.
I answer almost every question... "I am doing the best I can" That's is about all I can say anymore. It is the only thing I can say that doesn't insite a riot.
I am praying that she will get help from something/someone. Until then... I will do the best I can.
(((You all))) take care!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I am so sorry that she is denying the situation and is becoming physically ill and making everyone around her unhappy and concerned.
My a started complaining about feeling ill several months ago. He says he has constant stomache aches. It is no wonder since he is drinking 2 liters of gin, taquilla, or whiskey every day. I figure it isn't his stomache but his liver which is hurting. But I don't say anything because he blames it on stress. I cannot imagine what stress he has as the only activities he particaptes in are watching TV while he plays computer games, lifts the bottle to his mouth, and naps.
I have come to the conclusion that I must detach. Let him feel ill. Let him make his mistakes. I have my own life to lead and the less I have to do with him the better.
I hope you will find a place within yourself where you are able to let it go, knowing that you have tried to help but that you simply cannot.
Your strength through these past few mosnths overwhelms me. I wish I could face each day witht he grace and dignity with which you do. Your children are so very fortunate to have you in their lives, some sense of stability and a willingness to change what is an awful situation.
Your openness, willingness to share your ESH, and reach out to others is inspirational to us all here. More importantly for me, you are evidence that the "well that is what guys do, or that is what all fathers are like", is just another myth. Your compassion for your wife and children show that insensitivity, lack of responsibility, self-centeredness and all the rest of the stereo typical traits of so many men in our society are just that, stereotypical. It does not have to be that way and you prove it every day, with every breath you take. In a society where more than 50% of our children are fatherless, you are stepping up to the plate. I am sooooo proud of you. So many men would run.
You said you were doing the best you can, it almost sounded like you are questioning whether that is good enough. I just wanted to let you know that the best you can is more than most of us could even hope for in a husband and a father.
"Doing the best you can" is all you or anyone else can expect from you, plus it sounds like th ebest you can is pretty great.
Your compassion for your wife is so wonderful.
You are doing all the right things, detaching with love and offering help if she wants it.
My husband suffered with stomach pains for so long. He blamed it on stress as well. I always thought this amazing as we should all have that little stress in our lives, he took virtually no responsibility. When he had to be hospitalized it turned out to be intestine and stomach problems. He had to have surgery to remove part of his intestines and stomach. Even though the Doctor told him it was a direct result of his drinking, him and his Mother still blame it on stress. Now it is his liver that is in trouble, the Doctor has told him he must stop drinking completely, and there is hope for recovery. This time he and his Mother blame it on Tylenol. Funny since he hardly ever takes Tylenol. Until they are ready to see and hear the truth, nothing matters, they will find something else to blame, never their drinking.
Keep doing what you are doing. You are doing the best for you, your children and though she doesn't see it, your wife as well.
You DO sound like you are doing the best you can, and then some!! One thing that I made big mistakes on, is I was typically looking for validation of that fact from my (then active) wife at the time, and of course it seldom, if ever, came about. As I got healthier, as I see in your posts every day, I came to be able to trust my own judgments, and validate myself, or in need, I would turn to my Al-Anon and support group for the validation.
I can remember one such "aha" moment, when my A was very active. Our kids were 5 & 3 at the time.... she was drunk downstairs, basically for about eight weeks straight.... I had the kids in fulltime daycare, so I would drop the kids off at daycare in the am on my way to work, pick them up after work, make dinner, bathe and put them to bed, and then clean house.... One night while I was cleaning up, she came upstairs, drunker than a skunk, and starting in on me about what a lousy husband/father/provider I was..... and it was all I could do to not laugh!! Not long before, I would have defended myself to the hills, reiterating all the things that I was doing, etc., etc., but it never did my (or her) any good. That night, I didn't react (not even inside), other than to think - wow, is she ever a mess, and with me not willing to fight, she sheepishly went back down to her 'cave'. That night is one of those embedded memories for me, and a great reminder to me about the power and strength of my recovery program.
You sound like you are doing awesome RTex, and glad to hear it!!
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
(((((((((rtexas)))))))) I appreciate how you take a low -sad moment or one that is a bit frustrating and/or confusing and turn it into something positive and up! You have a way to make anything into something holding/possesses only full of Faith and Hope. I love that!!!!
... is that understandable? ((LOL)) I'm trying to say that Your an great inspiration to me to ** keep working the program. You are doing great! I have read just about everyone of your posts. (I sometimes get behind... time factors on my part lol) I think you're a wonderful loving person with a strong will. And a strong belief in HP. Stay strong & Keep Workin IT!
Your are not alone. We're Here for You too!! ((((BIGALANONHUG)))
I think that is all any of us can do. Some of us do it better than others after falling on our butts so much of having our hearts stomped on by the A. You are doing great. I've heard "Fake it till you Make it" so much in this program. I often have to use this mind set to get me through a confrontation or a hard day. It's not easy, but you have figured out that this is her addiction and our addiction is them. So in order for us to become healthy we have to let go of the person that keeps us in bondage and allow that person to make their own choices, have their own opinions, fall on their own asses and pick themselves up. We have to do that for ourselves, the expectation should be the same for them. The sadness is we see that it is tremendously difficult for them to get it together to do anything. My A has had so many losses that I can't count them on my hands any longer. So much of the loss and grief in his life has been self inflicted. He talks himself into believing that he doesn't have a choice and that is why he makes the decisions he does, usually they are not very thought out decisions and scary.
I put my foot down when it comes to hurting me or the kids, if he wants to louse up his own chances that's his business. I'm sorry your AW is having difficulty with your recovery. I love to read the Merry Go Round of Denial, as it helps to put in perspective that recovery has to begin with us. Your program is working for you and that's awesome. Have a great weekend.
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
ANONHUG)))