The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I woke up this morning in a very sad mood. Hubby had stayed up all night with his bottle and online poker game, came to bed around 8 a.m. Last night I had gone to bed with the words "I'll be up soon" from him, I tossed the ball for our dog in the bedroom a few times and told her I bet she'd love to go to the park to play ball, thought to myself that would be a nice thing for hubby and I to do next day. Had planned to suggest it to him when he came to bed, but I fell asleep before that happened. Had a call from daughter needing a different pair of shoes, so I got up and drove them down to school for her. Came back home and went online to read message board. First post I read about had me in tears...."Reflecting...."
Yes, it is soooo hard loving an alcoholic at times. And then I ask myself, what makes that so? I could point at his behavior, at the progression of the disease and blame it all on that. I could talk about how my needs are not met as I want (need ?) them to be. It is so easy to see all the things he doesn't do, the ways he doesn't act (that I miss), the things not said anymore...
And then I recall how he once told me how I used to stroke his head and rub his shoulders at the end of the day. How that reminded him of his grandma who was his one "safe" person, who loved him unconditionally, his only safe haven growing up. How when I did that it relaxed him and took all his worries and cares away, calmed him, chased the anger away. I can look back at those times and remember how we had really nice, loving evenings then. When did I stop doing that? Why did I stop doing that? When did the anger replace the love? When did the light of love die from my eyes? When did the frustrations and tiredness take over? (Ha! As I write this, Tim McGraw's song "Unbroken" is playing in the background. That song says so much better what I used to do for him, how I made him feel....and how he made me feel.)
So, what is my reason for this whole post? Reflecting.... reflecting on Love. The power of Love, coupled with our slogan Let It Begin with Me. I know that it is not in my power to cure his disease. I know he must have that spiritual awakening for himself. I also know that my attitude CAN affect our life together though. I have seen the difference between when I unconditionally loved versus when I lost sight of that love and let the anger, disappointment, etc. take over. I can recall his comments of "you hate me, don't you?", "you don't respect me anymore, do you?" I know how thinking that hurts him. I also know how it hurts me. How Al-Anon Works, p.87, the last paragraph says it best. "Forgiveness is no favor. We do it for no one but ourselves....(leaving out middle section of paragraph)... if we keep in mind that everything we are now trying to do has the goal of healing us, we are bound to decide that the best thing we can do for ourselves is to forgive." Not only forgiveness of others, but forgiveness of myself, that topic says to me. Because yes, I could look at his part, but I also, more importantly, need to look at MY part. My part is the only part I can change. Let It Begin with Me.
Artist: Tim McGraw Song: Take Me Away From Here
My body burns like there's a desert deep in me A thirsty soul so unsatisfied But there you are like a river to the sea The one chance I have to change my life
Darling, take me away from here Make it seem like we're a million miles away Another time, another place Make me a different man Move me farther than I've ever been before Show me that there's something more
Sometimes I feel like I'm trapped inside myself Spinning wheels up and down, round and round Going nowhere just like everybody else With no touch, no sight, no sound
But you could take me away from here Make it seem like we're a million miles away Another time, another place Make me a different man Move me farther than I've ever been before Show me that there's something more
Give me hopes and dreams to fill my head Push my heart so I can fly again
Take me away from here Make it seem like we're a million miles away Another time, another place Make me a different man Move me farther than I've ever been before Show me that there's something more
Take me away from here Take me away from here Take me away from here
__________________
Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
To quote another Tim McGraw song here (yes, I have kinda started to like/listen to country music, get over it!!) "Where do you go when you're lonely? Where do you go when you're blue?" I do get the blues.....Often times I feel like I am not living life to the fullest. I should be doing this, that, blah blah blah.......but when the blues strikes me now, I have a program to help me cope....And some of the best people I have ever known to; to be there for me. To make me laugh when almost at tears. To help me forget my troubles for a little while, to see things in a better light. Odat Kis.
I have been thinking about hubby non-stop since I read that post this morning.
Yep I ahve stopped holding his hand as much as I used to. When we first met I would rub the side of his face, he really liked that, I have stopped that to. It is hard to be affectionate when I am upset with him.
Thanks for the post. Sometimes it really helps to know that I am not alone in my thinking.
Much Love,
__________________
"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
I can so relate to your post. Where did the love go? Where is that look in the eyes when we glanced at each other with a smile, or a silly grin? I miss so much those days of fun and laughter I once shared with my A. Even though he has been gone for over 3 years from me, I still yearn for his touch, his hugs, our laughter we shared for so many years,but mostly I miss the "being a complete family". I feel empty and lonely at times, and I dream of what could have been. This disease mames, it destroys, it mutilates families, and breaks us into pieces, and it gnaws at our very soul. Our home which once held family functions filled the rooms with laughter and noise, now I sit alone with the noise of a radio or TV to fill the void. The whole family unit has been divided by one man's drinking, and the blame game continues. As you can see by my post that I too have been having a rough time with it, it comes and goes, but alanon helps me to set some positive notations into my swirling mind, so I dont dwell as much as I used to on things I have no control over. "This too shall pass". Knowing you are not alone, we your alanon friends are here for you.
I know exactly where you are coming from. I too love my A and intend to stay but it is real hard sometimes. So much more compromise is required to make it work. But when times are good they are real good just have to try for more good times. Our changed attitudes can make room for that.
