The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am having a hard time getting my A off my mind lately. I haven't been able to sleep now for days. At night seems to be the worse when everything is quiet. I try to stay as busy as I can during the day so that my thoughts are not consumed with him but they catch up with me late at night. I think it all started last Wednesday night when my A called me and was talking out of his head. I had not heard from him in over five weeks. He was telling me that he wanted me to know that he still loved me and that he had really screwed his life up and he knew it. He then told me that he knew that I had been going out every weekend since I left and that he knew that I danced with another man a couple of Friday's ago. This kinda creeped me out. I didn't know if he had been following me or was talking to someone that knew what I was doing. I have really let this get to me. It has kept me up for several nights now.
I have also commited to getting a bigger apartment with my sister. I am currently living with her in a one bedroom apartment and the apartment we are getting is a two bedroom. This is an apartment that my sister would not be able to afford on her own so this was a huge step for me. I have second guessed this decision I couldn't tell you how many times. For me this is a step toward accepting that it is over between me and my husband and I am not handling it real well. I know that he and I can't continue on the path we are on now. It's not a path I even want to be on anymore but I am still having a hard time letting go. I walk around with this tough exterior and appear to be alright but inside I feel like I'm falling apart. I even do this with my therapist. I'm not being honest with her or even with myself. Why can't I just accept that it's over and move on?
Acceptance is not easy to get to. If you have a chance look at Elizabeth Kubler Ross theory of the grieving process. We can vacillate between these phases for a long time before acceptance becomes a part of understanding. Your grieving and you have a right to grieve. I know for me, when I grieve its hard to think about anything else. I toss and turn at night too, recently i have been journaling at night and reading or meditating and it helps to empty those thoughts before I get into bed. I have also found that expending some energy before bed, like stretching, doing some house work, whatever I can to expend a little energy helps me to rest easier. Take your time and be gentle with yourself. You are worth it.
Hugs to you,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
He is not with you, but he is trying to exhibit control over you. So what if you danced with someone, he's nt showing up at all, and he is going to try and run your life. If you have plans with your sister and he is not even around, what is the problem? I agree, study the stages of grief so you understand what you are going through. You aer grieving the end of your marriage. It's never easy. He will make futile attempts to still control you, but he cannot unless you let him. Stand strong in what is best for your future, only you know.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
When my "A" and I split up a few years ago ( we reunited after a year apart). I had a hard time accepting that it was over. I spent 6 months in my own hell because I wouldn't let him go. I wasn't ready to. For me that was the key, I wasn't ready. When I was ready I did it. I realized he didn't want a relationship with me, and I needed to move on.
For me the nights were the worst as well. I got a CD with some nice smooth jazz on it I played that every night as I went to sleep, helped so much.
Keep working the program. Remember "One Day At A Time".
Much Love,
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
I have no more wisdom to add to what has already been said. I do however understand how you are feeling. Everyone grieves at their own pace. It has been 1 1/2 years since my husband left and I am still emotionally uneasy and toss and turn at night. My mind spins over things I have not finished during the day. What I am doing with my life and where I am going. I think I am ok so you must be too!
Tough stuff Julie.... have you tried, or had success with journalling? I found that to be extremely helpful for me to remember the FACTS by writing them down, writing out my feelings at the time, etc.... That way, when he has been gone for awhile, and you start to long for what "once was", you can refer to your own notes, as a reminder of what your reality really is.... Just a thought - it helped me a lot.
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
