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We started this thing where he would get off the system he was on, trying to look for other women and give me a chance to 'prove' that I was worthy of HIM. Well I thought that it would do me no harm to start being more responsive and caring toward him, since I had pulled back considerably over the years. I thought it might do me some good to try to be forgiving and loving and all the things I can be when I'm treated well.
Even though we both now live in separate sides of the duplex we own, we have never really 'split up' - only in locale.
Anyway - he asked his daughter to go with him to a special event that his company has once a year for workers and their spouses. Since of course everyone thinks he is single and he wants it to stay that way, he didn't ask me. He says until he's convinced that I love him and have proven to him that I do - he will not announce publicly (or so to speak) that we are back together - just best friends (which accounts for anyone occasionally seeing us together). I felt that if I needed to prove that I still loved him, that he could make the decision to take me, instead of his daughter. He would not rescind on this, and I told him that I couldn't accept that (was I wrong?). If I am going to play the role of doing his bidding toward trying to get us on a better track, then shouldn't I be able to have some stipulations too? Of course he never thought of it this way - only of himself and how he feels. I don't even have a right to say that perhaps he should quit drinking a bottle of whiskey every night.
No sooner had I let him know that I was mad about this, he went back on the system. He'd given me his passcode, just to try to prove that he wouldn't be looking for women anymore. He also gave it to me with the idea that one of the things I have to agree to is to have a 3-some with him and another woman or couple, and he said we could check together, to find someone interested. I've told him all along that it's not gonna happen, but that is one of the things I would have to do to prove my love for him. Honestly, the whole idea makes me sick, but he did tell me when I met him 11 years ago, that this had always been one of his fantasies, so I did know (I just didn't know that it would come to this point).
I checked the system this morning and he had 4 messages from women. I listened to them, and then listened to his previous message to each of these women. He's not looking for couples, he's looking for anyone. He tells them he's single and owns his own house (the bank owns the house - he spent most of the equity himself). I deleted all of the messages (for which I feel guilty) - my intention is not to alter how his future should go, but to know what is happening behind my back, which is usually always different from what I'm being told. I deleted them because if I'd saved them, he would know I had listened to them, and I know he'd be mad. He gets mad that I'm invading his privacy, and I'm so confused about this, because I know that if he were being truthful to me, I would not have any reason so suspect otherwise. There is no trust here at all. I DON'T TRUST HIM and rightfully so, but is what I'm doing, a betrayal in trust as well? How do you draw the line on when privacy can be invaded? Imagine this though - him telling me how much he loves me every day, and then him going on this system and saying he's single. It does make you do crazy things that you're not proud of!
I've really have HADENUFF and want to finalize everything! I can't separate my feelings or handle him having women next door. I JUST CAN'T. I thought I'd be strong enough, but not only can I NOT trust him to stay involved with him, but I know that he would feel good about being able to rub my nose in all of this. I want him to leave and he won't, and I can't afford to. I can't work the program until he's gone. I just need some time where he's not in the vicinity, so I can have a chance to get myself back. Does anyone think that I should be able to work the program under these circumstances? Do you think that I should give up - let go in love - and work on myself, despite what is happening around me. Do you think I should let go of jealous feelings and just do my own quiet meditation when I'm feeling that way? Should I be able to do this? Is there something so wrong about me that I can't?
There is a part of me who realizes that he's no catch (because of his issues), but he's such a strong person and will attract many people, regardless.
He keeps telling me that he's still single, until HE makes up his mind on how we are going to go, and if I felt any inkling of good in myself, my best medicine would to be to go out looking too, just to get him off my mind. The sad thing is that I have become sickly and overweight during these years of abuse, and I'm no prize anymore and he knows this. I also know that I have to work on myself - BIG TIME - before I would ever think about becoming involved with anyone ever again, so I'm no match to what he's doing. I wouldn't even have the energy, I'm so lethargic.
This whole thing is driving me insane, and I feel so helpless, I can't stand myself right now!
Hello Had enough - You have to prove that you are worthy of having him in your life !!!!!!!!! The arrogance is overwhelming to me . How dare anyone say that to you . He is living a single life while u are still trying to prove that u are good enough ? why ?
Sorry if that sounded a little harsh but it made me sick to read that as I have been where your at (((((((((hugs)))))))))) and it feels awful. Until we truly believe that we deserve better (in our hearts) we continue to allow people to treat us as if we don't count and that we are less than. I hope your going to meetings for yourself f2f , you need support from people who understand and have been where your at. you will find them in our Al-Anon rooms.
Lack of self esteem and self worth continue to rob us of the life we deserve ,not settle for anymore a statement that upset me alot in recovery was "we teach them how to treat us" because we allow unexceptable behavior yr after yr . there is no reason for them to treat us any differently . Until we say "enough". You do count please believe that and take care of you , treat yourself as u would a best friend . good luck Louise
And please do yourself a favor and stop checking to see if he is going to the system , trust me u don't need the pain . Keep the focus on you an your needs .
Just because stress and life has been hard to take and you are sickly and now overweight is not enough to keep people from seeing the prize you are!!!!!! You just have to believe in yourself! I know that is hard to do. I too do not like my body and feel really "old" even though I am only in my early 30's. Honey, if you constantly have to "prove your love" to him, you will never be able to accomplish this to his desire. Like you said he wants things that you just feel you can not do (the threesome thing to be exact--I don't blame you, I couldn't do that either--I think I would end up feeling not good enough for him--which you do feel that way from the sound of things.) It's not a matter of being good enough or loving him enough--love yourself!!!Please!!!!!!!
No one should make you feel so bad! You yourself used the word abuse, you deserve better. I know that sometimes life with someone-anyone seems better than a life alone. But when I get to thinking that way I try to think about all the wonderful things I can do by myself--travel druing the summer, I have picked out my dream home--that I would get to decorate how I want to, not having to answer to anyone but me. Yes you might still get lonely and sad--that's what this place is for, that's what al-anon meetings are for. We are here to help you.
Ultimately this is your decision. You have to decide what you can deal with and can't deal with. I am just so sad for you. I hate to see people mistreated!!! Everyone should feel like they are worth something!!!!
I did not mean to sound mean or rude. I just want you to know that people care about you. You are worthy just as you are!!! Please keep coming back. I hope others here can say some things that will be helpful to you.
My heart goes out to you and the problems you are having. Your post has just about left me speechless. I am certainly no expert about any of this. About all I can say is that if my AW treated me like that I would say to whomever wanted her - she's yours and welcome to her. Would I believe that she would not have the same problems she has now, would act different, would stop drinking just because she was with someone new??? No way!!! An A is an A no matter who they are with. A person who treats another like dirt will treat anyone like dirt. I have nothing but pity for anyone who ends up with a person like that - - they will soon regret it! I wish I could give you some advise as to what to do, but we can't do that here and I'm not sure what that advise would be anyway. I just wish you the very best and hope that ultimately good things will happen for you. Just my 2 cents.
Who is he to make you prove you are good enough! How about him being good enough for you?
He is an alsoholic and he is trying to make you jump through hoops to accomodate him. Why would you do that? I am not judging you, but he seems to have destroyed your self esteem. So you are a little over weight, or even if it is more, that does not make you undesireable. How many other people you can attract does not have anything to do with your worth as a person. The bars are full of lonely people that at the end of a drunken night just want anyone to go home with. So he can have these people come home with him, does notches on a bedpost show anything about a person. Is it any quality in a relationship?
Your looks have nothing to do with anything. You need to regain your self esteem and self respect, you need to start loving yourself, and valueing yourself.
If this man loved you, he would not even consider pressuring you into a 3 some. Sex is suppoosed to be something that both partners are comfortable with. One should not force or blackmail another into participating in an act that is repulsive to one of them.
Stop putting yourslf down, and stop letting him do it. You do have value, you do have worth and you do deserve so much more.
Hmmmmmm. I know for me I have proven myself to my "A", and didn't ahve to do anything like what you are being told to do. In fact he has never asked me to prove it. If he did, I'd tell him I have. By staying faithful, never giving up on him and loving him inspite of this disease for almost 9 years now. If that is not proof enough well, then I don't know what is. His disease has led to lost jobs, lost cars, money being stolen, his "freinds" stealing from us, and him being in jail.
In my opinion the only one you need to prove your worth to is you. You deserve to be with someone who will treat you with respect and dignity. You deserve to be with someone who won't try to force you into a situation that you sre not comfortable in.
You are not alone, you have us.
Much Love,
__________________
"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
you are in the right place. time changes everything. you do what you need to right now to get thru this. i remember listening to the messages left by other women. i think now what tourture it was but at the time i just needed to do it. i felt i had to even if i knew better. there were the times that i drove around the entire city all night looking for him or his car. i don't do these things today. the desire to do these things is gone. time and hp. this program has helped me change myself. believe me after the abuse (physical and mental) the drugs and lies and other women, the years of complete poverty, no one understood why i stayed. i don't even know if i know why i did ( kids, i used to say, for them, their sake) but here in the meetings i found people who didn't question or critisize me. they gave me respect and treated me as a worthy human being.i have been released from my addiction to my a husband. for today. something has changed within me. still in virtual poverty, still have 3 young kids who miss their dad, he is still out there doing who knows what with who know who, but i'm ok. content even happy.really all i did was keep comming. even when i so didn't want to i did. i did it because i wanted help. and i got it. i hope you do too. just keep comming, keep talking and do what you need to.
Hello, Hadenuff, Once in a meeting I remember hearing a woman say: "No one will ever hit me again." I had been in meetings with her before, but I knew when I heard her say it that time, she meant it. I have never forgotten that. The Program gets us to that point. It has gotten me to the point where I can trust myself, trust my feelings, and know when something is a yes or no to ME. What has worked is: going to meetings, finding a sponsor to share the really hard stuff with (like what you have shared here), and working the Steps. I say over and over, the Steps really work miracles. They really do, if you work them. We are here for you, but you have to work the program. Then the stories you tell will be a lot different, Hadenuff. If that isn't true, we'll refund your misery, as we say in the Program. Blessings and Prayers for you. mebjk
