The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, I have his stuff packed up most of it anyway. The locks are changed. I cant deal with the mixed signals anymore. He goes to her house everynight. I kid myself that he is still trying to decide, but who am I kidding. He made the choice. I just have to stand strong and remind myself that a marriage without committement is no marriage at all. I feel so degraded everytime he walks out that door to go see her. It is not healthy for me. I deserve so much better than this. I am just not sure how to take this next immediate step. Do i put his stuff on the doorstep and just let that be all that needs to be said. Do I tell him again, im not his doormat. This is not how this was supppose to work out......Im so sad now... and angry. i feel like Jeckle and hyde. One minute im pissed and want to just tell him to f*ck off. Then the nice me wants to tell him I hope they find the happiness they are looking for.
I hope I find the happiness i am looking for.... Oh god...what if i waffle again and back down then what.... Im so confused. This isnt the way I wanted it to turn out. I pray everyday...I think that this is gods plan...Ive just been pushing it away because it isnt the plan i wanted. What if im wrong...what if i am suppose to wait....
Please god give me the strength...carry me thru this..
I have been where you are but for different reasons. I know that for me, when I was not sure if it was right, that it was not right and the day that it was right, there was no question. So that day did come, I had spent the better part of the last year knowing that it would come. I would reach my bottom and know that the only way that I could begin to recover was without active alcholism in my home. This time was different, it was not an ultimatum, it did not matter if he went into treatment, said sorry, nothing, I needed to do this for me. I needed to figure out what was going on with me and stop worrying (at least not 24/7) about what was going on with him. And the truth of the matter was that I was not strong enough to do that with him home. I realized that I did not want to live the way I was living any longer and told him to leave. I was at peace with my decision and as a result I did not waiver in it. I believe that it was the right thing to do at the time. I also realized that at that point I owed it to myself to take a long hard look at the whole picture, myself included. So, I have spent the last 4 months really learning about Al-anon. I know that without this program, its tools, its people, that it would not matter that I asked my husband to leave because the next person would just gladly fill his spot and I would be right back where I was, with another alcoholic. And why would I want that, at least with the one I have things are predicable. So I guess what I am saying is that when it is the right time, you will know. Your higher power will guide you if you let him.
My prayers are with you, take some time for you and check your motives.
i have read your post 3 times, trying to decide if i had anything to offer you. i even went back to your other posts to try to understand exactly what it is that is going on.
i decided to post because my a had another woman two yrs ago while we were separated for a couple of months. separated because i left him, but he wouldnt move out, so everyday i listened to him on the phone with her, watched him leave to go be with her...all the things you are experiencing. they'd break up, he'd beg me back, then they'd hook up again, and there was no us, then it would happen all over again.
all i have to share with you is that i understand the pain that causes all too well. we did end up back together, but, for me, that pain still stabs me now and then. i just want you to know you are not alone. i really dont have anything else to offer you, just that i completely understand how much it hurts. and i guess, also, that i think he went to her because it was someone new that didnt know all the other painful stuff, so she was able to give him something i couldnt because she hadnt lived with years of disappointments with him (or i should say, with the disease). in the end, she ended up dumping him once and for all. i guess she finally saw through it all.
i dont know if this helps, but i could relate so much to your pain that i just couldnt not reply to you.
good luck to you, and i wish you peace and happiness!
I am so sorry that you are hurting right now. A good ole hug would be part of just the remedy and I wish I were there in person.
Only you can decide what's right for you. If you waffle, you waffle, not the end of the world. Sometimes these new behaviors and ways of living take practice cause we are so accustomed to our old survival skills.
Keep coming and keep posting.
You are absolutely worth it. A triangle is a very tricky place to be in :sad:
yours in recovery,
Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Waffling just means you are not making this decision lightly. I don't see anything wrong with making sure you are doing what is best for you! Take all the time in the world if that's what you need to be sure.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
i have been where you are. i remember the pain so well. and i remember waffeling and how no one understood how i could possibly stay. but i see now that i wasn't ready. it has taken me a long time to be ready and only with the support of this program was i able to stay and then able to leave.it has been difficult but i am at peace with my decision to be done. and the most important part for me is that i haven't left in anger. with resignation and sadness but no hate. i asked in a meeting how i would know and everyone said my hp would make it clear. that's exactly how it came about. you are where you are supposed to be and whatever you have to do to get thru this is the right thing. personally i hit my bottom twice. and twice i used this program to pull myself and my kids out of hell. these people are wise. be gentle with yourself and let us comfort you.
Just want you to know you are not alone (((snt))) After reading your post I asked HP "Please to help me reply to snt with something hopeful to reassure her that everything is going to be allright something *just for today so, thinking of/about you while I read., it was *Todays April 19th~Thought from Hope for Today LOL that I found one line in particular and very shortly *and not word for word it says to the affect ...aligning your principles and behaviour so that you can move joyfully through life.
Perhaps that is what your doing ~ your getting your priorities for your own life in order and beginning to make decisions that will be best for you. This could be a turning point and you need take your time to think it out thoroughly. I pray for your strength and that you find that place inside yourself where you will feel the most peace, with HP/God beside you. Your a wonderful loving person. You deserve what is best for you and I know you will feel it, when its right. HP/God is always near to take those things from you that you are trying to take on by yourself. I pray you are able to let HP in to take some of the anxiety away and let you feel some rest. Your doing great. You will be OK whatever you're decisions. Keep looking forward.
A saying I like very much also comes to mind; Sorrow looks back Worry looks around Faith looks up.
Thinkin' of You this Day. (Today) Let Go and Let God..... the answers will come when they need to. Keep Looking uP! So glad your here
snt, only you can decide what the future will be for you and your A. You know that nothing will change if you remain in the "status quo." You are sad, hurting, angry, and resentful. You must sort out those emotions, and if that means putting his things on the porch, then that's what you must do. But remember boundaries. Once his stuff hits the porch, it cannot come back inside unless some serious changes are accomplished. I don't mean promises here.
Whatever you decide, I wish you well, and send hugs your way.
(((((((((((((((((((snt)))))))))))))))))))
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I want to give you as much support that I can over MIP as I can. I was going to post with my situation when I read yours. My A has not done exactly what yours has but he moved out and does what I call "emotional infidelity". It hurts like hell to be excluded and to see him interact with other people particularly women. The message to me is that they and his addictions are more important than me. Someone here suggested the book "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson. He helps us see our role in being treated like a doormat and what we can do about it. Not necessarily to stay married but to gain our self respect and to get our lives back.
I love the answers you have received. They are so wise and hopeful. I am waiting for me HP to speak to me about what I should do and I know the answer will come to you. You deserve better. My brother (veteran) just said this to me the other day. He said in the military they tell you that if you don't know what action to take, it is better to do something than nothing. Hope this helps.
LOL that I found one line in particular and very shortly *and not word for word it says to the affect ...aligning your principles and behaviour so that you can move joyfully through life. 
loving person. You deserve what is best for you and I know you will feel it, when its right. 
HP/God is always near
to take those things from you that you are trying to take on by yourself. I pray you are able to let HP in 
to take some of the anxiety away and let you feel some rest. 
Your doing great. 
Let Go and Let God..... the answers will come when they need to. Keep Looking uP! So glad your here
Hug)) 