The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm grateful for all the wisdom in the replies to my first post last week. Thank-you. My 23 year old daughter found another half-way house in Florida and begins her second week there. She found work at a restaurant. The mental image of her riding a wobbly bicycle to and from work each day, compared to her former Mustang, is an image I can't get out of my head. She seems to want to keep in close touch with us all, calling daily, sometimes twice a day. She seems to need us more now.
I'm continuing with my reading (Al Anon Works For Families and Friends). Sometimes I step back from my reading, these slogans, the testimonies I hear at meetings, and still am in shock at this strange reality. Maybe it won't seem so strange given time. But even with all the coping skills, the "detachment" I still grieve, grieve, grieve.
I grieve at that which is truly sorrowful to me...the loss of potential that my daughter had and lost because of this affliction. Even though she'll "learn to manage the disease" if all goes well, there really are some doors closed and closing that can never be revisted again...and that's a loss and that's sad. I pass women her age where I work shouldering an unbelievable amount of responsibility for their age. The things they worry about are light years away from the things that Amanda takes care of daily. She came from that other place of responsibility too...but could not stay there for long. A freight train was bearing down her that began rumbling the first time she picked up in high school.
Right now I'm a sponge. I hope some day to be able to give encouragement. Some day soon. So many different perspectives to consider. She should be 100% self-sufficient some say. Paying her own way for everything. No, others say. She still needs you right now. She's in extended recovery at a half-way house. Work yes, but completely self-sufficent? Not yet. Soon, but not yet.
Ah well. I'll take what I like and leave the rest, I guess. Those of you providing wisdom and encouragement, you're doing a great service here. This is a new world, a new language. I'm grateful for a place like this.
I misssed your post last week I think. I had a rough week myself & was unable to log on. I wish you & your daughter well. I am afraid of giving the wrong advice so therefore I will only offer support....and an ear (or shall I say eye) for you to bend.
Let you daughter grow on her own, watch her bloom! It will be good for all of you to let her do it on her own. Love and support her, but let her do the foot work! Keep being a sponge, you can one day use your knowledge to help others.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
Jeff, I too missed your post. Glad you are here, tho. You will gain a lot of insight to your problems, and learn so much. And, that can only help your daughter. You get help for yourself, and you will be able to be there for her. My daughter's name is Amanda, too.
Glad she is keeping in touch with you, that is a good sign, I think, especially with children (adult or not!)
You are right, take what you like and leave the rest. Please join us in the chatroom also! We do lots of venting in there, and it has helped me to blow off steam!
The loss of potential is very sad, but we do not know what other great potential the future holds for your daughter. It could be something beyond your wildest imagination! Something she never even dreamed of. Each day is a gift, I have finally learned (the hard way).
Keep coming back, it works if you work it! ((((((Amanda))))) ((((Jeff)))))))
Jeff, your gentle and poignant post touches the deepest parts of my heart. I am truly sorry for your despairing and grief. Having to watch my child deal with this terrible disease is more heartbreak than I can imagine. Your strength of character shines brightly, and that will help to see you through. My prayers are for your lovely daughter's complete and lasting recovery.
With best wishes and kindest regards, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I pray that your daughter thrives in recovery. It is understandable to grieve, but keep hope that she will be fine and her HP will protect her.
Keep offering her love and support but let her be her own person, let her do the work and feel the accomplishment for herself. Maybe some doors closed but some new ones can open for her and with the help of her HP and a good strong program she can become stronger becasue of it. That wobbly bike might become a badge of honor for her.
She is lucky to have you in her corner. Keep learning and loving, and keep taking care of yourself. let her and her HP battle this disease together.
My oldest son is not in recovery at all yet... may never be. For all the A'isms he displays at times he never ceases to amaze me in what he accomplishes. Refused to go to college, wanted to mount deer heads for a living... <sigh> He just had no ambitions other than partying and hunting.
But he stumbled onto a job working at the school with special needs kids. I never would have picked that for him, but he loves it... and he is good at it! They are now offering to pay his salary and his expenses while he goes to college in education.
He and those children have become a gift to each other.
Someone so gratiously corrected my thinking one day, she said " you are right where you are supposed to be in your recovery... " She was trying to divert me from dwelling too much on a future that has not shown itself as of yet.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
hi Jeff, I sometimes read the AA message board (link is at the top of the page) to provide me with a clue to what goes on - there are also open AA meetings. I am amazed and encouraged by the distance people in recovery progress, and some of the stories in the message board and open meetings shows me the 12 steps work. If your daughter is in recovery, there is hope. I know how awful it is to see doors close. With hope, you'll know more await her. ---Jill
JEFF said: " Grieve, grieve, grieve I grieve at that which is truly sorrowful to me...the loss of potential that my daughter had and lost because of this infliction. "
How I feel I know what is in your heart (maybe not exactly) as I had an Honor Roll daughter that as a single parent, I tryed so hard with all my heart, soul, and spirit, tryed to provide the road for her to have. $3000 kindegarden, prep school for 4 yrs and on to public as my ability to earn was taken away when the family busness fell apart after my dad died. The other family were all A's and the chaois was horrendous and ended in disaster. They drank with her behind my back when she was a teenager and by the time she reached 10th dropped and lost all the potential and chose to live their A lifestyle and became a full blown A like them.
The feelings of helplessness and powerlessness were devastating to me. Nothing I could do to control any of it as I watched her with my A-family promoting it. I felt soul murdered. We dont live in an ideal world , Jeff. There are lots of things that claim to help. Then came too many choices as to what to do with this whirlwind that takes my child away. There is lots of opinions as to what to do and lots of shared stories and on and on. When it boils down to it , I as a parent has to also live with whatever action I took. How to choose ???? God , I said so many prayers. And the pride issues ???? So many feelings about all the messed up expectations and dreams I had for my daughter to suceed . I tryed so hard to give to her and, pooofff, gone in a flash........ I think I can understand your grief and pain , Jeff. I could go on and on , yet I feel it best not for now. This was alot to digest. My heart goes out to you, Jeff.
Today my Adau has 2 kids by 2 A-dads. They terrorize her about support money and call CPS while they continue in their A lifestyle and she fears getting help for the record they might use to hurt her more with. She so desperately needs to seek help as I see it. And again I am helpless and powerless. And the cycle continues.
I have found there are lots of ideal ways to try to deal. I have been in and out of 12 step programs for years. Alot of it still confuses me. And I have a defensiveness problem that causes me to appear in ways that isn't always in my heart to be like, and that I still need help with, among other things. I have been away from my A-family for about 10 yrs and due to Hurricane Katrina I am back in their neck of the woods and have to deal with it again, besides the rest. Unfortunately I slipped away from the program as they slipped away from me . Now in desperation of all, overwelmed, I looked to find the program back again in my life and with the stress of it all, its not at the forefront of my mind, all that I used to get from it. So in my overwelmed state of being, have to try to get with it again and I am really screwing up under all the pressure. Taking care of self, by self, without someone to share with is really hard....and then there is HP, as is called in the program, to be there for me. And its hard to leave out the human part, as those shoulders are more tangible to feel. It can get so mixed up.
So Jeff, when I used to go, I could get high on the growth at some of the face2face(f2f) meetings I used to go to , yet I found living in this world that the groups you find can some times be stuck in the illness, and not going anywhere. No one let me Know what to look for and sometimes I let that hurt my attendance. So I learned that if I find A group that feels uncomfortable, and not growing , I had choices to find other ones. Not being aware can catch you by surprise, and may even have some there that hurt you, as we are at all stages in recovery when you participate in group where there are many people . Everyone is supposed to be equal, yet sometimes you may find it not. So I had to recoup and pick myself up as I found I could still be hurt by recovering people unaware and unintentionally in the throws of pain too. I hope you won't let that discourage you in your jurne to support and recovery. An open mind is a good thing to have on this jurne.
Jeff, I will say some prayers for you and your daughter. Its good to hear that she is making efforts to recover. To me , thats alot of hope, as mine wouldn't and still admits no problem and that its me that caused hers. I'd try to support her as much as you can, and follow whats in your heart and know you are doing the best that you can. I found no magic pills and the road is long, I feel I understand your grief and pain. Take care of yourself . I hope for you it goes well for her and yourself.
HOPE , FAITH , COURAGE , STRENGTH , AND MANY BLESSINGS TO YOU
YOUR SISTER IN RECOVERY
PS I hope I have given you some insite . And I hope I haven't made any mistakes in the way I've gone about it. There is no perfect way. I may return to make corrections as I am under pressure and still want to acknowledge you and welcome you. Maybe we will chat some day.
-- Edited by d53sjurne at 03:46, 2006-04-19
-- Edited by d53sjurne at 03:48, 2006-04-19
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I tell myself when times are rough, "this to shall pass!!!" Ask HP for guidance, if the door is open, and I know how to look, I will become aware! I also visit http://www.inspiringthots.net/ . Blessings , Your sister in Recovery
Thank you for your post. I know that for me, when I "let go," when I detach, there is a process of grieving that follows. So I can relate to the grief you feel for your daughter. I don't have any children, but I have someone very close to me (and many more, in my whole family), whose potential has been lost, decimated by the disease of alcoholism. Sometimes I feel as if I have spent my whole life grieving for them, and for me and my loss of them. It must be even worse to have to see your child struck by this disease. I am very sorry, but I am so very grateful, for you and for all of us, that you have found Alanon. Alanon truly changed my life, and I have been able to grieve and to begin to love the alcoholics in my life again. We really don't know where your daughter's path is taking her. And we don't know where your path is taking you. But somehow, you have found your way here. That is good for you, and trust that it is also good for your beloved daughter. Blessings and prayers, mebjk
I can completely relate to the grief. I felt as thought I was grieving someones death as I realized the depths that this disease was taking my husband. In many ways it was harder than grieving the death of my own father. I went through many of the stages of the grief process, and then one day I realized that I needed to get better. And part of that was giving up the illusion of what I thought life was supposed to be like. Yes, I suppose in a perfect world marriages are 50/50, but who lives in a perfect world. Yes, I suppose that in a perfect marriage, one could support their spouse without having to question whether or not they are enabling. I could go on and on.. but the thing that I realized was that this was my dream, I created it and I had to let it go. I was never going to have it with an alcholic, active or sober. I have not done so completely. I have become aware that it was my dream, my illusion. I can accept this, but only some of the time do I take action on it. Progress, not perfection. I realize today that I cannot change the alcoholic in my life, only the way in which I react to him.
Please keep coming back. There is so much Experience, Strength and Hope here, it is often overwhelming to me.
So very glad that your Higher Power led you to us.
Thank you for the taking the time to respond, all of you. Again, you've given me much to think about, much of it challenging. My HP is God and He has made Himself quite real to me through this. Often, He seems to be doing it through people, people like you. I am praying for your situations as well. The courage I see here is amazing. You all could have said, hell with this, I'm refusing to face it, but you haven't. And that encourges me to keep facing it too. Even thought it's sad, this too shall pass, that's true and there is always unrealized potential in new directions, thanks for pointing that out too. As somebody said, "must keep trudging the road to happy destiny." I do believe it's out there on the other side of this.
((((Jeff)))))))
Jeff
HOPE , FAITH , COURAGE , STRENGTH , AND MANY BLESSINGS TO YOU 
Maybe we will chat some day.