The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This weekend was pretty good. The kids and I got out on Saturday morning. My A was supposed to get up with us and go downtown to the market but he stayed out too late the night before, so we got packed up and went anyway. Took the kids for an Easter egg hunt at the church, they had a blast. Then that night went out with an old friend from college. Sunday the "a" wanted to drive his car to my parents house, its a two hour drive. I have no idea what happened with his mood this day, but everything we did got on his nerves. He pissed and moaned about everything. I honestly believe that a couple of times he was actually trying to provoke me to start yelling and screaming. I tried to maintain my composure but it was hard. My "a" was unreasonable and there was nothing I could say that seemed to bring logic to his anger or the situation. I stayed quiet, I allowed him to vent, but man it was hard to swallow back my anger and defend myself. Normally I would defend myself until all hell would break loose. His anger can be explosive. He screams, cusses, pounds on things. He can be scary. I see that its manipulation and him trying to work power and control over me, but I have learned with the help of this program when to keep my mouth shut. When he's trying to "make me see his point of view" instead of respecting my opinion I just shut up, because I can't "make him see my point of view". He said something during one of our conversations yesterday that really struck a cord with me. It was an intimate issue that challenges my morals and beliefs.
He said, Oh I can see this will come back and bite me in the ass later. I said no, and let it go. I was not sure how to handle the situation. I prayed and meditated on it for a day and realized that I can not compromise my moral beliefs and if AH really feels like this maybe we should rethink marriage. I thought about confronting the issue in our family meeting, but when he called this morning he was in a great mood, so I simply said, "Hey do you have a minute to talk about something". Immediately, he says, "I knew it, i knew you would bring this up again"!! I calmly let him know that I wasn't judging him for his feelings, but he needed to know what my position is on this issue because my position is firm and will not change, not 10 or 20 years from now. I asked him if the feelings he shared yesterday on this issue was important to him in our marriage? He said no, its not an issue for him, he feels its o.k. for some but not for others and he said I'm not asking you to do this, nor will I ask you. I hope he was honest because It will be an issue down the road if he wasn't. I feel better that I stood up for my morals and beliefs, I let him know that compromising this for me, is not an option. He seemed to respect that.
I believe yesterday was more about my A feeling insecure about being around my parents after everything that has gone on with us in the last couple of months. He shared with me that he was uncomfortable and did not feel welcome at their home, but my parents were their same selves and did not treat him any differently. Maybe some of the guilt coming through, he was also completely sober yesterday so all the feelings he likes to anethestize with alcohol and pot were able to come to the surface. I did not try to make it better for him, although I asked if there was anything I could do to help, he said no. So I left it alone. What I have to work on is the expectation that he will talk about how he feels and then allow me to retort back to him how I feel with out him getting uncomfortable. Its like he wants validation for his feelings, but will not give validation back. ( He still feels inferior and inadequate) I guess that will take time for his confidence to build up. My expectations can sometimes still be too high. People think I'm crazy when I say I'm trying to lose expecting anything. They think why wouldn't you expect to get back what you put into your relationship? Well, in a perfect world I would, but life with an "a", I take the sober times and the good moments and enjoy them one at a time.
Blessings to all,
Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I am so glad to hear you were able to look at the good in the day. It was a beautiful weekend down here.
I find that my AW is constantly saying "whatever it takes" to get me to be the bad guy and fight with her lately. When the normal things bounce off, she takes it a bit further. Many of the things she says I "know" she doesn't mean.
I try real hard not to even acknowledge those extreem words used in the heat of battle. If she were to keep bringing it up... well then we will see.
My oldest son did that for a time as well. So in other words.... I want to be like you when I grow up! You are doing great and thanks for sharing that!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Engaging with them when they are on their "tears" truly is pointless and just adds fuel to the fire. I know how difficult it is not to defend ourselves or just try to shed some sanity (as we see it) when they are talking crap.... you did GOOD!!
Thanks for your thoughts Twinmom. Your life sounds so similar to mine. Reading what you wrote here, I am put in mind of watching a war zone on TV - somewhere distant and I'm safe at home watching. I can turn off the TV if I want quiet. Living with active addiction can be too much drama for me. I need to turn off that TV by detaching with love.
I know what you mean about just grateful for a time of sobriety and a good moment. I treasure those, too. I want so much more for us all, for you and for me and for both of our a's. You are inspiring. I will try to live your attitude. ---Jill
I honestly believe that a couple of times he was actually trying to provoke me to start yelling and screaming. I tried to maintain my composure but it was hard. My "a" was unreasonable and there was nothing I could say that seemed to bring logic to his anger or the situation. I stayed quiet, I allowed him to vent, but man it was hard to swallow back my anger and defend myself. Normally I would defend myself until all hell would break loose. His anger can be explosive. He screams, cusses, pounds on things. He can be scary. I see that its manipulation and him trying to work power and control over me, but I have learned with the help of this program when to keep my mouth shut. When he's trying to "make me see his point of view" instead of respecting my opinion I just shut up, because I can't "make him see my point of view". He said something during one of our conversations yesterday that really struck a cord with me. It was an intimate issue that challenges my morals and beliefs. 
( He still feels inferior and inadequate) I guess that will take time for his confidence to build up. My expectations can sometimes still be too high. People think I'm crazy when I say I'm trying to lose expecting anything. They think why wouldn't you expect to get back what you put into your relationship? Well, in a perfect world I would, but life with an "a", I take the sober times and the good moments and enjoy them one at a time. 
