I've been posting a lot lately since my h told me he's leaving.  He filed for separation and plans to leave at the end of may.  His lawyer called me yesterday to see if I wanted to come pick up the papers.  I told her no, she can serve me.  He came home from work and asked why I was making him fork over another $50 to serve me?  So now I have to get the papers myself.  And I know I have 21 days to respond.  In 21 days, it will be my birthday.  What a present.

When he first told me about the separation, he said I could set something up with a counselor but he would hold nothing back.  We've tried counseling before, and they always said we could do small things but it wouldn't really work til he quit using.  He got tired of hearing that and blamed his using on the problems we have.  (Still does, that's why he's leaving, so he says.)  I'm not saying I'm perfect, no one is, but his excuse is that he told me to get a full time job, I work part time now.  I never did.  I still have debt (I do, but it used to be spending money was my way of coping.  When he went out, I went to the mall) but I've gotten better and I'm working on paying it off.  He says he has no money and lots of debt that he can't pay off and he needs me to get a job.  I see it as more money for him to use.  He just paid off our truck in january so that gave him an extra $900 a month and he's still not happy with that.  He told me he got a raise yesterday, not much, but better than nothing.  He's making more money and it's not enough.  Then he brings up the age-old problem that he wanted more kids.  We have 2, I couldn't see myself dealing with more than that by myself which was most of the time anyway.  Even back then, I saw my future and said that 2 was all I could deal with on my own.  I guess I always knew.

Why then is it so hard to deal with this separation?  I think I'm most sad for my daughter.  Her dad is her hero.  She knows what's going on, she's 12, but she always forgives him and acts like nothing happened even when she hasn't seen him while he's away on a 4 day binge.  My son, 15, is wiser.  He doesn't see him like she does.  He too forgives, but he doesn't forget.  I guess I'm sad too because of what we could have had.  Don't know what the future will be like but I just go day by day.  Always lived my life like that since I had an alcoholic/abusive father.  Just see so many similarities between my dad and my h, it's scary.  My h isn't physically abusive, but can be mentally abusive.  Why was that so hard for me to write? 

I've rambled on, thanks for listening.  I value all the advice I read here and try to apply it to my life.  At least it gives me some direction and I know I'm not alone.