"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

unsure24 · Member

unsure

megan · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Tonia and welcome to Miracles in progress and your recovery from l;iving with an alcoholic.

I have lived with the same type of behaviour you described and it sure is tough

Was your husband in AA? Did he have a sponsor? Maybe give the sponsor a call and say come get him and bring him to AA.

That is about all I can suggest about your husbands drinking.

But for you. Alanon teaches us to take care of yourself whether the alcoholic is drinking or not.

We have a chat room here with meetings at 9am and 9pm.

A good idea is to find a local alanon face to face meeting to get to.

Welcome to YOUR recovery, life CAN get better

Megan

unsure24 · Member

Megan,

Thank you so much for replying it means so much that i have found this site and know that there is someone to "talk" to. I have looked for local Al Anon meetings and unfortunately the nearest one is an hour away. I have found a group called celebrate recovery at a church that is about a half an hour from here and i am going to go tonight. My mom is meeting me there because i dont want to go alone.

No my husband never went to AA his family stopped his drinking by keeping him at home and not allowing him to go anywhere until he had been sober for a couple of weeks. It worked for a time but now he is at it again and worse than ever. His family doesnt even want to deal with him anymore.

Right now he refuses to admit his drinking is a problem but i have become so depressed that i cry all the time and somedays i dont even want to face my dogs let alone another person. I dont even know how to talk to him anymore...let me rephrase...i dont know how to talk to him about his drinking without causing a fight. I know i can come on a bit strong and i have a temper too which even though im usually good about keeping it in check lately with him i havent been able too. I hate how im reacting to this. I feel like im going out of control.

I have made an appointment with a counselor but im not sure thats even where i should be going. Maybe i should i just dont know but at this point i have to try something.

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome, I am saddened by where you have found yourself.

Face to face meetings are extremely helpful. If you don't see it listed in your phone book, you can always call AA and they can direct you.

This site, however, is a great place. It is what got me to where I am today many years later.

Yes A's lose control of bowel and bladder. It is awful I know. I ended up having my own bedroom.

We cannot make them quit or go to AA or anything. It is totally up to them.

What we can do is take care of ourselves and not pay attention to them. When they cuss and get abusive, we can ignore and leave the room.

Talking back, crying, yelling, throwing things do not work. The active A loves it becuz now you look as bad as he does.

When we learn to love the person inside the A, and know the bad part is the disease, we can be much happier. We have to put up boundaries, and consequences.

It is very difficult if not impossible to live with an A, especially an active A. If you are both in a program of recovery, you have a much better chance. The truths of alcoholism are hard to accept. Relapse is part of recovery, using drugs is only a symtom of the disease, just stopping to use is not much help, it can make it worse.

A's are very selfish, they put their drug of choice first when they use. And when they are on a program, number one is their sobriety and program. If they are on a strong program they go to several meetings a week.

It does not get better, it gets worse. As the A cont. to use, more and more damage is done on and in their bodies. There are books about the progression of the disease.

"Getting Them Sober" is an excellent book to help you. What we learn to do in alanon is to look at ourselves and build our own lives. It is very hard to accept, but we cannot have the usual marriage.

I put everything in my name, as the A has a tendancy to lose everything and will take you down with them. I mean the house, vehicles, everything. I paid all the bills, never trusted him with anything.

They lose their license, they still drive, get dui's, lose their jobs, get in accidents,stop eating, gripe about not feeling good say they have the flu.....

We can never be sicK, or sad. We are usualy an afterthought if that. The disease strives to suck up everything it needs and wants.

Come here and share anytime. It sure helps me to have this spot where people understand.

We know most of us, if we tell our families or other loved ones, they won't understand why we still love them. Of course we do, they are sick with a horrible disease. They would never choose to be like this.

keep coming back, love debilyn

hudsond · ~*Service Worker*~

(((UNSURE)))

I am so sorry to hear about your hard times! I would suggest reading the "Getting Them Sober" books by Toby Rice Drews or Toby Drews Rice (a great recommendation when one can't remember exactly how the name goes--huh?!) I have found her books to be helpful--not that we try to change the alcoholic, but how we respond to him/her.

I have heard good things about the Celebrate Recovery Program. I haven't ever been to any sessions myself, but I hope you find it comforting and encouraging to you. My husband is an alcoholic/addict. He doesn't drink anymore--well he hadn't for about 5 months, then he picked up a bottle a couple of weeks ago. He does however still use on a rather frequent basis. I can drive myself sick/crazy thinking and worrying about it all. I try like all the others here to take it one day at a time. The more you hang around this room and AL-ANON the brighter things get.

This is not an easy or fun road. We never know where we will end up from day to day. But please know there are others out here who care for you and will be there for you. Right now just try to find out everything that you can about alcoholism and taking care of yourself through it all!!!

I am praying for you.

Dawn

mebjk · Senior Member

Hello, Tonia,
We are so glad you are here! And thank God you are going to a meeting tonight. I have been in Alanon for about 20 years, and it has changed my life. I have lived with the problem of loving alcoholics since I was a child. I continue to have alcoholics in my life who I love.
We don't give advice here, but we do share our experience, strength and hope. The things people have posted are excellent. I have found really good materials at the meetings I go to. They've helped me understand myself and the alcoholic better. The best thing I've learned in Alanon, though, is to take care of myself. I didn't know how to do that before I came to the Program. Going to face to face meetings, getting a sponsor, and starting to work the 12 steps saved my life.

I have also gone for therapy over a long period of time. Make sure your therapist is someone who has experience with addiction. You can ask the therapist about that directly.

It is a gift that you have discovered Alanon so early in your life. Keep coming back, it works!
You are in my prayers, as is your husband.
Blessings,
mebjk

nycbt · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP. You are not alone. There a lot of people who understand.

World Service Organization Website –

WWW.al-anon.alateen.org

Phone number is 1-888-425-2666

Alanon meetings 800-351-9996

Alanon literature Worldwide 888-425-2666

Alanon meeting info. 800-433-7266 AA info.

Chat room is open 24/7 there here the link to www.mipchat.net or http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

Here are some things that have helped me since in the program.

Go face to face meeting & online meeting.

post on the board here on the site. I have gotten a lot of good feed back.

· Set support system. people do not judge.You need someone who can go for coffee on a bad day, or pick up a phone and call when in trouble. The support is what is important when you first this program.

Have a sponsor. Someone work one on one with you.

You don’t have to do this the minute u come to the program but I suggest that u do it when u can. It help.

Meeting schedule: meetings are in here and run approximately 90 minutes from: Monday-Friday, 9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10 am and 9 pm EST, Sunday: 10 am and 7 pm EST. Topics are selected by participants at meeting time. UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.

Jill · ~*Service Worker*~

hi Tonia, I learned I no longer need to talk to my husband about his drinking. Is there any chance right today yours doesn't know your opinion of his drinking? If he knows, then nothing will be accomplished by you repeating it. Personally, I find it boring for my husband to tell me again and again something he "has to tell me" repeatedly. For us, it's not his lack of knowing what I think about his drinking that keeps him an active alcoholic. That has nothing to do with what's going on with him.

Learning the "3C's" (I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it) was liberating for me when I was a newcomer to AlAnon. It's not my fault!! then the realization - I can't fix him. hmmm My job is to live a full, happy life regardless of someone else's behavior. That's a tough task.

I hope to see you here and in our online meetings. ---Jill

unsure24 · Member

I went to celebrate recovery tonight i wasnt very sure of myself when i went in but my mom went with me and that was a big help. Everyone was nice and even though i wasnt comfortable talking to anyone there yet it made me feel like i wasnt so alone. All the replies that people have sent here have made me feel better than i have in months. I finally feel like there are people who understand and who wont look at me funny or think badly of me.

My husband had been drinking tonight but he wasnt drunk when i got home so i guess today has been one of the good days. I had left him yet another letter before i left and maybe that had something to do with the fact that he wasnt passed out drunk on the couch.

I am going to go to the monday night celebrate recovery meetings and i am going to be seeing a counselor/psychologist starting wed. morning.

Thank you all for your encouragement and yes i am going to try to make it to some of the meetings here.

Hopefully this is the beginning of better times.

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Tonia... first of all, welcome to MIP...

Second, this is really tough stuff to handle on your own, without a program of recovery - for YOU! If you are really not ready for f2f meetings yet, then I would encourage you to read and learn about what you are facing.... One of the best books on the market, for those living with active alcoholics, is entitled "Getting Them Sober", volume one, by Toby Rice Drews. In that book, you will find so much wisdom and knowledge, and I believe it will help you figure out what YOU need to do, in order to keep your sanity here.

Alcoholism is too much for most of us to handle, without the love and support of friends and programs of recovery.

Take care

Tom

unsure24 · Member

Well i saw the psychologist/counselor for the first time yesterday. It was easier than i expected and she gave me a list of AA meetings and other support groups in the area. Talking to her really helped.

He worked 14 hrs today...sober!!!yay!!! unfortunately he came home and the first thing he did was open a beer... he didnt even say hi to the dogs or me. He then proceded to drink and then pass out on the couch. I miss my husband so much...kind of sad that i miss him so much and hes right here in the house. Miss having him next to me at night too. :(

May sound mean and crazy...i almost wish something would happen to make him understand how detrimental to his health the drinking is. I feel like such a beast for even thinking that. But nothing else works. I feel like im going crazy.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"