The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I haven't been around for a while, but Christmas seems like a good time to share some of my progress with you.
Its been nearly 5 months since I smoked my last cigarette (!!!) and that's also thanks to Al-Anon and, more specifically, steps 1-3 and a HP, and lost of support from fellow quitters. I've also begun to go to yoga once a week and I'm eating more healthily. My social anxiety has way way lessened and overall I feel pretty well most of the time. I'm still doing the steps with my sponsor (I'm on step 9) and that has been the main thing that has been helping me go from the sub-human inner state to the more or less OK state I'm in now.
There's vast, if not infinite, room for more spiritual growth, but at least I'm not living in my old hell anymore. There was a moment some months ago where I - although I don't know where the words came from and I think it was really my HP speaking - said to myself: "Welcome to the human race", because I felt that I've finally gotten to feeling human again, more or less comfortable being in my own skin, too.
All round, I'm very, very grateful for this program, and my life - inside and outside - seems to be getting better all the time, despite some painful times. I'm trying to learn something from the hard times instead of just hosting my usual lonely pity party, but I don't always succeed. At least I'm learning more than 0% of the time which was my normal for years, LOL. Also, I've got some sense of humor back too, which is great!!!
The biggest weakness of mine, or whatever one might call it, is something that's cropping up in my daily life all the time in different forms, and its my need for approval and love from others / fear of rejection and failure - these two seem like just different sides to the same thing, and there are also some other aspects of this. As long as I prioritize other people liking me over doing what I feel is best for me, I'm not gonna be truly happy, joyous and free, and also I'm not being authentic... Well, this is a huge topic for me. The progress I've made, in large part thanks to steps 6 and 7, is that I'm mostly not punishing myself internally anymore for being the way I am at this moment. There's some acceptance.
I'm becoming a great believer in Al-Anon and 12 step programs in general the more time goes by and I see what this program does in my life, as well as some of what I see what it does in the lives of others. Whatever happens, I'm more at ease because I can cling to this program - which is very different from how I used to feel when it seemed there was nothing and no-one I could really trust.
I've begun to have some real trust in Al-Anon and in my HP... a bit... This feels good, I feel safer inside. Because initially in this program I just hung on to a desperate hope of getting help, and now I have solid evidence in my personal life of that hope being very real.
I wish you all great holidays! Thank you for being a part of my journey of recovery....... :)
Aline - What a wonderful post to wake up to!! It is good to hear that you are now comfortable in your own skin. Keep it up! You sound wonderful!
Peace,
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
ALINE!! I agree with P&P in her response and I am so very happy you are realizing the results of your working it!! Marvelous and it brings back memories of how it also worked for me. You're working it and working it well and coming here and passing it on is great.
We, I believe, are made to love and be loved so take what you like and leave the rest. Keep loving I have learned is what the program is largely about..loving self and others and passing that on. I believe the name of Higher Power for many is LOVE soooo go love.
I am grateful for you post and we didn't have to untie ribbons or throw away wrapping paper...YAY!! (((((HUGS)))))
(((Aline))) - great to see you and way to go on the cigs!!! Love your honesty and your update and also am grateful you're a part of my journey...Your post reminds me of what we hear and say often - progress, not perfection! Keep doing what you're doing - it's working...(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
