The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My name is De, I am 45, in a 14 year relationship with my best friend. I am relativley new to AlAnon, Maybe a month.
I should be in bed asleep but I am so angry at my alcoholic. Her idea of a beer is a 24oz beer. I say it is 2, well it is usually 3 a nite or 6 in my book. She can not go beyond one month sober. She may be without a day at the most. I am not afraid. She is not violent. But, I am being blamed or accused of stuff I have done or not done. ( This is pusing buttons with me) If I don't jump when she asks for help. She will do it herself because I did not drop & run. She is OCD, which is making me mad/ insane. When she is say she does everything & I do nothing. We are both disabled & unable to work since approx 95. We live on $734 a month SSD which she gets. SS is another long story for me. I am still hoping maybe one day.
I have tried very hard since AlAnon to be patient, be kind, compassionate, & understanding. I try to say something nice, compliment or say Thank you if she does do something. I have quit nagging about how much is consumed. I just don't look. I have quit trying to change her. My nerves are shot. I hate being a capitive audieence. She can not shut up when drinking. 5 hours non stop tonite.
I can not personally stand the smell, the mood change, the insecurity etc. I am so angry every time I heard a beer pop open. I set myself the boundary of no longer speaking to her when she has been drinking. It ends up in an arguement. She thinks alcohol is a truth serum. It helps her express her true feelings.
I drank from the time I was 16, not including the occasional taste of beer my father gave me growing up. I would pass out & sleep when I had too much. I did every kind of drug prior to the invention of crack and meth.free basing was just starting. I started with drugs at 14, I quit drugs when I was 28. I gave up alcohol a year ago in march 2005. I was able to give it up. An inner voice told me too give up the drugs.I was worth more. I moved away & something horrible happened with my drug buddies. One shot & killed another in the party apt. I could have been there. I was able to get sober without AA. I see two counslors once or twice a month.
I am struggling with learning to forgive. I agree "who am I not to forgive?" But I am having trouble "getting it." I am so angry, how do I let go of the anger? If I do accomplish that & can forgive then am I not the only one compromising? I know I can only be responsible for myself. But she is in denial, she talks to no one about her drinking. she thinks therer is no problem. She was swaying & said "I quit blacking out". ( NO SHE DID NOT) She is like sleep walking. usually the whole house is woken up. Just us two humans and a bunch of animals.
I remember I did tell my first X " how can you take care of me , you can not even take care of yourself?" We broke up. I heard he died at 42 diabetes related, & never moved away from home, or gave up partying.
I am so sorry if i rambled on, it is hard to stay focused when you are angry.
I would appreciate any advice. I have been told to move. this is my house too. I have more invested.We have one check , one vehicle, & a bunch of animals to tend to. I try to keep my mouth shut to avoid an arguement. I am tired of walking on eggshells.
Its a struggle to live with someone who is an active A, a daily one. It takes a lot of time to "undo" or change the behavioral responses to their behavior, as we have gone so long doing them, and thinking there was nothing wrong with us. I really encourage you to keep going to meetings, get a sponsor and read the literature. This program is by no means pretty, easy or quick, but it does work if you work it. You deserve to be treated as a human being, with respect. And while it may seem that you would not find resepect from an A, it can happen. If you really need someone live to chat with, please stop by the meeting/chat room.
Living with and in this crazy world of addiction is insane. There is no easy answers to any of it.
Trying to focus on yourself and and what you need may help. I am also quit new to al-anon. For me I still slip back in the old frame of mind when hub relaspes. The good news is it only last for a minute.
Welcome to our wonderful web-site. You can gain much knowlege here, please make a meeting as it will help you as it has helped me. 9:00am and 9:00pm est.
Anger is just a painful part of this awful world of addiction we all live in. I can only tell you to breathe, just take a deep breath and breathe.
Welcome to this group. I can definitely relate to many of your issues, poverty, helplessness, trying to hold it together, denial, health issues and much much more. I have been in this group for 3 months now and can honestly say this place is a lifesaver. Try to come to meetings once or twice a day on mirc. They will give you a lot of insight into how to detach and let go of the obsession with the alcoholic's behavior. I can say that living with an active alcoholic is indeed difficult but it is possible with a program. And it is possible to have a life of your own no matter how much chaos and disarray an A causes.
I know I have been told over and over quite simply to leave the A and leaving seems to me to involve huge losses. I think coming to al-anon has helped me to see that I need to make better choices for myself and create better options that I can live with. I do not know where you live but there are also many options for counselling in a community setting as well as options for researching what benefits are available for you. Financial issues are a big concern for many of us here. I know that these too are workable within this program and other programs (debtors anonymous is very helpful).
There are parts to your share that all of us can relate to. I relate to the awful crack of a beer can. I can hear it a mile away. I too am disabled and know the frustrations of the system. Please don't feel like you are rambling, unburdening yourself is so important and each part of your share will relate to someone in our group.
Please keep coming back, join us in chat and meetings by clicking link in upper left hand corner.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
Thanks for your reply, something you said made me laugh
"And it is possible to have a life of your own no matter how much chaos and disarray an A causes."
The reason is that my A always says how she hates & dispises choas & disarray. I swear she has become OCD lately. " I am a neat person & all this clutter is yours. lol I was saving a cup from taco bell so I could play the contest on the cup. I brought the cup into the house last nite. I stuck in something of mine so when I got online I could look it up. Well, I finally got time to get online & wa la the cup was gone. I asked her where it was. She had thrown it in the garbage already.
I live in mid south Ga. A few years ago, I found a program that covers all my medical needs except the kidney DR. It is an indigent care trust program. My meds are $5.00 each for now. That program is soon to end. I see one counselor for $5.00 a visit once a month. It is a united way program. He will do phone sessions too that helps since gas is ridiculous.
(Financial situation ) We got an answering machine & caller id. none of my friends have 1-800 number. lol As for debt consoladation, we did try that once, we do not have enough income for them to get involved. I think the debt comes off our credit reports in 07 or 08 , 2010 at the lastest. They can not get blood from a turnip till then. Funny thing we can not pay our debts but there is always money to buy beer. priorities, I guess. lol
My HP has a wicked sense of humor. I started sitting with a man about 25 hours a week. He has congestive heart failure & maybe 6 months to live. He is in his 70's & drank a big bottle of booze a a day almost his entire life. 3 months now,he has been forced to be sober by family no one supplies him. Some days are good & some are bad. I think he has flashbacks. He can be mean & violent & nasty.
I know God does not punish. I guess I really have a lesson to learn this time around. Gee, Can anyone tell me why I have been having frequent headaches? I just do not know. hmmm
Thanks for your response. This last week has been rough. Migraine city for sure. My A talked to my Dr about why I am having frequent headaches. I see a neurologist soon.
She has an epidural today. She has degenrative disk head to toe. I asked if she took tylenol 3 or motrin 800 or anything like that. she has complained that she is sore. well liquid pain killer as usual, of course. I am not as tense tonight as i have been. still have headache though.
I sent a link to a person I met in another al anon chat room. I look forward to talking to you sometime
