Reading posts recently about whether or not our actions are enabling - reminded me of an old post of mine, with some awesome reminders from one of the leaders in the field - Toby Rice Drews (author of the Getting Them Sober series of books).  She has an awesome, gentle, supportive way of saying so much - I hope this can help.....

I don't like "labels", for us, or others, as it tends to lump too many people/personalities/circumstances as one....  Two of the really common ones that we see on this board, mostly calling ourselves, are "enablers" and/or "codependents".  I copied the below note, with permission, from Toby Rice Drews - regarding the dangers and potential negativity that comes with the label of "enablers".  Hope this is helpful.  I prefer to think of things in the vein of: "I did the best I could, with what I knew at the time."

Take care
Tom





"Myth #6: When parents are told they are enablers, it leads them to stop the enabling."

Enabling is meant to describe the res­cue opera­tions that the spouse or parent of an alcoholic carries out, when he cant stand watching the alcoholic suffer the con­se­quences of the disease. When that hap­pens, he cleans up the alcoholics messes (lies to the school that his son has the flu when the child was actually picked up for drunk driving). That way, the alco­holic doesnt suffer the real conse­quences of his behavior.

A parent must learn, eventually, to get some detach­ment on watching these crises happen in order to stop cleaning up after the child. The idea is to allow the disease to hurt the child so much that he or she wants to get sober. Of course, it takes a parent a lot of time in a healing group such as Al-Anon in order to be able to do this. And this detach­ment cant be forced or rushed by counselors. It is a slow process, and very frightening.

When a mother rescues her alcoholic child and I label her an enabler, she ob­viously is still doing the rescuing behav­iors and is not yet unafraid enough to give them up. She knows I am being judg­mental when I use this term. Even when I say it lovingly, I seem to be admonishing her to go faster than she is capable of doing at that time. And she feels des­pairing, because she is doing her best. She may get so discouraged and frustrated and overwhelmed that she stops treatment.

More specifically, the term enabler implies that while the parents did not cause the drinking, their rescue operations con­tributed to the perpetuation of the drinking. Such thinking is dangerous; it leads alco­holics, who are already looking for a way to blame others for the drinking, into again placing responsibility for the drink­ing on the family.

Alcoholics do not need any encourage­ment to blame others! Alcoholism coun­selors spend most of their time trying to crack through the blame-systems of alco­holics. It is considered to be a major break­through in the wellness process of alcoholics when they begin to acknowl­edge that nothing got them drunk. In contrast, alcoholics who have had relapses and are re-entering treatment are now often heard saying, I wouldnt have gone out that time if I hadnt been enabled!

The alternative to being labeled enablers is to teach you to end the rescue operations through the simple but effec­tive process of detach­ment. For, de­tach­ment will help end your fears and it is your fears that origi­nally caused you to rescue. And even though, in this book, we are pri­mar­ily talking about par­ents and kids, the detachment process is espe­cially important if you also are married to an alcoholic. It is important for you to lose your fears of that adult alcoholic so you can get on with your life and become more able to deal with your children-alcoholics.