"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

A nother · Veteran Member

Did I enable him?

a4l · ~*Service Worker*~

In my experience, they are going to do what they are going to do regardless of what anyone says or doesn't say. Of course there will never be any admission of this. Try not to beat yourself up about it. Just observe and keep coming back.

Maresie · Senior Member

Nope and you.dont need to beat up on yourself

Jill · ~*Service Worker*~

I used to wonder that, too. Did I use the wrong words? Did I pick the wrong time to "explain"?

Gradually I came to realize the more accurate mental picture was me earnestly describing reality to a brick wall.

That helped me to accept reality. The wall's job is not to obey me or behave as I want it to.

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

While I don't know that I would refer to this as enabling -- in the traditional sense of the word as used in alanon -- I do think that communication with the alcoholic is important. We have and use boundaries, detachment, there is mindset and methodology behind the slogans, and more -- and while I always had compassion for the disease aspect of alcoholism, was there for my wife in a healthy and supportive way -- I would never support or accept the drinking. I didn't talk to my wife about her drinking, but after having the discussion, setting and enforcing my boundaries, etc. -- she knew or had to at least be willing to bear the consequences of my actions and behavior. Of course -- even though all of that was clear and established -- she still got angry and hostile when I did what I had previously said I was going to do. I wouldn't be neutral about her drinking. I wouldn't accept it -- meaning I wouldn't be present for it, I wouldn't engage with her when she was drinking, and I wouldn't participate, meaning I wouldn't buy it, bring it home for her, get it for her, etc.

If I was in my boundary so to speak -- the silence was the action, my action, that I would take. I honored it. I for one wasn't going to violate my own boundary and engage with her, just to communicate for communication sake. Whenever I showed any empathy or understanding simply about her drinking -- it was received as an "implied" approval. That was not a statement I wanted to make or was going to make. Period. But that's just me. Sure, we all know the 3 C's. We all know the alcoholic is going to drink, no matter what. But I am not going to remotely refer to it in an "empathy" type implied way, or "understanding" type of way. But again, that's just me. I wouldn't want anything I said or did interpreted in any way, shape, or form, as the drinking, more drinking, etc., being OK. She's going to do it anyway, but I am not giving anything remotely perceived as me being OK with it.

If you feel good about the way you handled it, that's all that counts. I think this is a perfect topic to discuss with your sponsor. He/she would know you, your situation, and everything about the bigger picture.

2HP · Senior Member

I am reminded of Al-anon's suggestion to educate ourselves on the disease of alcoholism. Some of that wisdom has been brilliantly brought here in this thread.

For this reason, my sponsor gifted me with a Big Book when she agreed to be my sponsor. I highly recommend it.

Your post also reminds me of the eggshells I walked on for years because alcoholism blames everything for the drinking, it avoids self-responsibility. This confused me for many years but the fog began to clear when I tried to understand the disease....

His persistent denial motivated me to use my newfound education to "enlighten" him, lol! Indeed, in my heart, I still wanted what I wanted. I wanted him to wake up, I wanted our family to be well.

Alas, I learned to keep my seat in Al-anon warm... keep learning about my own behaviors that contribute to insanity. My own recovery needed some "enabling"

I applaud your willingness to observe yourself, what a miracle (((hugs)))

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

I really enjoyed this thread, and fount it interesting hearing others' perspectives.

With my new knowledge, education, and recovery...early on...sure, I wanted to say something and thought I could "enlighten" my wife...but I didn't!

Later on -- I had no such desire!!! And I felt good about it. I was proud of it. I keep my head where my feet are.

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

It has been my observation that a green light will be taken even when none were present. The more I work Alanon, the greater my clarity. So glad you have this positive experience too.

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

One of the coolest things I learned in this program is that "No" is a complete sentence.

So in answer to your question of: "Did I enable him?". The simple and complete answer is "No".

Take care

Tom

serenity47 · ~*Service Worker*~

Love Tom's answer. Keep it simple. I often would go into long drawn out explanations when a simple NO would suffice. Thanks for the reminder Tom.

Carla61 · Member

Called my husband out on it 2 weeks ago after he has been to rehab twice. He drank today while I was at work. Came home to him passed out. Not sure what to say when he wakes up. Treat him like I dont know he did it, do not communicate with him at all? Last time I called him out on it he cried and said why do I do this I'm so sorry aka pity party. Not sure what to do tonite.

mamalioness · ~*Service Worker*~

My vote is no! You did not in able him and I hope you see this and dont beat yourself up over it

Alcoholics are going to do what they want to do no matter what you say or do or think or whatever. If a leaf falls off the tree in the wrong way they will find an excuse to drink. If its not that its a sporting event, or its Sunday and its raining. They are very creative when it comes to bargaining and coming up with ways to drink. Remember you did not cause this, you will never control it, and you for sure will never cure it. In Support

Carla61 · Member

Mama, thank you! I'm trying.

mamalioness · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Carla: You hang in there!!! Sharing here was a good thing you did for yourself...Nothing like some support and TLC and cyber hugs from mates who have "been there--done that" The fact that you came here and shared openly about it shows me that you are trying.......Hugs of support

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

I think there is a distinct difference between -- enabling and causing. First, we can all agree, the alcoholic is going to drink no matter what we do. Period. That's what they do. Unless they are in recovery, alcoholics drink. OK, an alcoholic who is dry doesn't but that's only a snapshot in time. Let's forget about that. So, alcoholics drink. There is nothing we can do about that. From a "control" perspective -- we cannot control the alcoholic, or their drinking. We can't control their behavior. It doesn't matter if they have one, or countless. This is about control. Purely control.

That said, second, enabling -- whether we enable or not, the alcoholic will drink. Remember, and many people forget this -- newcomers/beginners and seasoned people alike -- enabling has nothing to do with the alcoholic...IT HAS TO DO WITH US. Yes, you enable another person, the alcoholic, but it is US doing something to, hurting, US. The alanon program is a program of US. It is where he keep the focus on US. This is not AA, NA, OA, or any 12-step program that ends in A. This is the program where we focus on US. So, enabling hurts US. Sure, it has consequences and ramifications to the alcoholic, probably all positive things in their mind, all things they would want us to do for them. But that is not the issue.

Lastly, independent of both these items -- we did not cause the alcoholic to drink. Period. If that needs to be discussed, someone should start a thread about it. The three C's are of vital importance and significance in the alanon program. However, here, this is we didn't cause it.

So, look at these three things independently. Even though we didn't cause it, and we can't control it...does that mean we don't or can't enable? V-8 moment!!!

I didn't cause nor could I control. My wife was going to do whatever she wanted, no matter what and it didn't matter what I said or did...she was drinking anyway. However, again, as I said and this is just me...even though everything in the previous sentence is true...I would never do anything remotely, that from a thousand miles away would look or sound like, or even give the slightest whiff...that I was "OK" or indifferent or that I agreed or understood that she had to drink, couldn't stop, etc. That's just me.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"