serenity47, Bo, bud and mamalioness - thankyou all so much for your responses.  It is so heartwarming and supportive for me - so thank you.

I am seeing my sponsor on Sunday, but this has given me just what I need to start thinking deeper about it all in readiness for that meeting.

I accept that I did the best I could with the dinner situation last night and as you say, there are many more dinners to come!  I like the sound of your ESHs and would like to try detaching some more today.  I don't need to verbally bring it up again - it will achieve nothing for my own serenity and I have a gut feeling that my reason to bring it up again may well be due to a hidden desire to elicit a change in him, which I know is the wrong approach.

The bigger question is around the ongoing unacceptable behaviours. Again I need to question my own motives.  In the 'longer term' I know that I don't want to live my life based on detachment and boundaries.  I think I have allowed myself to be seduced by AHs first attempt at sobriety, which when  it worked for awhile was good.  Logically I understand that this disease is progressive and it is my own distorted thinking to hope / expect that he will seek sobriety.  Bo - I read your response to someone else on a different thread and it is true for me - I accept things at a logical level, but I need to work on the more innate and visceral acceptance and surrender of 'control'.  I guess it's back to step 1 for me!

I am in the meantime looking after myself and achieving emotional and financial freedom, so that I feel better placed to increase my choices beyond detach and boundaries in the moment.

Once again - thank you all for your support.

I think you handled it perfectly to be honest. You showed your kids an excellent example of not accepting unacceptable behaviour and your kids can take this message on in life, what a gift you gave them.

Him, he showed your children sick childish alcoholic behaviour another example that again unfortunately kids do take forward in life and replicate. Thats whats happening with my son right now. Hes 25 and is my ex ah. Life has simply repeated itself first my ex husband and now my son. 

As for trying to talk to him, I get that but never ever did it make a difference for me because he was drinking and his mind heart and soul were all about that. It is a bit like living with a sick person who is literally a liability. Like a dangerous person capable of dangerous behaviours like emotionally damaging children or drink driving or spending a whole families finances etc. Thats not to say we cant emotionally damage our children, I did because I too was a sick thinker so the poor souls got a drunk father and a guilt ridden paranoid obsessive controlling Mother. 

I cant live that life any longer and in fact I can barely be around an active alcoholic, drunk or sober for longer than a couple of hours. I just cant listen to the point of view for long, the self pity or anger or whatever else, in fact even the upbeat moods aren't that pleasant because for one, its short term, its based on alcohol levels of some sort or other. The connection we want  is just not there and so its not a relationship to me. I truly believe an active alcoholic just cannot be a Father, husband, employee, son. They just cant do it and its painful watching them even try.

You are very welcome BT...it's hard to look at these things. We are usually talking about a loved one -- so that makes it hard. The loved one is often "in trouble" or "in need" and that too makes it hard as well. 

Especially for the newcomer/beginner, alanon can offer some difficult tools, concepts, etc. As I said, when I was a newcomer/beginner, I struggles with the "how important is it" vs. "unacceptable behavior. It was a debate, often a battle between the two. I was in denial, so I often accepted unacceptable behavior and concinved myself "it was nothing" or "it was no big deal" or "it was OK" under the guise of "how important is it" -- and I've seen that with a lot with people in alanon. That said, knowing it and doing something about it are two different things. I hear you about the self-esteem aspect and slowly accepting more and more unacceptable behaviour as being ok. It's sad, but it becomes the norm. I am so glad you are now getting healthy -- healthier -- and working your program, implementing boundaries, etc. Remember, with boundaries -- they are not designed to "prevent" or "stop" the alcoholic from doing something that is unacceptable. It's there for you to take action -- to change you -- not him.

For me, the houseguest thing -- I went the opposite. I felt a spouse should live to and live at a higher standard. I did. So, for me, it was what I would accept from my wife, regardless of her illness. I do remember her once pointing her finger in my face and slapping me (I wasn't exactly looking, or else I would have ducked, LOL) -- and I remember reacting and saying "I don't accept that behavior from anyone, and I am certainly not going to accept it from you." -- and I left the house for the night. I racked up a lot of Marriott points, LOL, as there is a Courtyard Marriott less than 10 minutes from my house, LOL. I even had a regular room there, LOL.

As you said, it is very hard when kids witness, are exposed to, become the recipient of, etc., drunk behavior. It's not fair -- and it shouldn't happen. But, it is what it is. I always viewed my role as to protect the children -- their safety of course -- but at the same time, as kids get older, they will and in my opinion should discover certain things on their own. Obviously we can't "hide" an alcoholic every single time. The agitation, the bickering, the yelling, complaining, martyrism, victim-role, and so on, all of it is very hard on children.

You have your plans in place -- great for you!!! -- and while Plan C may seem like your worse-case scenario, keep working your program. Keep getting healthy, and healthier. Meeting makers make it. For me, alanon, working the program, going to meetings, working with, talking to, my sponsor, allowed me to get better. It allowed me to get healthy. Once I better, healthy, etc., I was in a place and position of health and well-being for my thinking as well. That's important. I was able to make decisions from a place of strength, intellect, clear-headed, a quality thought process, and I was also able to obtain objectivity as I would talk to my sponsor. This was key for me -- instead of being in a position and making decisions from a place of weakness, emotions, fear, duress, pressure, chaos, and so much more.

For me, when my wife used to "relapse" -- I made sure I kept my head where my feet were. I stayed grounded. I stayed focused. For me, it was simple. She relapsed, and either she wanted to get better, period, or she didn't. Either wanted to get clean and sober, or she didn't. Either she wanted to get back on track and live a life of recovery, or she didn't. And, it was obvious. There was no vagueness or ambiguity. It was black or white, yes or no. It was like when she would come out of rehab. She'd be 30, 60, or 90 days sober, even 180...and when she left rehab, it was very simple. Very obvious. Either she was going to come home, go to a meeting, find a sponsor, start working her AA program, and so on...or she was going to do something else. Didn't matter what it was. Go to lunch with a friend, start calling friends, making plans, going to a movie, whatever. That is simply the "intention" and "desire" and the "motivation" of the alcoholic. Either she wanted to stay clean and sober, or she didn't. All I had to do was see that -- and I knew what I was dealing with, and I knew what I needed to do. Me, I was not going to be the human ATM machine giving out a never-ending supply of one more chance or one last chance. When it was obvious she didn't want to get better, get healthy, be clean and sober...then I had to decide...is this the life I want to live. But, that's just me.

Here in Northern NJ -- it is a beautiful day, and thank you. I hope you have a beautiful day where you are, and a wonderful day. All the best.