The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This page talks about blaming others for our feelings, and how the words we use are important. Talking about our feelings in a healthier way, we can express ourselves without blaming. When we can do this, we are no longer a victim.
Quote: "We learn in time that it is not subjects which are controversial, but the manner in which we communicate about them and the elements of personal blame we add to them in anger." -- The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage
To me this is a deeper subject than it first appears. I found it easy to learn to use "I" messages instead of "you" messages. It was not so easy to change my underlying beliefs. I could say "I feel upset" instead of "You made me upset," but I still believed that it was the other person's job to make me feel better. It has taken me a while of working the program to become better at taking responsibility for my feelings, and for what I am going to do about them.
Great topic Freetime, thank you. I know that before program, I always blamed others for my feelings and felt like a victim as well as helpless. Entering recovery I picked up the tools of detachment, the slogans and the serenity prayer and my attitude changed from victim to responsible adult. I could validate myself,. say what I mean and not say it mean as well as own my feelings and trace them within without blaming others and becoming a victim--- how great is that. Thank you AlAnon Thanks for your service
Thank you for your service, Freetime.
Good topic to touch back on!
I blamed my alcoholic a lot! In doing Step 4, I realized that I held onto so much anger! Like you Freetime, I had no problems switching to "i" statements. But the underlying beliefs, resentments etc. were still there. I always felt like I was the victim... and if you look at it only from one perspective, yes, you could argue I (and my marriage) was a victim of alcoholism. But who was allowing me to stay the victim? Me. Only me.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Great share today and hitting home for me. I am trying to learn this and practice it more. I am still trying to learn how to detach with love. I am hopeful that one day at a time I can take the responsibility that is only mine to do what I need for me and stop trying to fix "others" All this time I thought it was a good quality of mine, but I am slowly learning that helping others has to be done in a healthy way for both parties. Little by little I am learning something new everyday.
Thank you freetime for your service and the daily. Thanks to all above for your shares and ESH. I did arrive at Al-Anon with faulty thinking - if only they would change, stop, etc. then all would be well. It was really, really easy for me with my own denial to blame and shame others for how my life was turning out.
In comes recovery with the suggestion I focus on me. Well - that was much harder to do than I thought - exactly as discussed, I had looked outward for so long - for cause, effect and fixes that it was really, really hard to pause long enough to look at me - what was I feeling, what was I thinking, what was I afraid of, etc.
Practice, practice, practice is what we say and that's what it took for me and still takes for me to not slip into old ways of reacting vs. healthy ways of responding. Today, I can pause long enough to consider the source, determine the facts and then determine best next steps. Today, while golfing, I (not knowingly) walked across the green in the 'line' of another's put. That's a no-no in the world of golf etiquette. I can tell you that if someone had tried to coach me and explain this to me before recovery, I would have felt picked on, singled out and embarrassed/ashamed. Today, I was able to just say, I am truly sorry - I did not know that and I will try better.....way more healthy and reasonable (even adult-like) and I'm grateful for the program that helps me stay present, consider the facts and respond differently and more healthy.
Working the steps is wear the freedom of the past came as well as a better ability to come back to today vs. projecting what might happen. My mind still doesn't project happy, joyous and free outcomes so I do better just to return to the here/now and trust my HP. I hope everyone had a great day - off to softball in a short while....(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
