The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I haven't been around for awhile as lots has been happening. Mainly with my Mum. She has been unwell again these last few weeks and was operated on last Sat. The surgeon warned us it would be a big op, a Whipples Procedure (the surgeon said it was equivalent in size to a heart transplant), but hopefully he could give her a few more good years. She had post op problems- respiratory difficulty while she was in ICU, heart arryhthmia on Sunday and due to all the drugs, she was very confused and agitated yesterday. So as you can imagine I have been very stressed the last few days and working hard to support my Dad.
I live about a 2 1/2 hour drive from my parents so my A stayed with our kids while I spent the weekend with Mum. Yet again I fell for his empty promises, he wanted to move back in here for the weekend and look after the kids, promising me he would be alcohol free, when I got home he was drunk. I was telling him the news on Mum and his only response was that I had to accept Mum was riddled with cancer and we might as well organise the funeral!
That was devastatiing to me, I sent him home and cried myself to sleep. All the support I have shown him over the years and this is all I get when I desparetly needed some. It's so sad.
I am so sorry that you are going thru such a difficult time right now. I learned from a wise person on this board that going to an alcoholic for support is like going to a hardware store for a loaf of bread.. Impossible, they arent capable.. They just dont have it in them. I am really sorry and will pray for your mother.
It is unbelievable how cold a's can be.It's as if they have no feelings.I am learning from these rooms that it is the disease talking but it is still hard to take.
There have been times when I was trying to get through to him,(my A husband),I would be crying and in so much pain wanting some kind of feeling for me to come from him.And he would answer the phone and talk as if nothing were going on,he'd laugh and joke around with the person who called.I am learning now to get what I need from myself,my HP,and alanon friends who truly understand.I have learned not to expect something from him that he is incapable of giving.He cannot give what he does not have.
I am praying for you and your mom.Keep coming here there is support and caring.
When my Mom was dying of cancer and I was devastated my A husband said she deserved it because she was a mean person (she was not and always nice to my husband)
Stay strong and keep coming back
-- Edited by megan at 21:15, 2006-04-03
__________________
Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
Hello Feather . love to your mom. Am sorry u have to keep learning the lesson that a practicing A just simply cannot drink. There is a page in our ODAT that says that going to A for emotional support is like going to a hardware store for a loaf of bread. It is just a fact and one that takes us awhile to accept . I assume tht your children were safe when u arrived home and for that you can be grateful.
Accept that he simply cannot be what u need him to be right now and you will be just fine. This damn disease does that to people we love. Take care of you.
Look after yourself, Feather. I'm in a somewhat similar position; just dealing with either situation can be draining, so give yourself a pat on the back - for me. If we weren't strong people, we wouldn't be here trying to deal with the challenges in a positive way. I'm sure I'll be saying similar things as you at some point.
I am sorry your mother has had such a hard time in the ICU. I am glad that the surgeon prepared you for the tough time. I do know how it is to give something to the A to do and for him to let you down. I can only imagine how disappointed you feel. Sometimes it is not possible to find others to hand this stuff over to. I can imagine that you feel betrayed by his lack of emotional support. I am going through my own betrayal inventory and how I shut down on various levels in response to betrayal.
I am glad that you have the time and energy to take care of your mum and be with her.
