The material presented
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It has been a longtime since I have posted on here. My life was going pretty good. My ex-a still is not drinking and that is great. Now, I am having a big problem with my son. He met a woman who is a drug addict. They got engaged and are living together only after 2 weeks of seeing each other. He had dated her a couple of times last summer but then he did not see her for almost a year. The situation has caused me to become angry because the two of them have been dishonest about her story. She claims to have been in an abusive relationship. She told my son her ex-boyfriend tied her up and made her take crystal meth. That is so ridicules. She was taking methadone supposedly for pain. She does not have custody of her children. I found out she has been in trouble with the law and has been in prison or jail. To add to all this, she is on probation right now. I looked for a facebook page on google and a mugshot showed up. I don't know how to not be angry about it. I had been talking to the girl and giving her a chance but she put identifying information on her facebook that he ex-abusive boyfriend can see. My son's name is on there and the town where they live. Anyone that has been in an abusive relationship knows not to put that stuff on the internet. That was the last straw and I haven't talked to her since. It has caused a strain on my relationship with my son and grandson. I cannot get over my anger. All I keep thinking about is her going back to doing drugs and causing problems for my son, and putting my grandson in danger. I have to find my serenity. I practice the 12 steps or I will go crazy. I can try to make it to a face to face meeting. My son has never had a problem with addiction of any substances. I wish I could give the girl a chance. She is bipolar too. I am sorry this is long. Thank you, any suggestion would be helpful. Right now I have not seen my grandson a lot and I miss him.
((Shrnp)) I do hear you and have experienced a similar situation. Please remember Step 1-- We are powerless over people, places and things Resuming your attendance at alanon meetings will refresh your tools and remind you that projecting into the future is extremely destructive, Prayers,living one day at a time, trusting HP works. Please do keep coming back
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-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 8th of June 2018 08:38:09 AM
(((Sharon))) - I agree with what Betty's suggested. Leaning into the program can certainly help detach and accept. I've not always been super crazy about those my boys chose to love yet love them from across the street when I begin to obsess and lose my serenity. I am sending you tons of hugs, positive thoughts and prayers.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
And I Am Also in Agreement, Work that Program, Find that Face to Face... This Program has Saved Many of us from the Same Projecting, and Obsessions, and Mistrust of others, Its Normal in this Disease for Sure... And Step One Tells us "We are Powerless over Others" Sometimes for Me Accepting that is Half the Battle...
I Pray you Find peace in Knowing you are Not alone, and You Keep Coming back and Reaching out, and Reconnecting with your Program for your Own Serenity...
Thank you Betty, Iamhere, and Jozie.
I am finding fleeting moments of serenity. If I stay busy I am fine but then those negative feelings creep back. I do need to remember I am powerless. I am controlling over my grandson because he has lived at my house on and off for 5 years. Letting go of protecting him is hard. They have meetings during the day where I live and if I do not have to work, I will get there. Thanks again.
Keep on keeping on and know that you are not alone! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I understand your frustration. I have a daughter living in a not so good situation with a man whom is hugely controlling, verbally abusive and highly manipulative. He has legal issues as well and on and on. There is always some type of situation brewing. I have talked to my daughter until I am blue in the face to no outcome that I wanted. The more I said about the person the more time and energy she spends defending him. It is very similar to how she behaved and how I behaved when she was in active addiction. Around and around we went on the merry go round. I have had to step away from it all as I am absolutely powerless over this situation to. Geez ,I was sure hoping my HP would give me just one situation that I had some power over another person LOL. NOT HAPPENING.
So I have said all I have to say, I keep my comments to myself, she knows exactly how I feel. When things are rough, I simply tell her that I am sorry she is struggling and that she deserves better. I pray for her safety daily. I have set boundaries for myself and do not want to be around him as it causes me great stress which I do not need. Yes, this has limited the amount of time I see my daughter, but she has respected the boundaries and we do still manage to have a good relationship.
I hope your son will come to his own good decisions regarding this relationship in due time. Hugs.
Intellectually, we get it -- can't fix, control, change and so on and so on. But, a loved one is in trouble. They don't see it. Or, they are struggling. Making bad decisions. Making mistakes. Whatever it is. We have to do something?!?!?!?
Therein, lies the question...what do we do? How do we do it? 2 weeks of seeing someone, a drug addict, and you are engaged and living together. This of course is a recipe for disaster. He didn't wake up one day and become this way. He didn't wake up one day and just lose his mind or his mental well being. And, on top of this, you have been talking to her, giving her the so called chance. You are reading facebook, watching, checking in and up, focusing on what she is doing, and so on and so on.
I certainly get the putting identifying information on her facebook -- that is a moronic thing to do. If your son doesn't see that and/or do something about that, then he is being completely oblivious to reality or is being extremely foolish. This puts her life in jeopardy and his. It is asking for trouble. Yes, you can and will find you serenity, you can work and practice the steps, and you can go to meeting after meeting after meeting. You can do it all. It changes YOU. It helps YOU. However, you still have to deal with your son. You still have to maintain a relationship with him. You have a son, and a grandson, potentially at risk.
I suggest meetings. More meetings. And more meetings. Find a sponsor, someone seasoned, with a long time in the program, someone who can guide you, give you insight and perspective, that you just don't have right now, that is beyond your program and your experience. Seek out a quality, seasoned person. Talk to them, work with them. Every single day. All the best.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
