Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

Dancer, I am going to give you my perspective, perhaps a different perspective. So, your AH's drinking bothers you...OK...so what? It's OK. It's normal. Don't be so hard on yourself. I know people in the rooms for 40 years, been with their alcoholic 40 years, and the slightest little thing bothers them. It happens. Trigger or not, it happens. This disease has major impacts and has major consequences, ramifications, etc. We make progress, but we don't live perfection. Alanon is not a program that teaches us to completely ignore, or become completely immune or oblivious to people, places, things -- especially triggers. Alanon teaches coping skills, guides us as to how we can better -- but that doesn't mean complete impunity. I hear in the opening of face to face meetings I attend here where I live -- you can find contentment, even happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not -- and that's true. But it's not absolute. Pain is inevitable and suffering is optional. Go gentle on yourself. Don't beat yourself up.

We know this is a progressive disease...so it's not uncommon that at one time you were able to be around him, and then have that turn into now I can't be around him at all. That's part of the progressive nature of the disease. I've experienced that countless times. With that comes the direct and collateral damage, the ramifications, etc., and who and what it impacts. And yes, it's a family disease -- it impacts, and hurts, the family.

I hope the long walk went well. Whenever I was at one of those points, for me, I would always check my motives. What was I really doing, the talk, to what end, what am I really wanting here, for me, the other person, and so on. I've often said -- when trying to figure out what the other person is thinking, doing, why they are doing what they are doing, why they don't do this, why can't they just do that, and so on -- the more I try and do that, the more I drive myself crazy. You cannot apply logic to an illogical person or illogical situation. I often used to wonder -- whenever I would have one of those talks with my wife -- what's her motivation? What is she really hoping for. I also looked at my role, my contribution. 

I've been in the rooms, almost a quarter of a century. While looking at the efforts of "trying to stop it" -- I've heard it all. However, as far as the why they do, don't do, the thinking, the mindset, etc. -- no one has figured that out. It's the enigma, wrapped in a riddle, inside of an unanswerable equation question, LOL. It's a disease. The alcoholic wants to drink. Status quo. Nothing disturbed. Nothing changed. They are obsessed with alcohol, and we are obsessed with them. Co-dependency. OCD. Whatever. They will not stop drinking, unless and until they want to. I long ago gave up on trying to get them to stop. So, did I ever expect my wife to say that to me -- "Listen, I just want things to remain as they are, I just want to drink when I want to drink, no consequences, no ramifications, and you keep doing what you are doing and don't confront me or bust my chops about it" or something along those lines. I don't know, but that's what she wanted. My wife didn't want to go to counselling if it had anything to do with her drinking. She told me, the first time drinking or her behavior when drinking was mentioned, even if it was slightly inferred or referred to...she was leaving counselling! Nice, very nice. The way I see it -- it didn't matter. I focused on me. If it had anything to do with her, I couldn't control it or change, so I stayed on my side of the street. I swept my side of the street.

I look at my role, my contribution, but that has nothing to do with making sure I don't accept unacceptable behavior. It doesn't matter why -- it's unacceptable to me. I don't negotiate or analyze. Trying to figure out the other person, the BS, etc. -- whether it be co-dependency or chicken pox -- it wasn't good for me. At a certain point, I didn't talk to my wife about it any longer. I was the ATM machine giving out an endless supply of -- one last chance, one last boundary, one last talk, and so on. That was just how I felt. What a person says to their spouse -- that is no one else's business but their own -- whether they confront them, talk to them, whatever, each person should do what they want. That's part of learning.

Go easy on yourself. Share this at face to face meetings. And, talk to your sponsor. You'll get through it. All the best.