The material presented
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Hi, MIP family. So glad I can come and share here. I'm not feeling well today as I have caught some kind of a virus or similar, and I've been working from home today.
I'm having a hard time not being critical about myself this evening, and I suppose I'll go get some rest after posting. Being sick is very unhelpful when I'm working on staying sane...
One thing that I come back to again and again, though, is I just see how very big my ego is and at the same time how very insecure I am, and both of these things are something that have been with me since childhood. For a very long time one of the main drivers of my actions seems to have been my need to feel accepted, and so I've been living like this, always bearing in the forefront of my mind how others will perceive me, what actions will most likely bring about what I need so much. Its been mostly about how can I get something from others and never how can I give that something to myself. Not all my actions were based in this need for acceptance and fear of not being accepted, but most of them have been, I think.
Even at Al-Anon meetings, while I have no real reason to fear judgment there, I still fear, and, what seems even worse, I also find myself having this feeling of superiority (no real logical reason, I just feel better/more special than everyone else at times). At these times I think I also always feel kind of disconnected, and truly selfish as I am stuck behind my own nose, unable to perceive anything farther than that. I used to LIVE like this for long periods of time, feeling completely alone in my own poor self, unable to emotionally be present at all, I became almost completely isolated for a good while. I'm so grateful my mom was always there for me when I reached out, through all my crazy depressed years.
So okay, I am better. I may be too hard on myself. There are times much more often now that I am able to really be emotionally present.
I am slowly slowly getting better at this, especially since I began working with my sponsor, but I feel like "COME ON! Why I am I still so sick?" sometimes. You know, I remember one of my good girlfriends at elementary school called me a "mushroom" sometimes. :D At the time I had no idea at all why, but I have been remembering this sometimes and I think its because I was such a, so to speak, "dry" person with little ability to be emotionally present and emphatize with other people (or it may have been something entirely different, actually, but that's what I think). I also remember when I was about 9-10 years someone told me I was not shy, that I'm a pretty bold girl, and I was asking my bff "Am I shy?" I remember well that I myself had no idea whether I was or not.
I seem to have written a lot of I don't know what here, but I wanted to reach out this evening, I don't want to be an lonely mushroom this evening anymore (lol). I seem to be feeling a bit better now after putting this out.
Hey Aline - so sorry that you aren't feeling well....for me, that's a time when my brain will magnify negative thoughts/feelings more than other times! It's a pattern that took time for me to see, so when I am under the weather, I am extra gentle with myself as I can really be critical of me and just about anyone else around me without too much provocation.
I hear you about the 'egomaniac with an inferiority complex'. We use this term often on the other side of this program, yet it applies here as well. I feel like I rarely, if ever felt a part 'of' instead almost always felt a part from. I was either better than those around me or I was less than - I never realized that I was an equal to all who are created by the HP.
I hope you feel better soon. I have started using 'Seek to Understand' when I begin to feel superior to others and 'I am worthy' when I feel inferior. I truly do believe my HP wants me to be happy, healthy and whole and it is my will that stands in the way. Be gentle with you and know you're not alone! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Be very gentle with yourself .. when I am not feeling well that is the last thing I need to do is try and do the whole work on me stuff .. sometimes I just need to rest and let everything go for a bit.
As far as the whole needing to feel accepted .. I call that I need other people's approval .. when you feel better you can look at those things .. just for today .. take care of you and feel better.
Big hugs,
S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Thank you tons for your support and acceptance. Its really amazing, each time I share in the program and receive understanding is a step closer to me feeling more okay with myself. I'm not "there" yet but I'm somewhere on the way at least.
I went to my family doctor today and got a sick leave till Monday, so I can take things easy. I don't know what's wrong with me, exactly, and neither does my doctor, but she thinks it may be a virus of some sort. My symptoms are so "vague" I felt kind of stupid, like I'm making all this up. Not that the doctor said that, exactly. Apparently I have a mild stomach virus, most likely. So I can take things easy for the rest of the week.
I am concerned about my ex-abf, because he keeps writing e-mails to me these past days that express his desperation, pain and lack of wanting to live and wanting things to end. It is painful. I do not reply, and he knows full well I am not really up for communication right now. I talked with my sponsor yesterday about my fear of ex-abf dying/killing himself, and I can't control him or any future outcomes, and that my worrying doesn't help anything either and only makes me sick. I try to let go every day but I'm having big problems with this.
Really, I don't want to communicate with him now but I have left this one last channel of communication open (e-mail), and I admit I'm afraid to cut it off too, but almost all his messages are painful to read, its like he's using my mail like a dumpster, or me as a counselor (or scapegoat, as needed) and I'm feeling like a masochist of some kind with this. Each time I think that I don't want to deal with this anymore and think of blocking him on e-mail as well, I waver and am unsure, so I don't. Well, what I actually want is him to be able to communicate in a civil manner so I don't have to block him. Which I'm powerless over and keep hitting my head against this.
But this thing with him writing about his depression and sort of suicidal thoughts, I am actually feeling sympathy, but I don't WANT to write to him, really. One people express suicidal thoughts, I read it is suggested to express sympathy, support and encourage seeking professional help. But the thing with this, I don't trust my ex-abf. I don't trust him to not use his depression as means of manipulation of getting a response from me or whatever. He isn't looking for help, he seems to be looking to me to solve his problems, that's what I used to do.
Do I just try and let go, accepting that life is not a rose garden and alcoholism is terrible disease and there's nothing I can do to change that? Do I express my sympathy? Does it matter? Do I call some kind of suicide prevention squad? I don't expect anyone to answer this for me, but I would love your ESH.
This is so painful. Its like with my shame about my teenage promiscuity, I can't escape what has been and I can't change it, it does no good to pretend it didn't happen and try to forget all about it, because that's making me feel nuts. I need to feel it, live through it, accept it as reality that I can't change and make it a part of me, and still manage to find happiness and beauty each day. I suppose that is acceptance. This is still very new to me. The fact that I waver between acceptance and other things is already big for me, because I never used to get this far at all before.
Thanks for reading... I will watch "Murder on the Orient Express" (the newer one) today and I will drink lots of tea, play piano a bit, and try to be good to myself.
(((Aline))) - glad that you get a 'wellness rest' for a few days! I sure hope you feel better soon. Your plan for today sounds like good self-care - take care of you and be gentle....
I had to set a boundary with my guys as far as threats of self-harm. I take them seriously, call the authorities and request wellness checks. What I found is if it's genuine, they will receive a ride to a mental health facility. If it's not genuine, they rethink that behavior as they know I feel strongly about anyone reaching out, and me not responding to it in a healthy way. I am not a specialist who can talk one down, but I am an imperfect human who will find someone who is trained accordingly.
Make it the best day possible. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Glad to hear that you are taking a few days to rest and take care of yourself. Personally and professionally I have been exposed to threats of suicide. In both instances, I take it seriously as I do not know what another is truly thinking nor their motives. Therefore, if they share suicidal intent with me, I proceed to hand it over to the authorities. If it is manipulation, then they will learn that I am not the person to be manipulating with these kinds of threats and they get to have a visit to the local psychiatric emergency. If they are serious, then perhaps I have saved their life. Either way, I am not willing to expose myself to the stress of "what if" something happens. I will know that I have acted in my best interests and can then focus on my own life.
I am really sorry that you are not feeling well because adding the chaos of an alcoholic doesn't help.
I have two mindsets about suicide .. yes .. call the authorities I come from the stand point of I am not a professional Dr .. and after I have done my part .. it's done for me. I just don't do the manipulation and I can't sort that out. I'm basing that on my experience with my XAH, my mother and my first X (there is NO pattern to be seen here .. lol). DO be aware that there might be some residual fallout from making the call .. I am in agreement that it is better to make the call than not. You do not have to contact him to do so. My XAH finally got the hint when he went to jail/psych ward .. I really wasn't interested in playing the game anymore. It caused a great deal of drama after the fact because I really don't think he understands what he put the kids and I through during that time and still does from time to time.
AA offers some types of support in regards to a "wet A" and they have gone out to do well checks you would need to contact an AA hotline directly and I don't know how that works outside of the US. And calling the police here as well as a suicide hotline will escalate things to hopefully get the help that is needed to him.
I encourage you to hold to your best interests first, if you are having misgivings about the situation .. listen to your gut .. mine has not let me down. Dealing with my XAH was not something I wanted to do and he continued to believe I didn't mean what I said and he found out the hard way that yes .. I really meant I didn't want to hear from him or see him. I needed a very clear NO with him and he refused to listen and there was nothing reasonable in his communications.
As I read your second response to this situation .. I again encourage you to take care of you first .. wait on contact .. work with your sponsor on what you want .. the vibe just feels off to me and if you were my daughter I would not want to see you put yourself into an unsafe situation .. I find responding to crazy when I am off balance because I need time not to workout well for me. YES .. it is about me and when I don't feel safe I get to say NO. A healthy response to that is the other person would respect that .. the fact he isn't tells me he's just not done with his cycle.
Please do take care of you and I hope you will update.
Big hugs,
S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Aline - I just wanted to offer you support. Thank goodness you got the week off... everything seems 10X harder when you are feeling ill. Take good care of you. If you can, don't even answer emails/txts/calls from x-abf.
My STBXRAH threatened suicide a couple of times after I had moved out and he was still deep in active drinking. I didn't really know what to do either (or to believe him TBH), so I called his family and let them know I thought they should do a "well-check." If you can't or don't want to burden the family, then by all means call the police for a well-check...I am of the mind-frame that I would hate to have my Ex's death on my conscience... and it would be, if I knew he threatened and I did nothing.
Hoping you find peace and wellness this week!
PS: Love your new Avatar!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I just received another e-mail from ex, he sounds OK, just casual, asking my opinion on a practical matter... I do not intend to respond. He's fine, that's what matters.
I want to thank everyone who shared again, its very helpful to read of your experience... I don't expect that all is over in terms of alcoholic crazy behavior because he remains an active A... All your ESH and talking it out with my sponsor has been good for me, and I hope I can handle any possible future craziness of this sort in a more healthy manner.
You know, I was just about to try and snoop on WhatsApp what's the last time the ex-abf has been seen there (I haven't done something like this in a year, I think), and its just at that moment I received his e-mail... Its like HP is telling me DON'T.
YES .. you do you and remember active alcoholism is like a swinging pendulum and you really don't know what you will get or "who" more actually you are dealing with. I tend to look at all correspondence as a hook. I am almost positive my XAH doesn't remember 1/2 of what he does .. even now .. however that may be due to actual brain damage. All I can do is what I can do.
I'm just really glad you are leaning into your program and working with your sponsor to find what is right for you.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
