The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When I met him I fell in love hard and fast. I am 7 years older than him and that scared me and still scares me. He's 25 and still a little immature and can be selfish. Very infrequently but it can happen. He's also a very high functioning alcoholic. His father was an alcoholic who passed away from liver cancer when he was 13 and his sister is also an alcoholic. He has never abused me or lied or cheated. Despite his alcoholism he is a very kind, smart, and very nurturing. I cry because when he comes home from work he immediately aims to get drunk and the authentic man I love so very much disappears. Don't get me wrong he doesn't become a terrible person but he's drunk. He slurs, has a hard time understanding the concept of a conversation, etc.
I'm grateful he doesn't become a monster but it makes me sad he is missing life. I want so badly to live a long awesome life with this man and have his children and have fun together but I'm terrified this will never change. I pray that at 25 he is just a child still and learning from life and that could be part of it but with an alcoholic father who knows. The future scares me. I love him and I want him to feel good about himself because obviously he doesn't. His mom doesn't want him to drink himself to death like his father but enables him.
I don't know what I need help with specifically but I just know that I need help.
-- Edited by MrsBear on Sunday 18th of February 2018 10:09:27 AM
Welcome MrsBear-You are in the right place for help, but there is no quick fix. The only one you can help is yourself, but that is an important step to take. I felt so much despair and anguish that my spouse is an alcoholic, and I did not see if for about 12 years. Then things got really bad. I've been in Alanon over 4 years and there are many positive changes, including my spouse is finally sober. Things are not perfect, but we can stay together under these circumstances. By changing myself it spilled over onto my A. I hope you will give Alanon a try, including finding a live meeting in your area. To sit in a room with people who understand is an amazing experience . Keep coming back! Lyne
Thank you so much for responding! I will definitely look for a meeting in my area because, you are right, it will help. I struggle with anxiety which he, ironically, is SO good at coaching me with yet here he sits with his own demons allowing him to be eaten alive. I hope one day he can find his peace for himself and for us.
(((Hugs to you Mrs. Bear))). I'm glad you found Al Anon and shared with us. I can relate so much to your post. I too was married to a functional alcoholic whose dad died because of alcohol and who has alcoholic siblings. I also used to say he never did those things you list...until the day came when he did all of them...not all at once but over a period of years building more and more. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and while we cannot change them, sometimes when we change they decide to seek sobriety also. I hope that happens for you and your hubby. Either way, life with an alcoholic is a tough row to hoe. Best of luck and keep coming back.
Welcome MrsBear I am sure many of us can identify with the love and concern you hold for your alcoholic partner . As has been stated alcoholism is a progressive dreadful disease over which we are powerless. Alanon is a recovery program for friends an families of alcoholics who hold face to face meetings inmost communities. I urge you to check out the schedule of face to face meetings and attend. You are not alone
Aloha MrsBear and welcome to the board and I hope you have lots of time to sit and listen to the suggestions and then follow thru. For me I don't believe in a functional alcoholic syndrome. I use to counsel alcoholic families that included marriages and came to respond to the phrase "Functional" by looking at the family dysfunction as a consequence of the disease. Alcoholics do not play their full part in the family and the family lacks for it. I am not saying that they are not loveable ...God loves them and I did also however the disease does not do it's part. I learned how to love unconditionally in Al-Anon which was a big part of the miracle of recovery and when I learned to love my alcoholic/addict unconditionally I also learned that I had no reason to be married to one. I still love her and hope she is still clean and sober. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
I don't even know where he would rate on the alcoholic scale. He has said numerous time he doesn't want to live like this and he had taken steps previously to stop and did for a little bit but then slowly started incorporating it again recently. He can have 2 drinks one night and the next night polishes off a 6 pack in like 2 hrs. It used to be worse actually but I know it can easily go back to that.
There is hope right? That this could change? I feel hopeless and lost and everyone's story seems so sad. :(
MrsBear - welcome to you - so glad you found MIP and glad that you shared! Absolutely heck yes - there is hope and help in recovery. You are welcome and encouraged to attend Al-Anon if the drinking of another friend or family member is affecting you. This is for us and it doesn't matter if he is active or if he is in recovery - you are welcome.
For me, I too was lost, broken and perpetually sad/worried/anxious. I tried everything - crying, pleading, yelling, ignoring, etc. - and nothing worked. Alcoholism is progressive and is way stronger than us humans. Not matter how much I cared or loved another, I learned in Al-Anon the three C(s) - I didn't cause this, I can't control it and I can't cure it.
So - seek out and attend some meetings and see how it feels. I felt as if I found my 'tribe' that truly understood what I experienced, felt and thought. They listened and shared without judgement or advice - they just pointed me to the various tools available in the program. It's been a game changer for me and my life and I am very grateful I finally arrived...
Please keep coming back - you are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi MrsBear. Great handle by the way! I am sorry that you are suffering. Yes there is hope. You have reached out to the right group and if you work the Al-Anon program I believe you'll most likely find yourself doing much better and will be much better equiped to support him and deal with the more peripheral aspects of the disease such as enabling family members. The unfortunate aspects of this disease is that it is chronic AND progressive and completely out of our control. As you've already seen it is even out of his control. We have a saying or prayer in this program. "Let it Begin With Me." I gently suggest that you consider trying out a few face to face meetings and see if it might work for you. Sending you positive thoughts that you find the support you need on whatever path you choose.
(((MrsBear))) All are great shares above. It dawned on me as I was reading them that not only is alcoholism progressive.........so is this "dis-ease" that effects all in the lives of alcoholics. Very progressive. The anxiety I lived with finally turned into a paralyzing fear. I stopped taking care of me and was not pleasant to be around. I went from being the kind, caring person everyone knew.......to an angry and very fearful person by trying to "help" the A in all the wrong ways. I'm so glad you are here. Alanon has given me back my sanity, confidence and so much more. I worked it hard when I got here. There is no one around me that hasn't noticed a huge change in my attitude and the peace I have again.
When I first walked into the rooms of alanon -- my very first meeting -- I too did not know what I needed, what help I needed, etc. I was confused. I was so "in it" that I couldn't see anything clearly. I was in pain, I was afraid, I was angry, I was desperate, and so much more. So, what can I leave you with...only my experience...and what I did and what worked for me was going to face to face meetings...and a lot of them. I bought the daily readers. I started reading them. I listened, I asked questions, I learned, I started to make changes -- in my thinking, my behavior, my actions and reactions, in my decision making. I found a sponsor and started working with him. Getting better became the most important thing in my life. I scratched, clawed, crawled and fought to get better every single day. I listened to things that I did not want to hear. I accepted things I did not want to hear. I faced things I did not want to face...but this is what I had to do to get better.
Like you, I was sad -- that she was missing out on life, that we couldn't have the wonderful life we had planned on and actually had, that we couldn't start a family, and so much more. I was very sad at these things. But, I learned that I had to do a lot of work so that the sadness couldn't and didn't consume me. I wanted her to not miss out on life. But this wasn't about what I wanted. What I wanted had nothing to do with this. This was up to her. I was sad because she was missing out on life? She is an adult. She has to choose, to decide, it was up to her. I had to accept that she was not going to quit drinking UNLESS and UNTIL she wanted to. And I had to accept that she may not want to. And, if so, what did that mean to me. For years, I tried -- to fix it, her, control her drinking, begged, pleaded, cried, threatened, I did everything to try to get her to stop, I tried to get her to see what she was doing, to herself, to us, and so on. And, none of it worked. I had to learn acceptance. I had to let go.
Anyway, go to face to face meetings. A lot of them. Start focusing on YOU. Keep coming back.
-- Edited by Bo on Tuesday 20th of February 2018 11:12:04 AM
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
