The material presented
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Yea, I do. I guess because it's all hyped to be all about love/commitment/etc. I have learned over the years to try and treat it like it's any other normal day... but it is hard when it is splattered as advertisement everywhere!
In the past I have tried to do things for myself, and also to get my kid involved - I figured I am modeling good partner behavior at least. I do get joy out of doing for others on this day.
However, this year has crept up on me like the boogey-man. I don't have the funds to do for others, I am too busy with work, the divorce, tax readiness, and now school to even have made the effort for my kiddo... and I am mad about that. To be honest with myself, I am also mad b/c STBXRAH gets to look great, and I don't. The funny thing is, every year prior, he has ALWAYS done a card at the last minute...it was evident he never gave much thought to it. And of course, his actions never lived up to what he wrote in the card. I was always the one to buy a card FOR HIM to give to his child.
Of course, what comes in the mail today, but two cards from my STBXRAH from his rehab. I know they are Valentine's Day cards b/c they are red envelopes. I put my son's on his bed, and I opened mine alone. It read: "PNP, I want you to be OK. I hope you can continue to be my best friend. I will always love you." Of course I started bawling.
But mostly because I am sitting in a place where I don't know if or how I can 'continue to be his best friend.' I am currently immersed in Step 4, and I have been exploring my feelings towards my marriage. I think I can honestly say that it's been a LONG time since I could consider my spouse as my "best friend." It has been literally years of picking up the mess, paying the debts, fixing his mistakes... basically being his MOM. I know that we've developed very different interests years ago, and he never really made any effort to include himself in MY interests, even though I tried to enjoy his. Probably b/c of the addictions, but still, the chasm is there.
And at this point, I am making the moves to be OUT of this marriage.
He called me yesterday offering some money to help with Kid. I was thankful for that, b/c I am drowning in debt. I told him thank you, it comes at the best time (since Actors and Others for Animals never gave me an answer regarding my Boxer), but of course I cried the whole conversation. I guess this proves that I am not as strong as I think I am.
He called my cell after 10:00 pm last night... I hate that. I did not pick up.
Breathe, just breathe.
This day will pass, and you WILL move forward.
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I'm voting for the whole deal be easy on you and none of this is easy vote.
I'm glad that your STBX thought of you and your kiddo, at least you didn't have to remind him and so take that as a blessing .. although I laugh because I think it's ironic that these people who I thought couldn't care for themselves all of a sudden manage to step it up .. LOL. It actually is upsetting because you know what .. they didn't need me like I thought they did. How dare they figure it out now. (this is all said tongue and cheek).
It IS a blessing he was thoughtful so take it at face value and leave it alone. Don't over think it. There is no need.
You know the definition will change of what a best friend is based upon how your "new" relationship evolves and right now .. today .. there is no need to project what it might be.
This stuff with the crying .. it's normal .. it's healthy .. it's a release and that's ok. It will come in waves .. it will start to not feel so crazy and spastic for lack of a better term .. sometimes it will be crying .. sometimes it will be rage and sometimes it just will be peace .. that goes on for a bit because it's a process no different than alanon and the steps. Sometimes quickly sometimes slowly .. the healing does happen .. so just do for you today. You deserve it .. you deserve to say this is a me day.
Big hugs,
S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
(((PnP))) - sending you tons of hugs, positive thoughts and prayers. I believe it's important to be really gentle when we are 'feeling' too much...I tend to get overwhelmed and forget that my feelings are real but they are not facts. I also can think my way into believing it will always 'be' as it is and that's not been truthful as I've continued my journey.
You don't have to decide on the level of relationship with your STBX today or tomorrow. You don't have to do anything but be gentle, lean into the program, trust your progress and trust your HP. I do agree that crying can be very healing - I usually feel better once I've had a good cry. And, you are right - this is just another day - that always works well for me.
I went out a bought seafood to cook for dinner, then forgot about 'meat' on Ash Wednesday, and had chicken salad for lunch....best laid plans. Here's what I know - my HP doesn't care if I eat meat today or not. My HP doesn't care if I cook a large seafood meal tonight or not. My HP wants me to have peace and as much joy as possible, each day, and to let go of all that is not mine to deal with.
I've made an executive decision that we are instead having 'binner' - breakfast food for dinner....the little people are coming over and that's what they eat best. My second born is also coming and he'll eat anything as will my AH. I am the one who puts unnecessary pressure on me and am working each day to do and be different.
If your child is like mine, a large bowl of ice cream or a malt together would be equal to a 'meal out'. You are worthy and you are loved! (((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
The good news about detachment is that it works in so many ways. Valentine's day used to be a horrendous day for me. .
I got married on Valentine's day. I have to say the day I got married was one of the worst in my life The ex was so awful so narcisstic so thoughtless so objectionable I felt desperately disappointed I put together a phenomenal reception out of nothing. I pulled it all together really despite the now ex husband That night should have been wonderful because I made something special. I hated every second of it. I felt like my skin was burning off incandescent in my rage grief and bitter deep disappointment
I beat myself up like a punch bag for years about the lack of a partner. I had a crushing disappointment in the meager offerings I got from whoever I was hooked up with. Their efforts were after all pathetic at best. If they got a card they picked something up where ever at the corner store i wouldnt even call it.an effort thet were absoluteky indifferent to what I.wanted I had one boyfriend who made elaborate hand made cards thet were pieces of art. With those cards came unrealistic expectations of a love that would transcend all his shortcomings. That included cheating and shoving it right in my face in public settings. The card was beautiful really I should have kept it What went with it was sordid unrealistic and downright cruel. I still believed I.needed the symbols for decades.
Really in all that suffering and there was tremendous anger grief and desperation I had no idea how to dial it down. I couldn't step back after all I was drowning. I had no perspective no calm center. I counted down those hours to the day I hated every moment of the day and I dreaded the next time it would come around The year looked up interminable all those days which proved how unlovable I was
Valentine's day used to be this looming symbol of what was missing in my life I took it all really personally. I felt abandoned lonely beyond redemption but most of all angry After all where was mine. How come they got #the dream# and I was left out. I felt totally unworthy.
Now after over a decade of al anon (which I only went to because I couldn't bear an other minute iof the pain) Valentine's day is not to be dreaded not no more I can certainly spend it cherishing myself in.some symbolic way After all cherishing myself which was of course what I was always desperate for is what I always always craved from others More than that the day that once symbolized my absolute failure at relationships no longer means that. No person no myth no symbol or outside influence can label me a failure now not anymore I no longer view myself with contempt and horror. I don't condemn myself every day. Which I did. No one else did it better than me
I don't know what I will do today I made no plans For once Valentine's day is no longer a crushing blow What I know I won't do is to believe with gnawing envy that someone else got what I never did and imagined I would never have After all that pain I won't be beating myself up hating myself or licking my wounds. Certainly there is still a lot of healing to do . I am by no means healed or really in that soft loving place that I deserve to be at. I feel deserving today.
Today I get to accept myself just as I am. I have plenty of problems and huge challenges I am stumbling with many of them. I don't have masses of free time to do what I really want.
Nevertheless this us a day I put down the stick. I let myself be rather than berate where I #should# be what I #should# have what might have been.
Whatever it took for me to get to this point of stopping beating up on myself is what it took I have come to see that I am already always living on borrowed time I most definitely should not be here with my health issues or my deep deep depression. That depression swallowed me whole for years
Whatever I have today (which objectively is not much) I was never meant to be here I gave up on myself thousands if times and abandoned myself to so many really impossible people. Now I don't give up not for one second that sense of defeat and desperation is gone. I thrive no matter what. I don't merely survive I look at fear objectively rather than shrink from it I like myself in ways I never did before Certainly I am not doing anything special for Valentine's day but really accepting myself right where I am right here today is something I never ever dreamed of. I didn't even have a concept of it Al anon took me to that point. When I joined it wasn't by choice I was desperate to survive the pain Now I am at a place I had no.idea it was possible to be or any inkling of
Happy Valentine's day For once just once this is a happy day for me No more desolation grief envy rage pain and suffering. For me that is a good day that supersedes cards or that romantic dinner (all those were abjectly excrutiating for me)
I dont dread this day anymore I like it just like any other day
-- Edited by Maresie on Wednesday 14th of February 2018 07:14:28 PM
-- Edited by Maresie on Wednesday 14th of February 2018 07:21:27 PM
-- Edited by Maresie on Wednesday 14th of February 2018 07:27:55 PM
-- Edited by Maresie on Wednesday 14th of February 2018 07:32:55 PM
((PNP)) Thanks for your post and I can relate. I hope you made today easy and breathed through it. I woke up not feeling like it's my favorite day either. Then everyone at work wished me a happy Valentine's day and their warmth and caring felt good.
This Valentine's day, I loved myself... did small things to make myself feel good.
I try to practice making every day a celebration - do a gratitude list and an asset list to boost confidence.
Wow...I think you really hit a raw nerve for so many of us! Valentines Day is either Heaven or Hell, isnt it? At least it used to be...I guess now it is just what it is...another day for some chocolate companies and flower shops to make a profit off of the guilt of others. (Yeah, I realize that was truly negative !).
I dont honestly hate the day anymore, but I dont love it either. I have too many really, really bad memories of Valentines Day to ever really cherish the spirit of the day. Sadly, when my stepfather buys these giant stuffed bears (and other things I personally see as junk) for my mother, I see her struggle with trying to show appreciation. She does appreciate the gesture, but has never felt frivolous purchases of clutter are a positive thing...and she is expected to keep them forever.
Now I realize some people LOVE these things and they mean the world to them. I dont mean to diminish anyones happiness or belittle others, but I, like my mother, find stuffed animals for young children.
I also find the commercialism of Valentines Day to be nauseating! I prefer a simple pleasant gesture from my hubby and perhaps a nice card. I have learned to appreciate cards in our 23-24 years because they matter to him. They also matter to my daughter, but I have always felt like commercial cards were just another waste of hard earned cash flowing by the millions to some rip-off company.
Ugh, why cant Valentines Day be a day to simply show someone you love them, without all the commercialism?
For those who truly appreciate and love this day, please ignore this old grump. I guess I still have some work to do on things like this because Christmas has become virtually the same to me and I hate the commercialism! I miss the days of baking cookies and sitting around enjoying my grandmothers hot mulled cider, pimento cheese and ham sandwiches (she would even leave some plain just for me)...and then even enjoying her fruitcake (the ONLY fruitcake I have ever enjoyed) lol. It was the love and the happiness of the family that I miss...not all the thousands of dollars we now seem to have to shell out for presents for those obscure family members we see once a year, at best, of we feel obligated to send presents to when they wont even Show up...yet they are too selfish to even have their kids draw a picture or something as a gift for a grandfather or grandmother. Its all about give me, give me, give me....then I didnt have the money to get yall anything this year ...or any other year)...but thanks for the great big lunch. I am just going to take this whole ham and the dressing home with me because you know I love your dressing...and so-and-so asked me to bring him the sweet potato soufflé since he couldnt come. Oh, I need gas too...can I have an extra $20.00 to get home (since it costs less than $5.00) and of course all the kiddies have new $100.00 toys in every hand! Not even a hand drawn picture or card for the expense bearers though...because yall can afford it....and certainly no offer to help bring any food or even a bottle of coke. Errrrrr!!
Christmas happiness for me is finding someone or several someones at local stores who are obviously good people, struggling to buy for the children or to pay for simple groceries, and handing them modest amounts of cash to help. I dont give them my name and I dont ever follow up. This I do for me. Its not the money. Its the sentiment. These people truly appreciate kindness and show it in their eyes. Often they try to deny the money and give it back...which always brings me to hand them an extra bill or two, depending. These are the people I wanot to help for Christmas or to give to on my birthda. I dont care if they have issues or serious problems, but you can tell in their eyes that they could use a helping hand and yet they speak to you kindly and are friendly fo no reason. This makes my holiday, sometimes my birthday, and sometimes just makes me happy because I need like doing something good for someone in need To feel good inside.
I realize I seem an odious ogre for my post, but selfish, money grubbing people make me sick! I dont mind sharing with good people who truly need it, but the money grabbers just make my blood boil!!! The least they could do is have a kid draw a picture saying Merry Christmas.
(((P&P))) I have been thinking about you and wondering how you were doing.
Holidays have been somewhat better the past years. I just don't care for them. It is much more difficult when children are still living at home. The level of stress over no $ and what children are "programmed" to expect from comparing what their classmates do, get whatever was a nightmare. I did the best I could with what I had at the time. At one point a homemade card for them but......maybe these days they'll appreciate what that meant more than back then. I remember playing with them and picking out "adventure" type things if only a walk to find pretty rocks and bugs lol
These days they are grown......and look at holidays much the same way I do. An overload of commercialism and just enjoy the time with family. My less stress way of dealing with it all and grateful they have followed suit. I used to dread christmas so much when the kids were growing up.....over months of THE upcoming event.....(XAG gambler) I got physically sick and would wonder why......it started changing when I broke thru my family's obsession of materialism and chose to celebrate just being with them and making it the best time I knew how at the time.
Thank you for checking up on me, Tude! The last four days have been crazy busy for me, and I am trying to catch up on here.
You know, the day came and went... just about like any other. I think all the commercial hype BEFORE the day is what stressed me out.
The funny thing is, do you want to know what I did with my card? I took out the insert my STBXRAH wrote on, and I "made" my son a card with the picture part of the card! LOL! It didn't have an envelope, but Kid wouldn't care. I also got him a Reese's heart candy - he likes those. He said he liked my card. It brightened my day that I was able to do that, so I guess I can be grateful for that card from the STBX! LOL!
Sadly, Kid opened his card from his dad, read it, said "Oh, that's cute, huh?" showed me the card and then put it back in the envelope. I read it the next day and it said, "From now on I will always be there for you."
I figured Kid's response to the card was either, "I'll believe it when I see it," or "Too little too late." Two nights ago, Kid said he had a bad dream about his dad at a friend's house... he said he woke up and remembered only that is was about his dad and the smell of beer on his breath. It truly is sad what addiction does to families.
For my son's sake, I hope RAH makes good on that promise.
Going on Wed. to a joint tax appointment... not really looking forward to that since it will be the first time I will see him in 4 months. I hope I can find a meeting for later that evening!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
(((PnP))) - sending positive thoughts and prayers for you all! Just keep doing you and trust the progress you've made! Coolness on how you made it to/thru Val. day! I am sure the tax man appointment will be fine!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
MeTwo2 - Thank you. Yes, I have offered, then prodded a little, then recognized MY codie behavior and let it go. He had a therapist last year and went every other week, so I know this was addressed when we were living with an active A.
Iamhere - Thank you! I am feeling stronger, so I have faith that I can handle the tax appt. If not, there is always my sponsor and you guys!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I notice I have been curbing my issue trying to read to much into future events although it's hard .. it just is what it is and all I really need to be responsible for is ME and my behavior. The other events are going to be what they are going to be.
Tax stuff will be fine :) although I am sure it will be a shock to see him directly after so much time, I had to do a small prayer of God please keep your hand over my mouth and your arms around me in love. It helped me get through multiple court dates and meetings. It was always a shock to deal with my XAH, however I always came out on the other side feeling much stronger moving forward.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I had to giggle a little at your, "God please keep your hand over my mouth..."
Perhaps I will offer that up as well!
Peace to you today!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
