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how do you handle having a few drinks with dinner/night out?
my dad is an A (his parents/grandparents...were also). i have a fear that my brother is following in his footsteps. he leads a normal productive life (goes to school/work/has a relationship). but a long time ago, so did my father. maybe it's my brother's age(24), maybe he just wants to unwind from hard days, or maybe he is heading for trouble. the truth is that in my family, by the time everyone realizes that IT IS a problem, it is too late to help. they just get too far gone and don't want help.
i feel like if i go have a drink with my brother, it means i am condoning it. it doesn't matter if i drink around him, because he does it whether i am there or not. how can i tell him to be careful or to not drink because of our family history, if i have a drink once and a while? i feel guilty if i have a drink because i don't want it to be my fault. i don't want to give him the "i am your big sister do what i say but not as i do". if i try to talk to him about my concerns, he'll just get mad that i would try to compare him to our father. it's a catch 22. if i say something he'll get mad and it won't turn out how i want. if i don't say something, i'll be mad and it won't turn out how i want. should i just keep my mouth shut and let his life take it's course?
is there a good way to handle a drink with dinner without portraying it to mean "it's time to party!!"
I'm probably not someone who should be answering your post, but here is a couple of things I thought when reading your post.
1. Al-anon way might be to just let them do what they are going to do.
2. Maybe if you felt you really had to say something make it more like a give and take conversation. Like--have you ever felt nervous about our drinking habits since so many people in our family are a's? Do you think that it might be possible that we might someday have a hard time with alcohol ourselves--(I'm using the word our because I think it makes it sound like you are thinking about this concept, but not saying that he would be the one with the problem, while you have a drink and are not ever affected.) Does this make sense?
If you kind of do it the second way then you have put the issue out there but in a non accusatory (don't even know if this is a real word!) way. At least he may start to think about it and make some decisions about what he might want in the future.
Just a thought. Good luck finding the answers you need!
I can understand what you're feeling about the situation. I think the "a" will think its time to party regardless of whether u have a drink or not. My family members like to have wine with their meals, they may have a glass or two and their done, my "a" keeps on drinking though no matter if everyone is done or not. I endulge in a glass of wine after the kids go to bed some nights. I like it best with a hot bubble bath. I usually only get one or two glasses out of the bottle anyway because by the next time I go for it, it's gone!!
When my "a" decides to give sobriety another try, and in his past attempts to get sober I did not bring alcohol into the home. I wanted to keep the temptation out of the home at least. If I went out with a girlfriend or something I might have had a couple of drinks but he was not around me. His sponsor told him and me that alcohol is everywhere and he will never be able to escape other's drinking. His sponsor told him he needed to get used to living a sober life in a world where other's will endulge, he told him they may not have a problem or maybe they do, but your sobriety is yours alone, don't jeopardize it for anyone. He told me and my family to be ourselves that this was his problem. It was a choice I made to not have a drink with dinner or bring it into the home to show my support.
With regards to saying anything, I'd leave it alone. He'll figure out if he has a problem, the only thing you can do is give it to your HP and be true to yourself. Great topic!
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I don't know if there is an answer... but people have to make their own decisions, even your brother. My brother is pretty level headed, but he is 8 years younger than me and does party hard sometimes.
Heck, I partied hard when I was young too.
My Grandfather said something interesting to my Dad (active A at the time) when I asked to go to my first dancehall dance at 15 years old, he said "... he's a smart kid and he will have to make the decission about what is right and wrong."
To be honest, I found I was a great drinker... could drink everyone under the table then drive them home... (eeek!) Scared me... alot! At first I thought I was amune, then I started noticing, I never got hung over, but had joint aches like arthirytis (sp?).
I think I might be alergic to alcohol, and that's one thing people say might be the difference between A's and people who have a few every day and don't have problems.
Bottom line is, you could express your concearn about how bad his life could get and see if he knows the warning signs, but you can't babysit him I don't think. 3C's apply to him too.
Take care of you and try not to worry yourself sick, we don't need to be any sicker...
Have a great day!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Thanks for your post. I can relate to it a lot. My father is an alcoholic and my brother, who is three years older than me, is as well. I have struggled with the same issues of whether or not to drink in their presence. I finally decided that they are going to do what they are going to do, whether I am there or not. And if I alter my behavior in their presence, then I am not being true to myself. I used to rationalize that I shouldn't drink in front of them out of respect for them and their problem. But, if they don't see it, then they are blind to the respect as well. So for me it all comes down to, what am I comfortable with? For me, I am comfortable with having a drink in front of them and STOPPING. This is where their behavior and mine differs. Over the years my abstaining from drinking hasn't helped them. My choosing to drink in front of them and stopping after one may not help them either. But, I am comfortable with it and at this point that's about all that matters to me.
As for how to talk to your brother about the issues in your family, my sponsor has told me - say it once and you are sharing your opinion. Say it twice and you are pushing your will. I try to stick by that. I have tried to talk to my brother. His response is, "I'm glad it works for you, but it won't for me." That's fine. That's where he's at. He needs his own answers, when he's ready, and I can't make him be where I want him to be. But I spoke my truth, and I planted a seed. If he is ever ready, the awareness will come to him. In HP's time, not mine.
Hello, flintfeet, Thanks for being here. Your question is a good one, and I know every one of us has learned to handle this in our own way. I will share what I have done with you. I have been in recovery for over 20 years. I came from an alcoholic family, as did my husband. I have had relationships with alcoholics, and they still crop up in work relationships, etc. Alcoholism is rampant in our culture, so we are dealing with a's all the time. Most of my cousins, my brother and sister are active a's. I have a disease too, co-dependence. When I broke my own denial about the alcoholism in my family and how it affected me, I decided to stop drinking. Not everyone does this. For me, there were several reasons for this. With my family history of alcholism, I knew I wanted a more healthy life for myself and my current family. I also did not think I could ever really speak openly to someone else in the family about their drinking - if they should ever approach me - if I was still drinking. Finally, I realize that our whole society is in denial about alcohol as a drug, and I personally want to do what is in my power to do to make positive change in the world. We talk about drunk drivers, but no one talks about alcoholism, and judges go easy on drunk drivers, etc., etc. I don't judge anyone who drinks with me. Many of my friends and acquaintances drink. Sometimes they ask me if it bothers me for them to drink in front of me, and I always reassure them that it does not bother me. They are asking, but it is truly not a problem for me. Sometimes someone wants to know why I don't drink, and I simply explain that my family is riddled with alcolism, and I have chosen not to drink, for myself. I have found my own life to be much fuller and richer by not drinking alcohol. I don't need alcohol to have fun. I love life, and recovery has given me that.
This is my own esh. You will have your own as you make your way through your own recovery. I trust you'll do the best that you can for yourself. Your being here helps my program, too. Blessings to you, mebjk
