The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was replying to another topic and I found myself thinking and my ideas wandering.
I got so sad, and then thinking about it made so much sense.
I can detach from my husbands drinking, the problem is the behavior that goes with it. I started thinking about my parents. My Mom and dad have been married for 47 years and where together for a long time before that. Their marriage is the model I grew up with. I'm not going to say they never fought, they did. Boy could they raise the roof, but I was always secure when I was a child that they would make up and everything would be okay.
After all these years, my dad still calls my Mom Charley, a nickname from when they where kids. They still hold hands, they still kiss and tell each other how much they love each other. They are also very affectionate with my sister and I and our children. I love you is said at the end of each conversation, and even my oldest son still hugs my Dad when he sees him.
When I see my Dad look at my Mom and her at him, the love is so obviouse in their eyes. He still looks at her like she is twenty. They are always there for each other, and do things just to make each other happy.
When we where growing up, they made sure they spent one evening a week (when possible) alone, usually out to dinner or a movie. They went away on their anniversary each year and my grandparents stayed with us. My sister and I never felt abandoned during those trips, we knew it was good for them to be alone. By taking care of their marriage they where taking care of us. We always knew and still do that the most important person in the world to each of them was each other, yet it never made us feel any less important. In a way it made us feel safe. My dad treatd my sister and I like Princesses, but Mom was the queen. Their love and devotion to each other was what made our family strong, and taught us to love.
My husband always says my Dad is "whipped", that my Mom leads him around. The truth is they lead each other around. My husband looks at my dads affection to my Mom as weakness. I see it as strength.
I look at my own marriage, so very different. It seems like if something will make me happy, my husband will purposely not do it. He hates saying I love you to me. He will say it to the kids, to a barmaid to any stranger, but he says he shouldn't have to tell me, I should know. He never compliments me, only critisizes me. He thinks holding hands or any sign of affection is "geeky" I hate that word. He thinks kissing should only lead to sex. Whenever we wnet on vacation he wanted to bring another couple so he had someone to drink with. As far as the pecking order in the family. I am not supposed to mean the most to him. It is to be his parents, his siblings, our children and then me. I should accept that order, it is the way it is. When he looks at me, I see mostly contempt.
I look at my marriage and it is nothing like what I grew up with. I know we are supposed to love oursleves and make our own happiness. But what is wrong with doing things to make your spouse happy. What is wrong with making your spouse feel loved? What is wrong with making your spouse feel attractive or special?
I know I am smart. I know i am attractive. But I don't think it is wrong for wanting my husband to reflect those feelings. I don't think it is wrong to want what my parents have. I'm not in denial, I know I don't have it, and proibably never will. My husband is nothing like my Dad. Even if he sobered up, he has these warped ideas and I don't think they only came from his drinking but more from how he was raised. Maybe drinking isn't our biggest problems. As I'm getting older and more sure of myslef I am happy with me, the person I am. I am happy with my appearance. I don't want to look 20. I do love anad respect myslef. Is it wrong to want my spouse to look at me like he lovves me? To look at me like I'm beautiful? To treat me like I am the most important person in the world?
I think I want more than he can give me drunk or sober. I don't know where I'm going with this, I'm just thinking and typing.
Sweetheart, your hubby is not ever going to do or say those things that you long for. You're a smart girl, and I know you realize that. He is self-centered and unconcerned. It therefore becomes a part of your responsibility as a parent to instruct your dear children on loving behavior with their future mates. The boys in what is expected from them, and the girls likewise.
Allow yourself to reflect from time to time, and enjoy the memories you have of your childhood and your parent's loving relationship. And be glad you have those memories instead of ones of abuse and desolation.
I continue to admire your strength of spirit, your will to survive, and your love for your children. These are the things that identify a worthy human being.
At least your parents have a healthy loving relationship. My dad was an A and hated us all. My mom would tell me he loved us and I grew up thinking that abusive A behavior was love. Even on his death bed he criticized me. He has been gone almost 20 years and I still am angry for the things he said and did to me. When I left my addict husband who was physically abusive...my father said no wonder he beat you...you are a b--ch. I was a mess and allot of it was because of my relationship with my father.
Diva is right...set the kids straight now! You by the way are wonderful and he does not deserve you!
Hello, Jeannie, Thank you for sharing so honestly with us. It sounds as if you are doing some deep reflection on your life. Good work! Blessings, mebjk
Oh Jeannie, another beautiful post and yes, I'm crying some more! You were indeed very fortunate that your parents set such a wonderful example of what love can be and that you and your sister felt that love too. My parents had no such thing and that is exactly what my Mum wanted for them. Fortunately, I too experienced 'healthy' love before my A started drinking but as I said previously he was never particularly complimentary. He also was not critical. It made the loss more painful and difficult to bear when his disease got hold of him. Today, we are both in programs and have recovered much of the love/affection. We still don't communicate as well as I'd like but we're both willing to work on that. As I said in pm, thank you so much for reminding me of just how grateful I am for those 'normal' things that we have in our lives today and that I pined for when he was drinking. The walks in the park, cuddling on the sofa etc. I do treasure every moment but shame on me, not all the time; sometimes I let the daily grind get in the way.
I think there is absolutely nothing wrong in wanting these things from your husband but you sound quite realistic and aware that it may not happen and could be more to do with his personality and upbringing than his disease. I am truly happy that you're so comfortable with yourself and recognise your own beauty and worth. I'm much more secure in myself now I'm older too, strange really, parts of my body are heading South but my self-esteem is going North. We also experienced men who considered my husband 'whipped' or 'under the thumb' but he was secure enough in himself at the time not to care. Of course, all the women told me how fortunate I was and that my husband was an absolute diamond! They soon changed their minds when the drinking took off but that's in the past now and I'm happy with where we're at.
I understand your sadness as I was there just a couple of days ago on marriage-related issues but as promised 'this too shall pass'.
Your post struck such a nerve with me, its all the things I am feeling right now. I have spent the better part of this week trying to figure out if the best example of a wife and marriage is committment and faithfulness, or if at the end of this all my girls will think I was weak, will they choose this kind of relationship for themselves since this was their example??? I too had a wonderful childhood with parents so in love for 35 years...good times and bad times. But all their core values and goals matched up. This is only my second post and I have yet to attend a real al-anon meeting and wouldn't presume to offer any advice but to say there is someone else out there feeling the same way and "just thinking" the same things...let me know if you figure it out. I hope you feel love all around you today, Robyn
Your post brought me to tears, my grandparents were similiar to your parents. My grandpa called my Nana "Peachy" until the day he died. My father tried to be loving and affectionate with my mom, but something in him kept him from accepting my mother as she was and respecting her boundaries. My mom put him on a pedestal for years. I think alot of men view this type of endearing affection to their wives as sappy and weak, but underneath that its insecurity for them. I agree that its probably a learned perception from his childhood, my guess is he wants to be loved like that and be able to love like that but doesn't feel worthy or capable. My "a" has a hard time with opening up as well mostly about himself, but he sees that his parents were dysfunctional. He recognizes that he posesses the ability to love and show love through his kids and hopefully more for me each day. I pray silently each day for the walls of denial to break down and the heart to soften with compassion towards us. We can't change them and how they relate to their world or the people in it, but HP can. With God/HP all things can be made possible.
I commend you for being able to so eloquently put your perspective into words. You have power knowing the reality and truth of what is. Thank you for sharing
Hugs,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I didn't read anybody else's response to this yet, as I wanted to give my response to what just what you said, without thinking about what others said first--
Man our families sound so much alike--except honestly I never ever saw my parents argue or disagree. They said they did, but we never saw it or heard them!! (We have seen it since my dad retired and they don't get the space from one another, but now we're adults and we just laugh because we didn't think they could argue!)
I agree completely with you! I should be able to do for my spouse just because I want to make him happy, but he should also do the same for me (evidently our spouses didn't get that manual!!!!!)
One question I find me asking myself--is how did I go from a family like that to the one I decided to be a wife/mother of? How could I have grown up seeing the value given to every member of the family and end up in relationships where the spouse has little/no value for me? I have been in two marriages--the first was awful and there wasn't even alcohol/drugs involved just a completely selfish/evil man, the second-now I'm married to an alcoholic/addict---where in my life did I look and say it doesn't matter how I'm treated, all that matters is how I treat people. Why did I get the message that if I'm nice enough people will just be that same way to me?
Don't get me wrong I love my husband very much, he can show me some value every now and then, but it is very rare!!!
I am so sorry, sorry for your husband. Sorry that he will probably never feel the joy of true companionship, sorry that he cannot see or appreciate the beauty in you, sorry that he will never see the happiness he could bring to both of you with small acts of love and kindness, sorry that his words tear you down instead of build you up so he cannot see your joy, sorry that he misses the the warmth of holding your hand in public, sorry that he cannot see the love in your eyes when he treats you badly. Yes, I am very sorry for him.
I sure can relate to what you are saying. Since spending alot of time with my ill parents and watching their loving relationship, I have asked these same questions of myself and my marriage. I guess I remember in alanon we do not have expectations or it causes resentments. We have what we have and picked the spouse we did. We can stay with them or divorce them and hope to find what our parents have and had. It is a tough decision for me and I am sure for you. I know friends that are remarried and found the right man the second time around. That saddens me at times. For me the question is whether I should use my energy to better myself and my marriage I have, or divorce and use more energy to try and find the man like my dad or your dad. Tough question, don't you think? I guess that is where our HPs (higher powers) come in for us. All we can do is live one day at a time, work on us and hope our HP guides us to the best outcome he can with the decisions we make. Great post! cdb xoxoxoxo
. I hope you feel love all around you today, Robyn