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Hello, all. This is my first post as I have just joined a few minutes ago. I went to one Al-Anon meeting a month or two ago, but have not been since. I thought since my fiance (the A) was doing well, I didn't need to go.
I have recently discovered he is using again. This is his third relapse in four years. Since we are engaged to be married, I wonder if I am making a horrible decision by choosing to spend the rest of my life with him, or whether this is somewhat normal as every marriage will likely have difficult times.
We plan on purchasing multiple books to help. He is attending AA meetings and has a therapy appointment set for next week. I know I need to attend some Al-Anon meetings as well. Are there any books you would recommend for me? Is there something that can help give me clarity?
Welcome .. I'm really glad to hear you are attending alanon meetings or will go back. I'm a little concerned about your statement about every marriage has issues .. true enough .. I would like to believe not every marriage involves an addict and that seems incredibly naive to dismiss the disease of addiction so carelessly. One thing that comes to mind and for the love of it all I can't remember where I read this I swear it was on this site .. made by someone far wiser than me .. if you knew nothing was going to change .. this was the straight truth .. nothing wad going to change could you still love your qualifier and not try to change them .. love them right where they are at in this dreadful disease and be ok right there. I really encourage you to not worry about getting married .. and put that focus intro yourself while he gets himself cleaned up .. there is no need to rush marriage. This is his 3rd relapse .. per your post this is life long not here today gone tomorrow .. let some healing happen .. it took me 2 kids .. 7 years of trying to get out and away from my qualifier .. lots of life lessons .. and while we are not suppose to give advice .. pause and just slow down a bit. I would really encourage you to get educated get yourself back to meetings and just breathe. Big hugs .. do keep coming back. S ;)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Welcome to MIP - glad that you found us and glad that you shared. I would encourage you to return to meetings and to find a group you feel home at. The principle of Al-Anon is your recovery from the affects of the disease - you are welcome and encouraged to keep going whether he is active in recovery or active in the disease.
Al-Anon has a ton of literature - How Al-Anon Works is helpful, The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage is another and there are several daily meditation/readers that are referenced often. Most literature is available at meetings and also at the official Al-Anon website. I have found all that I've encountered helpful so it's hard to say one is better than another.
I am sorry for the confusion the disease has brought you both and hope that recovery finds a way into your lives. The disease is progressive and powerful. As far as marriage, future, etc. we really encourage folks to focus on One Day at a Time. The way I see it, you do not have to decide today what tomorrow or the future will bring.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Aloha Engaged2drugs...(god that says it all doesn't it?) Welcome to the family. You are sitting on a wealth of ESH (Experience Strength and Hope) and can scroll back in time to get the support of hundreds of other Poster members. The Al-Anon Family Groups are for the friends, families, lovers, associates anyone who is in a relationship with a practicing chemically addicted person. Drugs and alcohol are mind and mood altering chemicals and they affect the mind, body, spirit and emotions of the user and those associated with the user. Alcoholism can never be cured it can only be arrested by total abstinence and if the alcoholic/addict goes back to drinking and using often the condition will be worse than the first and that is what we call the progression of the disease...it always gets worse never better. It is historic that we can and do get worse than the alcoholic and addict because we do not have the anesthesia of alcohol or drugs to block out reality and there for we go thru the problem wide awake; insane. Sanity is a benchmark to our recovery and our second step states that we come to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. For me Sanity was what I desired so much as I reckoned I was married to a alcoholic/addict who I supposed I loved and didn't know anything about what was ruining our family...by the way I didn't even know then that I was attracted to women who were alcoholic or that I was born and raised in this disease.
Shortly If someone has a life threatening disease would it make sense to rely upon them for successful participation in any endeavor...business, work, family, marriage? I got the answer to that in the Al-Anon Family Groups by joining in the recovery of all of the other members who knew about this disease and how to live outside of it.
His three relapses reveal the power of the disease to destroy mind, body, spirit, emotions, friendships, families, etc, etc, This disease is a fatal disease. Keep coming back here often and follow up on the suggestions the family offers. prayers for you and for he. ((((hugs))))
Many years ago, when I first came to Alanon I did not think it was for me. I went to a few meetings and thought "one and done" and stopped going.
Years later, I returned because this truly is the only place I can go for support and understanding to improve the quality of my life. This is true even long after the alcoholic has been gone from my life.
Please keep coming back attend face to face meetings and get a sponsor. This program works!
Hi E2D. I have recently returned to Alanon. Funny, the first time I ever even visited, I thought, it is just for families of alcoholics. I went due to my brother being addicted to meth. I popped back in years later again due to son and ex husband using drugs, alcohol and gambling...
That was so long ago I don't care to go there.......I do wish I had really stuck with and worked the program. When I really reached out and dug into the steps, my whole life has changed! And in doing so it has helped the main AF in my life today.
It doesn't matter if it is drugs, alcohol, gambling, you name it. If we are in a relationship with any of this going on, it effects us more than we know.... it sneaks in and tears us down. I'm so glad you are here. It's a disease that effects everyone. When we "get" what this program is all about, we are able to feel good about the decisions we are making. We feel good about ourselves! We aren't emotionally pulled in every direction by what is going on with the chemically addicted person(s) in our lives.
Thank you all for the support and hopeful messages. You have given me comfort in the fact that I am not alone, and someone else understands what I am going through. Talking to others who have been through something similar gives me some sense of control and helps and reminds me to focus on my own life. Thank you all, and thank you for the reminder to take it One Day at a Time.
Am anon can be very helpful to you regardless of whether an alcoholic drinks Boundaries are a big issue in any relationship.
Trust is another key issue Making a huge commitment when both those issues are out of loiter is a big undertaking
Certainly there are lots of books that can help you One current favorite is Getting them Sober by Toby Rice Drew There are many books on trust issues in a relationship as well as boundaries.
Most of all what can help is going to al anon. In al anon you will meet people who have navigated the issues of boundaries trust and commitment Having people to rely on when you.are questioning your decision to commit is very very helpful.
I knew that my husband had been in recovery for ten years when I married him. He had been clean so long, and seemed to be so involved in program I thought he was relapse proof. In fact someone I spoke to about him when we got married told me he would "never go back, not him, ever." Like you I thought, "every marriage has issues, I am choosing someone who takes care of theirs."
My addict couldn't find stable work, his disease progressed, he is now in rehab. We have a two year old. My life is very very difficult as a consequence of his addiction and my reactions to it.
I now know that to marry an addict is not just to sign up for regular marriage problems (indeed counselling, countless books and methods could do NOTHING to help our marriage). I watched my friends who also got married resolve their difficulties with improved communication, more respect etc.
Nothing I could do could make my "rough patch" any smoother. I tried EVERYTHING.
This doesn't mean that you shouldn't marry him - but I cannot overestimate getting to know really what that will mean for you at other stages of your life. Seeing that in meetings has made my expectations a lot more sensible.
Meetings have helped me realise that addiction is a totally different thing and the ways you live with it are totally different from your run of the mill marriage stuff. Meetings might help give you more clarity too.
