The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've found myself getting into arguments with my AH the last few days. They are relatively minor but I find myself getting very emotionally drawn in and upset. I won't go into the minutia of the argument but the theme is my AH will do something that is obviously rude or obnoxious. I will say "Hey What the heck". His response is "What?" with a shrug like he didn't do anything wrong. Like what he just said or did didn't happen or wasn't wrong or was minor. So I get angry, I stomp around, I try to explain why what he did was offensive and I point out that if I did that to him he wouldn't appreciate it. And just when I point that out he quickly says things like "Don't tell me how I would feel about something". To which I walk away fuming and feeling further invalidated. So I had one of these ridiculous episodes this morning and he said that last comment to me and it's like a light bulb went off. As infuriating as it is to hear he's right. I don't need to explain anything to him. So I stopped and said "you're right what I should have said was, please don't cause such a disruption I find it disturbing". I felt so calm and something washed over me that sent this message to me. I don't have to fight with people to get them to respect or care for me. I deserve respect and to be cared for and if others aren't treating me that way I can treat myself that way. Treat myself as if I deserve respect and consideration. I grew up in a home where a lot of emotional and physical abuse went on and then people just pretended like it didn't happen and even worse told me that what I thought happened didn't happen. This is something that even in it's smallest form causes me to get very upset and question myself and fight with other people as if my sanity depended on it. This program has not only taught me to treat myself well it has also taught me to trust myself again. And that is a gift I will be eternally grateful for. So instead of fighting with my AH to get him to agree that his behaviour is rude or obnoxious ( so that I can feel like I can trust my own judgement) I can simply call out the behaviour, validate my own feelings and move on. Once I did that he apologized to me later for his behaviour and I accepted it and moved on. No need to question my sanity today. What a great program.
Yes yes and YES :) Good on you .. I find when I treat myself with respect others follow suit. It's truly a lesson that has taken a LONG time for me to figure out.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Thanks for sharing this, KT. I have this tendency to not trust myself unless someone else validates my judgment or feelings as well... Lots to learn. Its good to see the program in action regarding this :) Looks great on you!
You described my household for the last 7 years! It wasn't until I came back to this program that I got some idea of how to handle all that. Even then, it took me (what I thought was forever) to finally come to that feeling of peace washing over me knowing all I had to say was that it bothered me - and I deserved the respect from my AH!!! I was constantly wanting validation of my feelings... I always wanted him to "SEE" his mistakes and how they affected me. Luckily I listened here and at my F2F meetings with an open mind and finally came to understand that while addiction has a hold of your loved ones, they will never "SEE." So why waste your valuable energy?
You are doing amazing today, KT!!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Great share and great ESH - thanks KT! I so agree - what an amazing program!!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I second all who said great ESH! It's funny how sneaky this was/is........I can observe for instance, a mom with a spoiled toddler or teen and see that there is no respect.....but.....when it comes to me lol! Thank God for this program and all in it!! Self respect, earns respect?
Okay I have an amends to make with my wife as I breached proper program and used a part of mine I shouldn't have. Practice, practice, practice. ((((hugs))))
KT2015.Thank you for sharing this.I could have written the exact same post as you did,the experiences lately with my AH.Well,I could have written the first half of your post,unfortunately though,the 2nd half of mine would have said "I got so frustrated I slapped him in the head",which I did do(ashamed of that though).
